FSW: We Three Kings...

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I'm just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline :)

Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.

I figured I'd jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.

Richard took us to school about Harry Truman - no word from Peter yet. I'll update when others report in for battle.

But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. DESERT MUD HUT - NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

BALTHASAR
Oh yeah - that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.

CASPAR
Wow....just.....wow.

MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside...we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.

BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

CASPAR
Oh come on man...if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm...3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future...not bad. Nice...heart-warming.

MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love...sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby...they’re very germy.

CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts...

MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing...a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething...write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

BALTHASAR
Oh....I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

MELCHIOR
You bastard.

CASPAR
Oh man...you just don’t get it.

BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings....the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins...and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

CASPAR
That’s not the point man....we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane...thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff....stuff From the heart.

BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it - you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

CASPAR
Oh man...you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider...give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold - please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to...and can afford to give.

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

BALTHASAR
What’s that?

CASPAR
Oh man...it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!

BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.

MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

CASPAR
Probably not.

MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold....I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious...they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”

MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.

CASPAR
Forever.

MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?

BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!

CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut....want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

FADE TO BLACK.

FSW: Oprah Edition

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire...

It's Friday Sketch War....and if you're going to come to a war, it's nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here's my foray into the world of Oprah...and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who's handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now.......heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee'sssssssss OPRAH!
___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE - DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

HENRY
...and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much - you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend...I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright.....Oprah. Oh heck - I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites - I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me...can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute...there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist - do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right...I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 - you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past - that’s amazing! How can that be...

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 - millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved....everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will...

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 - the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous source coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible...no one knows about that lab...how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me...I think you need....

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
...a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait....you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present - a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine - reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on....
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this....how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack - this is Big O...access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols...we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!

This weeks theme was:

horrible family holidays

It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard's blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.

I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.

And...if you'd like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.

Meanwhile, in the early 1600's......

___________________________________________________________________

INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE - DAY
We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

MILES
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

MILES
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

MILES (CONT)
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg...the Moonwolves are here!

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Coming.

MILES
Come on in...make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)
Hey Tobias, Dorothy...play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

CHILDREN
(from off)
Awwwwwww

MILES
(closes the door)
Wow....it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

MASSOTIHAN
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

MILES
Hey....we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

POWANIQUA
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

MASSOTIHAN
I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

MILES
(to POWANIQUA)
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

POWANIQUA
Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

MILES
Nice furs...can I take those for you?

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

MASSOTIHAN
I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name - if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name...so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

MILES
Mmmmm...smells good. Corn?

POWANIQUA
Maize.

MILES
Oh right...sorry....forgot.

MASSOTIHAN
There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

MILES
That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

PRISCILLA
(to MILES)
I’ve been cooking all week too...don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

MILES
Hey honey...you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

PRISCILLA
Oh yeah...you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

MASSOTIHAN
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

PRISCILLA
Oh I bet it does...you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN
I play a lot of lacrosse.

PRISCILLA
So you’re good with a long stick huh?

MILES
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
And this is his wife Powaniqua - ‘Pow’ for short.

PRISCILLA
Well aren’t you a cute young thing...Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

MILES
Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

PRISCILLA
“Pow Wow”...get it? God that’s funny.

MILES
(to PRISCILLA)
I think you’ve had enough ale, turtledove.

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

PRISCILLA
Just try it.

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

MASSOTIHAN
Something smells good. Wild turkey?

MILES
Oh yeah....big bastard too. Shot it myself...just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

PRISCILLA
(to herself)
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

MILES
What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

MASSOTIHAN
My father-in-law is running for chief again.

POWANIQUA
It’d be Daddy’s third term.

MILES
Nice.

MASSOTIHAN
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

MILES
I’m with you there....I’m more a man of action myself.

PRISCILLA
Action my ass.

MILES
The church...that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

PRISCILLA
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

MILES
They never proved she was a witch.

PRISCILLA
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

MILES
It was a stream...it was six inches deep!

PRISCILLA
Pussy.

POWANIQUA
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man...

PRISCILLA
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

POWANIQUA
I was just saying...

PRISCILLA
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

POWANIQUA
Well...I never....I.....

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

MASSOTIHAN
Honey, wait....

MASSOTIHAN runs after her

PRISCILLA
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

MILES
Priscilla!

PRISCILLA
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
Once you go white, you never go back!!!

MILES
PRISCILLA!!!

PRISCILLA
I'll give you something to be thankful for...lets' lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo

MILES
Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!

PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

MILES (CONT)
Every time...EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

PRISCILLA
I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays...I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard....

MILES
I know honey.

PRISCILLA
And we haven’t been...fruitful...in so long.

MILES
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

PRISCILLA
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

MILES hugs her.

MILES
Look....why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

PRISCILLA
Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

MILES
(to the kids outside)
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

MILES
It’s just an expression.

MASSOTIHAN
Sure....no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

MILES
Okay...sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

MASSOTIHAN nods

MILES (CONT)
How’s Pow?

MASSOTIHAN
She’s pissed but she'll be fine...she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

MILES
Good...Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

MILES
I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. Trust me - we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

MILES
Does it ever get better?

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year...”maybe this year will be different”....”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

MILES
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

MASSOTIHAN
Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother....know what I mean?

MILES
Harvest?

MASSOTIHAN
Hell yeah....had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

MILES
Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

MASSOTIHAN and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

MILES (CONT)
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive....

FADE OUT.

FSW: Trick or Treat edition

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Let's drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It's sugar free, but I won't gurantee it's razor-blade free. This week's theme was "Trick or Treat" - and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I'm sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well - so fire away).

No word from Michael, David or Richard yet....but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside - music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes - a ghost, a witch and a devil - run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

KIDS
Trick or treat!!!

THOM
Awwww...look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

All the kids do

THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

KIDS
Thank you!!!

The kids run off to the next house

THOM
You’re very welcome - Happy Halloween!!!

KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!

THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group - IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends - ZEKE and FLOYD - wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

THOM
Oh...hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be...

IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again...more chanting ensues

IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

THOM
Stop that would you?

IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

THOM
Man that burns...what’s in that thing?

IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

THOM
What the heck are you doing?

IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

IRENE
No...not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work...to purge our neighborhood of evil.

THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

IRENE
Look...a cauldron. A tool of the witch....yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

More chanting and holy water

THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

THOM
No...stop...look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer....oh, you’re religious so, we have...

ZEKE
Any vodka?

THOM
Grey Goose.

FLOYD
Elitist

THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on....it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one - the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground ...silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

THOM
Guys, no torches in the house.

FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

IRENE starts sprinkling the house

IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and...

IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

PAT
Nice robes.

IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

PAT
Thom’s not evil....just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

IRENE
Love to!

IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

PAT
Nice

LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

THOM
Coming!!!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Best Friends Edition

Stop, hey what's that sound? Everybody look what's goin down....it's the FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - BEST FRIENDS EDITION!!! And this week, I took "war" a little too literally.

Richard gave our theme last week - not sure who theme duties fall to this week since Michael's status is up in the air, but Dave rejoined the battle week!

I'll post updated links as combatants report to the arena.

UPDATED: Michael snuck in when I wasn't looking (well before I posted actually), and gave us a tale of banks, dildos, and prarie dogs (welcome back to the blogospehere Michael - even if is just a Friday drive-by). He also provided next week's theme: Mad Scientist. More updates as others report in.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. VIETNAM JUNGLE 1968 - NIGHT
Explosions and sound of automatic gunfire can be heard from every side - we’re in the middle of a nighttime jungle firefight. People are screaming and voices can be heard barking orders in military jargon, planes streak past overhead.

SOUTHSIDE, an African-American US soldier in his early 20’s enters, supporting CHARGER, a burly square jawed white soldier also in his early 20’s who appears to be wounded. Both wear jungle camo fatigues. SOUTHSIDE sets CHARGER down on the ground and pulls off his backpack. CHARGER grunts and grabs his leg in pain as SOUTHSIDE starts pulling medical supplies out of his pack and treating CHARGER.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man, we’re gonna to get you outta here. You’re gonna make it.

CHARGER
It’s bad man....I know it’s bad. You don’t have to lie to me.

SOUTHSIDE
Stay with me Charger....do not give up!

CHARGER
I always knew I’d buy it in ‘Nam, Southside...that I’d end up dying for my country. But...I....

SOUTHSIDE
You got something to say, now’s the time.

CHARGER
There’s a hundred ways to buy it in the Nam, Southside. But I’m glad I get to go with you by my side. You’ve been the best buddy a guy could ever have...always there for me no matter what.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man...hang on....we gonna get you home, I promise you.

CHARGER
No man, I ain’t gettin’ out of this jungle alive, but you are...and you gotta live for me...gotta do the livin’ for both of us from now on, you understand?

SOUTHSIDE
Yeah, I hear you....what you want me to do for you brother?

CHARGER
Make America mean something again....make it a shining beacon of truth and justice in the world
SOUTHSIDE
I will, man, I promise I will

CHARGER
Fight for clean air...

SOUTHSIDE
Until my dying day

CHARGER
And for pure water...

SOUTHSIDE
With every ounce of my strength...

CHARGER
And fight to make sure no black man ever becomes president.

SOUTHSIDE
Excuse me?

CHARGER
You gotta make that happen for me since I can’t!

SOUTHSIDE
Did you just tell me....ME...a black man, your best friend in Vietnam....the dude tryin to save your life, to make sure a black man never becomes president???

CHARGER
Oh thank God, you understand.

SOUTHSIDE
What the fuck Man?You can NOT be that much of a redneck. We been best friends the entire time been in country, and the whole time we were in bootcamp before that. My redneck detector would have gone apeshit a long time ago if you were bullshittin this whole time..

CHARGER
Power and money is all us white guys have left.

SOUTHSIDE
Ain’t that enough?

CHARGER
No man...Black musicians are cooler than whites, black athletes are better than white atletes, black men have bigger...

SOUTHSIDE
That’s a myth.

CHARGER
Remember the barracks showers at Fort Bragg?

SOUTHSIDE
(smiling)
Okay, you got me. But look...we may be great athletes, but it’s rich white guys that own the teams.

CHARGER
Just when we’re old - it’s the only way white guys get laid after 55.

SOUTHSIDE
Good point.

CHARGER
Look man...white guys are losing all the cool stuff. Being president is the last great dream white kids can have without fear of competition.

SOUTHSIDE
So I should never let a black man be president.

CHARGER
Never

SOUTHSIDE
Not even if the whole country is going to shit and the black man in question was like super-smart and had all kinds of great ideas on how to fix things?

CHARGER
Every dumb white person in the US would move to Canada if a smart black man had to bail their asses out.

SOUTHSIDE
Might not be so bad.

CHARGER
You want a war with Canada?

SOUTHSIDE
Charger, man, I love you like a brother, but you ask too much

CHARGER
It’s my dying wish man...you gotta do this for me

SOUTHSIDE
What if our positions were reversed....what if I were dying and told you you’d HAVE to vote for a black president someday if the right guy came along?

CHARGER
I.....I don’t know....

SOUTHSIDE
What if I was dyin’ cause I took a bullet to save you?

CHARGER
Yeah..I’d do it for you...without thinking...you’re my best friend...I’d owe you my life

SOUTHSIDE
So IF you owed me your life, you’d vote for a black president someday?

CHARGER
If I owed you my life, I’d do anything to repay that debt.

SOUTHSIDE
Then you, my brother, are votin’ black.

CHARGER
What?

SOUTHSIDE
Man I stopped you bleedin’ five minutes ago. You’re gonna be fine.

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER stand up. CHARGER tests his leg, looks down and see that it isn’t bleeding.

CHARGER
Shit

SOUTHSIDE
C’mon man, let’s get you back - an evac helicopter just landed over there

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER limp offstage

SOUTHSIDE
What about a woman president?

CHARGER
No way...maybe a woman vice president if she was really hot.

SOUTHSIDE
Plays into that whole great white dream thing again doesn’t it?

CHARGER
(smiling)
Oh hell yeah.

BLACK OUT

FSW: Bailout

I've been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it - a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week - can't imagine why! And I'm posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30's, I couldn't help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard - Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I'll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week...let's see, we've had Apocalpse and Bailout....I bet he picks something like puppies :)

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn't a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression - finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes :) and Michael, who's taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard's blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

Richard also set the theme for next week's sketch war: Best Friends!
_________________________________________________________________

EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

DAISY
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

CHARLIE
Staggering view.

DAISY
C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

CHARLIE hugs DAISY

CHARLIE
You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

CHARLIE (CONT)
Wow...the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

DAISY
Now lamb chop....

CHARLIE
I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say...do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

DAISY
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

CHARLIE
There there, my darling...

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

MR. THOMPKINS
‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

CHARLIE
Sorry Mister.....

MR. THOMPKINS
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy - all my friends do.

CHARLIE
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills...

DAISY
And some big credit card debts...

CHARLIE
And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value...

DAISY
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

CHARLIE
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

DAISY
Dubuque!!!

DAISY starts crying loudly again

MR. THOMPKINS
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler...like those care free days when I was a boy.

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

MR. THOMPKINS
There...now that’s better, isn’t it?

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

MR. THOMPKINS
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

DAISY
Sorry Billy.

MR. THOMPKINS
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me...well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

DAISY
Why is that Mr. Thomp...

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

DAISY (CONT)
I mean “Billy”

MR. THOMPKINS smiles

MR. THOMPKINS
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view - it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way...

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
(singing)
When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There's a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Here, let me show you...

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now - if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

BROKER 1
Hey there....Mike Scabbers, financial genius...sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ....

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol' splat
Without his golden parachute

The music continues playing

MR. THOMPKINS
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types - the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” - like to come up here and take in the view - kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this...

(looking over the edge of the building)

Oh look - I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

BROKER 2
Dammit - I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready.....

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

MR. THOMPKINS
Ahhhhhhh...there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

CHARLIE
But Billy, isn’t that murder?

MR. THOMPKINS
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

DAISY
Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

MR. THOMPKINS
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

DAISY
Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

DAISY
(shouting)
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

CHARLIE
Hey....that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

MR. THOMPKINS
Of course they are - they’re people just like you!

DAISY
(waving at the crowd below)
You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

A cheer is heard from the street

CHARLIE
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones

DAISY
(singing)
He made stupid bets on risky debts

DAISY ANDCHARLIE
(singing)
And some fucked up subprime loans

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity

DAISY
(singing)
The greedy lout

CHARLIE
(singing)
Got a big bailout

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
For his financial depravity

CHARLIE
Hey! Let me try too!

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

CHARLIE
(shouting)
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while - a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
They’ve created a recession
But don’t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

DAISY
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street

CHARLIE
(singing)
High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete

(Key change)

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly

CHARLIE
(speak-singing)
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

DAISY
(speak-singing)
He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

MR. THOMPKINS
(speak-singing)
He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

They end with a big finish and the music stops

CHARLIE
Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

DAISY
I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

CHARLIE
Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

DAISY
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially...

CHARLIE
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

MR. THOMPKINS
That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

DAISY AND CHARLIE
Bye Billy!!!

MR. THOMPKINS
Bye bye kids!

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

GUARD 2
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

MR. THOMPKINS
Why spoil their mood.

BLACK OUT

FSW: Job Hunting

Welcome back to another Friday Sketch War! WOOHOOO!!

This week, Richard gave us the topic of "Job Hunting". And even though I know everyone and their brother \ sister \ cross-dressing uncle has written a Sarah Palin sketch, I just couldn't resist.

I'll update links to the other battlers as they come in....

UPDATED: Richard is doing some heavy recruiting and Michael shows us that there are great jobs out there, even for those wishing they only had a brain. And Michael gave us next weeks theme: Apocalypse. I'm guessing he's been into the financial reports again :-)
____________________________________________________________________

INT. - TALK SHOW LIVING ROOM SET - DAY
Soft jazzy flute music plays and pink and green graphic comes up: “Job Hunting with Sarah Palin”. The graphic fades out to reveal SARAH sitting in a lovely living-room talk-show set, sipping a big mug of coffee.

SARAH
Welcome back to “Job Hunting ” everyone. I’m your host of course, Sarah Palin. Today we’re talking about how to get a job in a tough economy. I’m doing this because...

JOHN (O.S.)
“We” Sarah

SARAH
Thank you John....WE’RE doing this...

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you Sarah

SARAH
...because we want every American to feel confident they can get a decent job even in tough times....just in case, you know, things don’t get better any time soon. And if you have those skills, you won’t blame your government for being unemployed, so John and me...

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you

SARAH
...can work on important things like banning gay marriage, invading Iran, and blaming things on the Democrats. Now many of you are probably thinking “Sarah, what do you know getting a jobs in a tough market?” Folks, let me tell you something. In Alaska there are 15,472 men for every 3 women, and yet I got elected to two different public offices with only "Third Place Beauty Pageant contestant" and "Sports Reporter" to show for experience. Trust me, I know tough job markets.

Speaking of experience, did you know that’s the number one thing that keeps people from getting the job they really want - lack of experience? Most people will never apply for a job for which they have absolutely no experience. But I think God has qualified each and every one of us to be whatever we can apply for, and delusions of grandeur are just God’s way of saying “go get ‘em!”

So I’ve developed...

JOHN (O.S.)
WE

SARAH
WE’VE developed (thank you John) some unique but tested strategies to land that dream job whether you’re qualified or not.

First of all, let’s talk interview outfit. Pick something that’s a little conservative, then sexy it up a bit - shorten the skirt a little, leave an extra button on the blouse undone, etc. Think “sexy librarian”. The sexy gets them hot, but the conservative says “no touching”. Just let them try to think about your experience when you’re sitting down and that skirt is riding up. And if you’ve ever been in a beauty pageant, mention that in the interview...a lot. And don’t forget those glasses - a good pair of glasses both enhances and tones down the sexy - they’re just a little accessory miracle.

Obviously, that last bit of advice is only for the job-hunting women out there. It goes without saying that any man thinking about putting on a skirt is a homosexual, and deserves to burn in hell.

Now, when you show up to the interview, see if you can bring along an elderly person, preferably a war veteran, or even better an ex-prisoner of war with some sort of lingering torture injury. When you’re with someone like that, interviewers think “wow, this person must be reliable and trustworthy if a feeble old geezer like that is hanging out with them.” At the very least, interviewers will be thinking “how nice that they’re hanging out with the elderly”. So really, you really can’t lose with a senior citizen in tow.

So now let’s move on to the interview. You’re sitting there, and the interviewer is looking over your resume’.

Well, there’s your first mistake - NEVER let anyone see your resume’. If they see it, they have hard evidence that you’re unqualified. Instead just say things like “I think my resume’ speaks for itself”, and let them imagine just how great your resume’ must be.

Now, how do you handle that question we all hate:

“So, what qualifies you for this position?”

Wow....that’s A scary one, huh? But here’s a way to answer that question perfectly every time. Remember the word “ONCE” - O...N...C...E. That stands for Old job, new job, cosmetic enhancement. For example, let’s say you’ve been a garbage man and your applying to be the CEO of Sony. When the interviewer says “So what makes you think you could be the CEO of a major multinational company, just say “You know the difference between a garbage man and a Sony CEO? A good hair cut”. Trust me - it doesn’t have to make sense, just say it like it’s completely self evident, then let them figure it out. They’ll just smile and go along with you rather than admit they don’t get what it has to do with anything!

Ladies, try to use “lipstick” as your that cosmetic enhancement - that reminds them of that conservative sexy look you’ve been cultivating.

You can also claim “experience by proximity”. They say you’ve never been a CEO of a major corporation. You reply “well I live within 100 miles of dozens of CEO’s - so I’m probably over-qualified”.

If they keep pushing it, just turn the tables on them . They’ve never been a CEO or they wouldn’t be interviewing you, so they don’t have enough experience to be asking YOU about YOU CEO experience, do they? See how nicely that works?

Now, as a last resort, if they keep pushing you about experience, just accuse them of being a liberal intellectual elitist who’s completely out of touch with the American public. They may come back and argue with you about this, but you will have successfully taken all focus off your lack of experience. Mission accomplished!

Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today.

Thanks for tuning in everyone, and join me...

JOHN (O.S.)
US!

SARAH
...join US (thank you John) tomorrow when we tell you how to take out the competition by stealing their strategy and taking everything they say about you as a sexist assault. Bye bye now!

FSW: Green Witches

Well....here's my second salvo in the fabulous Friday Sketch Wars. This time, I decided to get medieval on someone's ass! (might have something to do with the fact I'm in an Improvised Shakespeare show Friday night, and an improviosed Tarantino show Saturday night).

Anyway....our theme this week was "Gatherings" - I'll update links as soon as the other combatants report in!

____________________________________________________________________________________

EXT. - A CLEARING IN A CREEPY FOREST - NIGHT
Lightning and thunder above, a big cauldron sits in the clearing, wolves howl, unseen critters scamper past in the dark, the sound of bat-wings flapping overhead, and only a thin shaft of moonlight reveals anything more than the black silhouettes of twisted ancient trees.

HILDA, and old scraggly woman with a crooked nose, long straggly gray hair, slightly green skin, huge hair warts om her face, gnarled hands, wearing a long tattered ratty black dress and pointy black hat, enters from out of the woods with the use of a gnarled wooden stick as a cane. She is carrying a burlap sack filled with stuff.

HILDA
The creatures of darkness stir and cry out for mischief! The skies blacken and split...the time for evil has come!

HILDA waves her hands at the cauldron and a fire bursts out under it. Steam also starts rising from whatever is in the cauldron

HILDA
Come forth my sisters and join me now! Bring forth your gifts and place them in our cauldron - let now our machinations begin!

HELGA who looks like a variation on HILDA comes out of the woods, carrying a similar sack.

HELGA
Run cold blood, and good cheer flee
When joined in mischief, we sisters three!

HARPA now enters from the woods, the third sister, with another sack

HARPA
By raven’s caw, and toadlet’s croak,
Mother night our dark deeds cloak

HILDA
To our labors bend your mind,
A poor souls fate we must unwind

All three gather around the cauldron and pull items from their sacks

HELGA
The fingers of a baby abandoned to die

HELGA dumps them in the cauldron, and a puff of steam belches out of the cauldron

HILDA
Festering meat from a possum’s thigh

HILDA dumps it in - another belch

HARPA
Nightshade planted on Hallow’s eve

Dump...belch

HELGA
The tears of a widow, shed as she grieved

Dump...belch

HILDA
Fang of an adder that struck a priest

Dump...belch

HARPA
Organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

HILDA and HELGA look at each other upon hearing this.

HARPA starts to dump it in....HILDA stops her hand with her cane-stick

HILDA
Wait....what didst thou say?

HARPA
Ummmm.....organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

HILDA
Why not regular old wormwood?

HELGA
From the east?

HARPA
This tis much better....for twas grown without pesticides or chemicals. So tis better for the environment, and healthier to eat.

HILDA
Wormwood is a poison...eating it doth kill a man in minutes.

HARPA
All the more reason to go organic....why wouldst one want more toxins in something already so lethal?

HILDA
Enough of this. I didst agree when you wanted to use only free-range newt in our potions....

HELGA
And when thou didst say the cauldron should only be lit after 7pm on hot days to reduce airborne pollutants...

HILDA
AND when thou didst say we needed to stop making the gingerbread houses we use to entrap children out of refined sugar, and use the raw brown stuff instead...

HELGA
Looks like bad stucco.

HILDA
But this is beyond all measure of reason.

HARPA
Good Hilda, we must consider said things....we doth live in the woods and useth the plants of the earth for all our work....we shouldst be the first to consider about what servers environment and the people the best.

HELGA
I miss serving people, especially to other people.

HILDA glares at HELGA, who smiles and quietly slinks back behind HILDA

HILDA
Harpa, I hat a business to run here. People doth pay us to put curses upon their enemies, to make people fall in love with them, or foretell their futures. They carest not if the person we turn into a frog for them gets cancer

HARPA
Hath they said that to you?

HELGA
Frog cancer tis so sad

HILDA
They doth not NEED to say it! People do not have other people turned into frogs because they wisheth them health and happiness!!!

HELGA
Yeah, but frog cancer tis sooooooo sad

HILDA smacks HELGA in the head

HILDA
Who’s side art thou on???

HARPA
I know it doth cost more but...

HILDA
Costs? What dost thou mean, cost? What didst thou pay for that?

HARPA
Twas just a little bit more than....

HILDA
WHAT DIDST THOU PAY FOR IT?

HARPA
Three dracmas.

HILDA fumes

HARPA (CONT)
Tis not too bad

HILDA
Regular wormwood is free!!! Thou mayst go and pick it up off the ground! It doth grow wild in the forest!

HARPA
True but who doth know what it hath been treated with, or what sort of pesticides are on it.

HILDA
Tis free!!! It could be buried in pig poop, and WE WOULD NOT CARE!!! We put it in a boiling cauldron and make potions with it! POTIONS THAT DO EVIL THINGS TO PEOPLE!!!!

HARPA
Surely thou wouldst not want a potion to taste like pig poop?

HILDA
WHY NOT? TIS AN EVIL POTION!!!! GIVEN TO SOMEONE THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOESN’T LIKE TO SOMETHING EVIL TO THEM!!! WHY SHOULDN’T IT NOT TASTE EVIL???

HELGA
Pig poop doth taste more nasty than it doth taste evil.

HILDA
THOU ART AN IDIOT!!!

Everyone pauses a moment....catching their breath. HARPA finally breaks the silence, resigned

HARPA
Fine....no more shall I bring organic ingredients for potion-making.

HILDA
Good

HARPA
I shalt stop suggesting uses for the rest of the lizard after we use it’s tongue for curses.

HILDA
Thank you

HARPA
And never more shall I bring up all the reasons we shouldst fly hemp-brooms instead of straw-brooms ever again, even though straw tis a resource intensive crop and has to be shipped in from...

HILDA
KNOCKST IT OFF!

HARPA
Sorry...old habit

HILDA
Darest not let it happen again. Now, mayst we finish this potion and go home?

HARPA isn’t happy, but recovers herself and goes back to the cauldron

HARPA
Wormwood, that may or may not be organic, brought from the east

Dump....belch

HILDA
Wing of bat that has freshly fed

HELGA
Rust from the axe that takes men’s heads....

A knight, SIR ELDRIDGE, enters carrying a torch in one hand an a sword in the other wearing chain mail, a helmet, and a tunic with a royal looking crest on it

SIR ELDRIDGE
Halt Hags! Stay where thou art, and movest not!!!

The sisters all freeze, scared of SIR ELDRIDGE

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
I am from his Majesty’s Environmental Protection Agency. We hath heard rumors of potions being illegally dumped in these woods. Dost know of such a thing?

All of the witches respond with “oh no, haven’t heard of anything like that”, “didn’t see anyone dumping”, “how rude”, “the nerve of some people”, etc.

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
His Majesty’s fish pond hath been fouled with a frog-making potion that didst smell of pig poop......

Again the witches respond over the of each other “of how awful”, “how inconsiderate”, etc.)

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
Pray tell hags, what manner of potion be this?

HILDA
Tis but a generic potion....more like a potion base

HELGA
Potion starter

Sir Eldridge sniffs it

SIR ELDRIDGE
Methinks it doth smell vaguely of pig droppings

HARPA
Oh no kind sir, you must be mistaken. For this potion doth use only organic ingredients.

Sir Eldridge considers this for a moment

SIR ELDRIDGE
Doth not organic ingredients cost a great deal more?

HARPA
Aye, they do, but we feel the result be worth the price, and we doth simply charge those buying potions slightly more.

SIR ELDRIDGE
In truth, I’d pay more for an organic potion. Sir Halston didst purchase a common frog-making potion which he gave to his enemy, the Black Knight of Leeds. Turned the Knight into a frog, AND didst give him frog cancer.

HELGA
How sad

SIR ELDRIDGE
‘Tis true. Sir Halston didst ends his days wracked with guilt. Pray thee, let me watch thee make thy organic potion.

HARPA
Thou art welcome to watch Sir knight, is he not good sisters.

HELGA and HILDA answer “oh yes”, “sure”, etc. HILDA looks annoyed at HARPA, but has no choice but to go on

HARPA
Organically farmed wormwood, brought from the east

HILDA
Eye of.....free range...newt

SIR ELDRIDGE
Dost thou keep the rest of the newt after using only it’s eye?

HELGA
Aye, we make newt bread out of it

SIR ELDRIDGE
My mother didst make the most wondrous newt bread in my youth, with walnuts and raisins!

FADE OUT.

Friday Sketch War - No Child Left Behind

After being a long-time reader (and fan) of the Friday Sketch Wars, I decided to toss my hat into the ring (aka - get my ass in gear and get something written in time to play with the other kids :) ). This weeks theme was "Back to School".

UPDATE:

Richard got us dressed for school, and Michael made sure we got to class - so go check 'em out! And....they even kind enough to invite me to toss down the theme for next week (oh, the pressure).

Sooooooooo.......in honor of the Democratic National Convention next week, let's say the theme this week is: Gatherings

___________________________________________________________________

INT. HIGHSCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
Several students are milling about before class, talking to each other, flirting, the class nerd trying to be as invisible as possible....the usual classroom goings-on.

The school bell rings, the classroom door opens, and in walks the teacher, MR. PHILLIPS

MR. PHILLIPS
Everyone settle down, settle down....I know you all have a lot to talk about after spending all summer hanging out together, but it’s learning time now.

The students grumblingly sit down.

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Alright.....welcome to your senior year at William Taft highschool. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mr. Phillips, and I will be your homeroom teacher for first semester. You will meet here first thing every morning, I will go over any announcements, hand out any official paperwork, and send you on your merry way. I will also be the first person you talk to if you have any questions or problems, and I will be the person who proctors the many standardized tests now required by the state throughout the year. Are there any questions?

TIFFANY raises her hand

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Morelli.

TIFFANY
When can we buy yearbooks?

MR. PHILLIPS
Year books will be available for pre-purchase at the yearbook office after the new year.

Another hand goes up - it’s LEILA’s

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Gray?

LEILA
What about student tickets for the football games?

MR. PHILLIPS
Student tickets for Taft Golden Wombats’ football games, either for individual games or season tickets, will be available for purchase from your homeroom teacher, in this case myself. This also applies to all other varsity sports throughout the year.

A hand goes up from one of the boys in the back of the class

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes Mr., uhhhh, Clarkson is it?

CHIP
Yes sir, Chip Clarkson.

MR. PHILLIPS
What’s your question Mr. Clarkson?

CHIP
I wanted choir this fall, but it’s not on my schedule. Can I get that changed?

MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately Mr. Clarkson the entire music program has been eliminated due to budget cuts.

The students break out grumbling amongst themselves

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
We’ve also lost the drama program...

More grumbling

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
home economics....

More grumbling

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
...and Field Hockey.

Not a peep

MR. PHILLIPS
The entire national economy is in the crapper right now people, and school budgets are stretched right to the breaking point. State and federal government wants us to focus solely on reading, math and sciences, because the U.S. is behind almost every other industrialized nation in those disciplines. They want regular standardized tests to gauge progress, and our funding will be directly related to how well you kids do on those tests. Low scores on those tests will result in lower funding and more cut programs, possibly even varsity sports.

A grumble goes up from the entire class

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Which reminds me....Mr. Williams, are you here today? Tyson Williams?

TYSON, one of the cool kids, athletic, stylish, and obviously a heartbreaker, stands up. He’s wearing a athletic letterman jacket and stylish tousled blonde hair, looking like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.

TYSON
Right here, yo!

MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Williams, you’ve been the captain of the basketball team for the last two years, an all-state wrestling champion, and a star half-back for the Golden Wombats, have you not?

TYSON
You left out rock star and pimp of the nation bro!!!

The class hoots and applauds at TYSON’s brashness. Mr. Phillips looks at Tyson’s record on his desk

MR. PHILLIPS
You barely passed your last two years of algebra, and earned a combined score of less than 500 on your practice SAT’s last year, which means you didn’t even spell you name correctly on the test.

TYSON
What can I say? I’m naturally gifted! GOLDEN WOMBATS RULE!!!

While TYSON is talking, Mr. Phillips rings a little bell sitting on his desk. Two men in dark suits with dark sunglasses rush in through the door. Phillip’s points out Tyson, and the two men run over to him. They taser the boy, then pick him up and rush him out of the classroom. This all happens with the speed and precision of a military special forces operation.

TIFFANY
Oh my God Mr P! Those men just took Tyson!

MR. PHILLIPS
This is just a part of how things are going to be done at William Taft High from now on!

CHIP
What? We’re going to be tasered and kidnapped and never seen again?

MR. PHILLIPS
On the contrary - Mr. Williams is fine. Look...he’s coming back into the classroom right now.

A thin small Indian teen, SANJEET, steps into the doorway, wearing Tyson’s letter jacket, which hangs on him, and wearing a blonde wig similar to Tyson’s hair. SANJEET speaks shyly with a heavy Indian accent He tries to speak hip, but has absolutely no clue how.

MR. PHILLIPS
There you are Mr. Williams. Welcome back. Please take your seat now that you’ve returned from using the restroom.

SANJEET
Thank you Mr. P. What is up my home skillets....I am wicked refreshed now that I my lizard has been successfully drained.

Everyone stares as SANJEET takes TYSON’s seat

TIFFANY
That is NOT Tyson Mr. P.

CHIP
It’s some Indian dude!

MR. PHILLIPS
WRONG!!! This is the NEW Tyson Williams, former athletic wonder, who, thanks to an epiphany about where his low grades would lead him, has returned from Summer vacation an expert in complex mathematics and theoretical physics.

SANJEET
Quarks are my bitches!

MR. PHILLIPS
Now, if we can continue....

TIFFANY
NO!!! THIS IS SO TOTALLY WRONG!!! WHAT’S HAVE YOU DONE WITH TYSON???

MR. PHILLIPS
Ms. Morelli, your reading comprehension scores were embarrassingly low last year, weren’t they?

TIFFANY
DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT MR PHILLIPS! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TYSON!!!

MR. PHILLIPS rings a little bell sitting on his desk. TIFFANY falls to the floor as if dragged down below her desk where we cannot see her, and the electric crackle of a taser is heard. After a few seconds an Asian girl, YEI, dressed like Tiffany and wearing a wig identical to Tiffany’s hair, sits back up in Tiffany’s chair. YEI speaks with a Chinese accent, and the same awkwardness as SANJEET

YEI
Forgive please, Mr. Phillips. I drop number 2 pencil to floor. Please continue.

MR. PHILLIPS
That’s quite alright Ms. Morelli. I’m sure that someone like you, who, at your age has already completed two entire books analyzing the works of Lord Byron, which may or may not have been written in your native language, must be very attached to her number 2 pencils.

Every student except SANJEET and YEI glance nervously around, afraid to move, but trying to make sure there is no one on the floor around them.

LEILA gingerly and nervously raises her hand.

MR. PHILLIPS
Yes, Ms. Gray?

LEILA
Mr. P....I’m not saying that something just happened, in fact I’m sure absolutely nothing just happened, and I defintiely didn’t see anything just happen, and I’d swear to that on a stack of bibles even though my parents have raised me Budhist...but IF something just happened, which it didn’t, why would it have just happened?

MR. PHILLIPS
That is a well thought out question Ms. Gray. As I said before, educational funding, which includes my salary and tenure possibilities, is now being determined solely by student scores on standardized tests. A teacher may be fired, have their salary reduced, or be denied tenure simply if their students score too low on those aforementioned tests, whether or not it is the fault of the teacher, the failure of apathetic parents to properly motivate their children, or whether the children in question are simply morons. A teacher will ultimately pay the price for the failure of his or her students, even if the teacher in question was once a member of U.S. Military special forces who still has close friends in covert operations. Does that answer your question Ms. Gray?

LEILA
(scared out of her mind and almost stuttering)
Y...y...y.....yes, Mr. Phillips.

MR. PHILLIPS
I think it’s a great shame that there are so many bright ambitious students in poorer countries around the world, who would give anything for the quality education American students take for granted, and that those same foreign students are being denied that opportunity while American students take it for granted and waste it. I wish I could find a way to address that injustice, to provide those motivated hard-working foreign students with a solid education, don’t you Ms. Gray.

LEILA
(still scared out of her mind)
Y...y...y.....yes I do , Mr. Phillips.

MR. PHILLIPS
In fact, I very confident that the students in this classroom who have, shall we say, discovered a new dedication to their education, are smart and driven enough to earn merit scholarships from some of the best universities in the world. And I feel certain that the rest of you will be motivated to work harder simply by their example, won’t you class?

No one says a word. MR. PHILLIPS snaps his fingers and the two men in dark suits step inside the doorway, looking ominous.

MR. PHILLIPS
I SAID ‘WON’T WE CLASS’???

THE ENTIRE CLASS
(in unison)
YES MR. PHILLIPS

MR. PHILLIPS waves the two goons off....they Leave

MR. PHILLIPS
Any other questions before we proceed?

CHIP carefully raises his hand

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Mr. Clarkson....what is your question?

CHIP
(extremely nervous)
Mr. Phillips....sir....with all due respect....we live in the in a country where kidnapping and torture of citizens is illegal and a complete violation of our the Constitution. The United States was founded on principals that directly refute such police state tactics.

MR. PHILLIPS stares at CHIP, then slowly raises his little bell to eye level. MR PHILLIPS rings his bell again. The students on either side of CHIP slide down out of view, and tasering can be heard. Two new students of obvious foreign descent, wearing clothing and wigs that vaguely resembles that of the students they just replaced, pop up as if nothing had happened.

MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Clarkson, your test scores have been exemplary, so I will tolerate your outburst. However, students with borderline test scores will be placed in seats around you at all times. Should you feel the need to deliver a civics speech, those students will suffer to the consequences of your actions and your arrogance. Are we clear Mr. Clarkson?

CHIP
Crystal, sir. Thank you sir.

CHIP sits back down gingerly and quietly. LEILA carefully and slowly raises her hand.

MR. PHILLIPS
Another question already Ms. Gray?

MR. PHILLIPS picks up the bell and holds it for LEILA to see, but doesn’t ring it.

LEILA
Sir...ummmm...won’t the parents of the students who have, umm, altered their appearance slightly here today, notice that they look different?

MR. PHILLIPS
You’re teenagers Ms. Gray - your parents never see you anyway.

PRINCIPAL WATERS stands in the doorway and knocks on the frame

MR. PHILLIPS
Ah, Principal Waters, please come on in. We were just discussing the standardized test process for this year.

PRINCIPAL WATERS
That’s exactly what I came by to discuss. As I understand it, you had several students in your classes last year who scored lower than desired on their state-mandated tests, is that correct.

MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately it is Principal Waters. However, we were just discussing how everyone in this room has re-dedicated themselves to good study habits and....

The taser noise is heard again, and MR. PHILLIPS collapses to the floor disappearing behind his desk. A middle eastern man, GABRIEL, stands up wearing the same sweater as MR. PHILLIPS

PRINCIPAL WATERS
By the way kids, Mr. Phillips spent the summer in an Israeali kibbutz, where he picked up a slight accent, but earned two PHd’s in 18th century English literature and quantum physics. He also got a quite a tan, but we all agree he bears absolutely no resemblance to any Mossad agent who might be hiding out int the United States, don’t we??

PRINCIPAL WATERS grabs the bell and holds it up threateningly for all to see

THE ENTIRE CLASS
Yes Principal Waters!

PRINCIPAL WATERS
Excellent, children! Have a wonderful school year Mr. Phillips!

GABRIEL
Go Wombats!


Fade out