April 25, 2008
WASHINGTON – A potentially volatile incident in the Persian Gulf Friday showed a silver-lining Friday, when it provided the perfect opportunity for the government to reveal the results of top secret program. Commander Lydia Robertson, spokeswomen for the U.S. Navy’s Fifth Fleet demonstrated the program in a press conference:
Robertson began speaking with her hands flat on the podium.
“A cargo ship” said Robertson, who then raised both hands palms approximately level with her forehead, forefinger and middle finger extended on both hands, before making the bunny-ears \ air quotes bouncing finger gesture…
…“contracted”…
At this point Robertson lowered her hands and continued speaking.
…”by the US Government, fired several” (bunny-ears gesture) ”warning shots” (ears down) ”when the vessel was approach by two small” (ears) ”unidentified” (ears down)”watercraft.”
At this moment every attending member of the press corps in broke into wild applause.
“Stunning, absolutely stunning” said Eli Watson, covering the conference for the New York Times. “They’ve discovered a way to be both recklessly aggressive and diplomatic at the same time The Bush administration has never been known for their command of the spoken language, but I’ve got to hand it to them….this is impressive”.
Research into bunny-ear technology began during World War II in Los Alamos, New Mexico alongside atomic bomb research. Bunny-ear technology was shelved before it could be weaponized when atomic research yielded success ,, The technology languished until 4 years ago when the original research was re-discovered. “We stumbled on it when President Bush commissioned us to develop killer rabbits for mid-east combat” says Ronald Westmore, head of Raytheon’s Military Research Division. “We’ve been refining the technology ever since.”
A spokesman for the Iranian navy said his government would like to be upset for being falsely accused of aggressive naval activity, but that Tehran couldn’t be sure it was being accused due to the ambiguity of the bunny-ear air-quotes. “We think they’re accusing us of trying to start a firefight” said the Iranian spokesman, “but it could be an attempt at sarcasm or humor – we’re still trying to figure it out”.
“Iran has been reduced to a position where they cannot respond in any meaningful way” says Westmore. “This is better than a first strike weapon. It’s a last-strike weapon”.
“The President is very happy with the results from the bunny-ear program, especially the stealth aspects of it” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “and he thinks that the Iranians are (ears) being completely truthful about the gulf incident (ears down)”.
Perino added “the President is very happy this technology can be unveiled on the same day his (ears) stimulus package rebates (ears down) start getting mailed to people. He believes (ears) it’ll REALLY help.”
Perino exited the room with her bunny-ears still up.
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label News. Show all posts
Monday, April 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Massachusetts Governor Feels Bad State is Left Out of Scandals – Vows to Take Action
March 11, 2008
BOSTON – In 1995 the state of Connecticut was rocked when it was revealed then-Governor John Rowland had accepted free home improvements from state contractors. In 2004, the state of New Jersey was rocked when then-Governor Jim McGreevey revealed he was gay and having an affair with a male aid. Now New York state is being rocked by the news that Governor Eliot Spitzer paid handsomely for the services of high-priced prostitutes. Three Northeastern states, three democratic governors, three headline-grabbing scandals. Americans shake their heads and ask one burning question:
What the fuck is your problem, Massachusetts?
“It’s embarrassing” says current Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, “American history is littered with scandals from Massachusetts, many involving sex. Somewhere along the way we’ve lost our edge.”
Even a 2004 measure making Massachusetts the first state in the union to allow same sex marriages has paled in comparison to other scandals. “Gays can get married…big whoop” says “Big” Walter Latham of Marlborough MA, “…the Governor of Jersey was bangin’ some guy who was workin’ for him while he was married to some hot lookin’ chick. Now that’s the way you cause controversy! I bet that Jersey Gov was even wearing buttless chaps to staff meetings just to make SURE he got noticed – there’s a guy who knows how to get headlines!”
“After a slew of scandal-free democratic governors, we elected a republican governor who was also a Mormon” says 74 year old Rose Turtlebaum of Waltham, MA, referring to former governor and former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “…with so much conservative pressure you’d think that guy was bound to blow a gasket. But that do-gooding jackass didn’t sleep around and only had one wife. What a waste of a perfectly good Mormon!”
Famous patriots such as Samuel Adams, John Hancock, Paul Revere and Benjamin Franklin have all been noted for their controversial sides. In the 20th century the Kennedy’s have provided a plethora of controversy for Massachusetts and kept the state a pubic-hair away from titillating headlines for over 50 years.
“We’re just so fucking boring nowadays” mourns Simon Balder of Concord, “ our last controversy was when the New England Patriots spied on another football team…. on the field, not even, like, with web-cams in their locker-room showers or nothin’!”
“In the colonial days people dressed up like Indians and threw shit off boats” says Neil Scheff of Sudbury, MA, “...but try that now and people just think you’re just a good history student. Maybe the Governor should dress up like an Indian and throw a hooker off a boat – call it the Boston Tit-Party.”
“I promise the good people of Massachusetts that we are doing everything in our power to create a headline grabbing scandal within the next 4 years” says Governor Patrick. “We will be able to embarrass this administration or die trying!”
The Governor’s office has set-up scandal think-tanks in cooperation with Harvard University and Boston College, and provided substantial financial incentives to fraternities in those respective schools for their assistance. Plans for a multimedia scandal research lab at MIT were abandoned when MIT students asked the governor’s office to define sex.
BOSTON – In 1995 the state of Connecticut was rocked when it was revealed then-Governor John Rowland had accepted free home improvements from state contractors. In 2004, the state of New Jersey was rocked when then-Governor Jim McGreevey revealed he was gay and having an affair with a male aid. Now New York state is being rocked by the news that Governor Eliot Spitzer paid handsomely for the services of high-priced prostitutes. Three Northeastern states, three democratic governors, three headline-grabbing scandals. Americans shake their heads and ask one burning question:
What the fuck is your problem, Massachusetts?
“It’s embarrassing” says current Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, “American history is littered with scandals from Massachusetts, many involving sex. Somewhere along the way we’ve lost our edge.”
Even a 2004 measure making Massachusetts the first state in the union to allow same sex marriages has paled in comparison to other scandals. “Gays can get married…big whoop” says “Big” Walter Latham of Marlborough MA, “…the Governor of Jersey was bangin’ some guy who was workin’ for him while he was married to some hot lookin’ chick. Now that’s the way you cause controversy! I bet that Jersey Gov was even wearing buttless chaps to staff meetings just to make SURE he got noticed – there’s a guy who knows how to get headlines!”
“After a slew of scandal-free democratic governors, we elected a republican governor who was also a Mormon” says 74 year old Rose Turtlebaum of Waltham, MA, referring to former governor and former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “…with so much conservative pressure you’d think that guy was bound to blow a gasket. But that do-gooding jackass didn’t sleep around and only had one wife. What a waste of a perfectly good Mormon!”
Famous patriots such as Samuel Adams, John Hancock, Paul Revere and Benjamin Franklin have all been noted for their controversial sides. In the 20th century the Kennedy’s have provided a plethora of controversy for Massachusetts and kept the state a pubic-hair away from titillating headlines for over 50 years.
“We’re just so fucking boring nowadays” mourns Simon Balder of Concord, “ our last controversy was when the New England Patriots spied on another football team…. on the field, not even, like, with web-cams in their locker-room showers or nothin’!”
“In the colonial days people dressed up like Indians and threw shit off boats” says Neil Scheff of Sudbury, MA, “...but try that now and people just think you’re just a good history student. Maybe the Governor should dress up like an Indian and throw a hooker off a boat – call it the Boston Tit-Party.”
“I promise the good people of Massachusetts that we are doing everything in our power to create a headline grabbing scandal within the next 4 years” says Governor Patrick. “We will be able to embarrass this administration or die trying!”
The Governor’s office has set-up scandal think-tanks in cooperation with Harvard University and Boston College, and provided substantial financial incentives to fraternities in those respective schools for their assistance. Plans for a multimedia scandal research lab at MIT were abandoned when MIT students asked the governor’s office to define sex.
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