Government Unveils “Bunny Ear” Air-Quotes Program in Iranian Press Conference

April 25, 2008

WASHINGTON – A potentially volatile incident in the Persian Gulf Friday showed a silver-lining Friday, when it provided the perfect opportunity for the government to reveal the results of top secret program. Commander Lydia Robertson, spokeswomen for the U.S. Navy’s Fifth Fleet demonstrated the program in a press conference:

Robertson began speaking with her hands flat on the podium.

“A cargo ship” said Robertson, who then raised both hands palms approximately level with her forehead, forefinger and middle finger extended on both hands, before making the bunny-ears \ air quotes bouncing finger gesture…

…“contracted”…

At this point Robertson lowered her hands and continued speaking.

…”by the US Government, fired several” (bunny-ears gesture) ”warning shots” (ears down) ”when the vessel was approach by two small” (ears) ”unidentified” (ears down)”watercraft.”

At this moment every attending member of the press corps in broke into wild applause.

“Stunning, absolutely stunning” said Eli Watson, covering the conference for the New York Times. “They’ve discovered a way to be both recklessly aggressive and diplomatic at the same time The Bush administration has never been known for their command of the spoken language, but I’ve got to hand it to them….this is impressive”.

Research into bunny-ear technology began during World War II in Los Alamos, New Mexico alongside atomic bomb research. Bunny-ear technology was shelved before it could be weaponized when atomic research yielded success ,, The technology languished until 4 years ago when the original research was re-discovered. “We stumbled on it when President Bush commissioned us to develop killer rabbits for mid-east combat” says Ronald Westmore, head of Raytheon’s Military Research Division. “We’ve been refining the technology ever since.”
A spokesman for the Iranian navy said his government would like to be upset for being falsely accused of aggressive naval activity, but that Tehran couldn’t be sure it was being accused due to the ambiguity of the bunny-ear air-quotes. “We think they’re accusing us of trying to start a firefight” said the Iranian spokesman, “but it could be an attempt at sarcasm or humor – we’re still trying to figure it out”.

“Iran has been reduced to a position where they cannot respond in any meaningful way” says Westmore. “This is better than a first strike weapon. It’s a last-strike weapon”.

“The President is very happy with the results from the bunny-ear program, especially the stealth aspects of it” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “and he thinks that the Iranians are (ears) being completely truthful about the gulf incident (ears down)”.

Perino added “the President is very happy this technology can be unveiled on the same day his (ears) stimulus package rebates (ears down) start getting mailed to people. He believes (ears) it’ll REALLY help.”

Perino exited the room with her bunny-ears still up.