FSW: Oprah Edition

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire...

It's Friday Sketch War....and if you're going to come to a war, it's nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here's my foray into the world of Oprah...and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who's handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now.......heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee'sssssssss OPRAH!
___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE - DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

HENRY
...and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much - you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend...I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright.....Oprah. Oh heck - I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites - I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me...can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute...there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist - do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right...I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 - you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past - that’s amazing! How can that be...

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 - millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved....everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will...

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 - the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous source coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible...no one knows about that lab...how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me...I think you need....

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
...a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait....you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present - a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine - reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on....
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this....how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack - this is Big O...access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols...we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!

This weeks theme was:

horrible family holidays

It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard's blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.

I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.

And...if you'd like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.

Meanwhile, in the early 1600's......

___________________________________________________________________

INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE - DAY
We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

MILES
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

MILES
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

MILES (CONT)
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg...the Moonwolves are here!

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Coming.

MILES
Come on in...make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)
Hey Tobias, Dorothy...play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

CHILDREN
(from off)
Awwwwwww

MILES
(closes the door)
Wow....it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

MASSOTIHAN
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

MILES
Hey....we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

POWANIQUA
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

MASSOTIHAN
I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

MILES
(to POWANIQUA)
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

POWANIQUA
Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

MILES
Nice furs...can I take those for you?

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

MASSOTIHAN
I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name - if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name...so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

MILES
Mmmmm...smells good. Corn?

POWANIQUA
Maize.

MILES
Oh right...sorry....forgot.

MASSOTIHAN
There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

MILES
That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

PRISCILLA
(to MILES)
I’ve been cooking all week too...don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

MILES
Hey honey...you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

PRISCILLA
Oh yeah...you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

MASSOTIHAN
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

PRISCILLA
Oh I bet it does...you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN
I play a lot of lacrosse.

PRISCILLA
So you’re good with a long stick huh?

MILES
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
And this is his wife Powaniqua - ‘Pow’ for short.

PRISCILLA
Well aren’t you a cute young thing...Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

MILES
Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

PRISCILLA
“Pow Wow”...get it? God that’s funny.

MILES
(to PRISCILLA)
I think you’ve had enough ale, turtledove.

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

PRISCILLA
Just try it.

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

MASSOTIHAN
Something smells good. Wild turkey?

MILES
Oh yeah....big bastard too. Shot it myself...just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

PRISCILLA
(to herself)
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

MILES
What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

MASSOTIHAN
My father-in-law is running for chief again.

POWANIQUA
It’d be Daddy’s third term.

MILES
Nice.

MASSOTIHAN
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

MILES
I’m with you there....I’m more a man of action myself.

PRISCILLA
Action my ass.

MILES
The church...that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

PRISCILLA
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

MILES
They never proved she was a witch.

PRISCILLA
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

MILES
It was a stream...it was six inches deep!

PRISCILLA
Pussy.

POWANIQUA
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man...

PRISCILLA
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

POWANIQUA
I was just saying...

PRISCILLA
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

POWANIQUA
Well...I never....I.....

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

MASSOTIHAN
Honey, wait....

MASSOTIHAN runs after her

PRISCILLA
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

MILES
Priscilla!

PRISCILLA
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
Once you go white, you never go back!!!

MILES
PRISCILLA!!!

PRISCILLA
I'll give you something to be thankful for...lets' lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo

MILES
Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!

PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

MILES (CONT)
Every time...EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

PRISCILLA
I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays...I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard....

MILES
I know honey.

PRISCILLA
And we haven’t been...fruitful...in so long.

MILES
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

PRISCILLA
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

MILES hugs her.

MILES
Look....why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

PRISCILLA
Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

MILES
(to the kids outside)
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

MILES
It’s just an expression.

MASSOTIHAN
Sure....no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

MILES
Okay...sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

MASSOTIHAN nods

MILES (CONT)
How’s Pow?

MASSOTIHAN
She’s pissed but she'll be fine...she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

MILES
Good...Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

MILES
I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. Trust me - we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

MILES
Does it ever get better?

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year...”maybe this year will be different”....”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

MILES
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

MASSOTIHAN
Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother....know what I mean?

MILES
Harvest?

MASSOTIHAN
Hell yeah....had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

MILES
Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

MASSOTIHAN and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

MILES (CONT)
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive....

FADE OUT.

FSW: Autumn Edition

Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!

Richard gave us "Autumn" as our theme for the week - and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to "raging against the dying of the light". Richard gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage. No word from other combtants yet.

Theme duties will probably fall to me...unless you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).

________________________________________________________________

INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM - DAY
JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80’s. A walker is also nearby.

JESSSIE
(showing WILBUR a photo)
And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.

WILBUR
You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He’s 3 now?

JESSSIE
Three and a half...and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.

WILBUR
He’s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I...

2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.

JESSSIE
(pulling out another photo)
Oh...and here he is pulling the goat’s tail.

WILBUR starts to get up

WILBUR
Listen honey, you need to go....now.

JESSSIE
I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
I know, I’m sorry...I’ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you’ve got to go.

JESSSIE
Is something wrong Grandpa?

WILBUR
Shut up and leave...now...please!!!

JESSSIE
Oh...okay. I’ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
Fine...whatever...

JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.

LES
Going somewhere, missy??

LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.

FANNY
No hurry, child....sit a spell....

FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.

ED
Well, well, well....looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.

ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.

WILBUR
That’s my granddaughter E-Dog. She’s just leaving.

ED
Nonsense...pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.

JESSSIE
I think I really should be going.

ED pulls out an automatic handgun.

ED
Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?

JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.

ED
There now, isn’t that better.

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.

ED
Here that posse....Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain’t that convenient.

FANNY
Sounds like he’s fibbing to me E-Dog.

JESSSIE
Exuse me, but who are you people.

LES
Watch your tone, missy. You don’t know who you’re messing with.

ED
We’re the E-Wing Incontinentals.

FANNY
The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.

LES
Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.

ED
We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.

JESSSIE
Look if it’s money you want...

ED
What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can’t buy nothin’, cause there ain’t no place to buy nothin’.

LES
We need something better than money...something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.

FANNY
Butterscotches.

ED
Butterscotch is the really currency in hear...you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers....butterscotch is gold baby.

LES
Word

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to get some...my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that’s all.

ED
You got a visitor right there Wilbur....you couldn’t phone and have her bring some?

FANNY
Like a big bag...Walgreen’s has them on sale.

LES
$3.99 for 3.

ED
Yeah Wilbur...how come you didn’t ask her to bring some?

JESSSIE
He’s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.

LES
Sugar free tastes like shit.

FANNY
Gives me the toots.

JESSSIE
Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.

LES
Watch yourself missy!

FANNY
Respect your elders, girly girl!

JESSSIE
How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.

ED
So what. We ain’t got no future in here.

LES
Damn straihgt E-dog.

ED
We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast...

FANNY
As fast as you can without hurting yourself

ED
Die young.

LES
Younger

ED
Leave a beautiful corpse

FANNY
Leave A corpse.

JESSSIE
Now wait...you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you’d have the best care possible...

ED
Bullshit....the whole world has dissed us. Once you’re our age, you don’t got respect, and you don’t got a future....so you gots to live in the now...

FANNY
And in the butterscotch....

ED
Cause there may be no tomorrow.

LES
Word

ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.

ED
And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain’t nobody respectin’ elders.

FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor

FANNY
For my homey John McCain.

LES
For Christ's sake Fanny, he's still alive

ED
But I’m gettin your respect right now, ain’t I?

FANNY
Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!

LES
Werther’s....make Her get Werthers.

ED
The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood...if you want to live I think you best be steppin’ down to Walgreen’s.

LES
Word

JESSSIE
I’m not doing anything for you - elder or not. You’re just a rude bitter old man.

ED
I’m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!

JESSSIE
Oh yeah? Well how about using it!

JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout “get her Ed, pop a cap” etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim....Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.

DERREK
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?

LES
(forced whisper to FANNY)
Shit! Five-o!

DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.

DERREK
I thought I took that away from you.

JESSSIE
That was gutsy...he could have shot you.

DERREK
He can’t load any bullets...arthritis. But that doesn’t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?

ED
Call me E-Dog.

FANNY
The man...always smacking us down.

DERREK
Look...it’s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don’t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?

JESSSIE
Thank you.

DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.

ED
(to JESSIE)
He may have taken my piece, but we ain't lettin you and your grandpa leave ‘til we get us a butterscotch deal.

ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.

JESSSIE
C’mon Grandpa - let’s get out of here!

WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.

FANNY
Awwwww...look how cute!

LES
He sure loves that goat.

ED
Oh look...he’s even holding his toy gun properly!

ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.

ED
Look at this - he’s got pudding all over his face!

FANNY
So cute.

LES
Word

BLACK OUT

FSW: Reconciliation

What a week! California especially has been weird - Obama wins a historic predential election (thankfully!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO), California's live stock gets breathing room, and California's gay marriage rights get revoked....go figure. The good news is it ain't over til the fat lady sings, and the fat ladies life-partner sings harmony.

There's lots of reconcilition to be done out there - as historic as Obama's election is, how the 47.6 percent of US citizens handle it (the ones that like invading countries and buying guns) may be a story unfolding for many years. I'm a happy guy cause my favorite candidate won...that'll hold me for now.

Speaking of....reconciliation was our theme for the week. I decided to get a little silly (after hearing an interview with Matt Parker and Trey Stone - creators of South Park - where they said the thing that initially brought them together was a mutual fanatacism for Monty Python). So here's a very rough stab at a Python sketch inspired by "reconciliation".

No word from Michael or David yet, but Richard has taken us out of this world for his volley.

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INT. FIFTIES-STYLE CONFERENCE ROOM

The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.

BIG CPA
Alright boys, this is it - the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink - report your progress.

RED INK
Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago - a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward - it would take an average person years to find the errors.

BIG CPA
Very nice...Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?

NICKEL
Ohhhhhh....Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.

DIME
We keep changing what expenses are allowed....

NICKEL
And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives

DIME
When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them...

NICKEL
But we don’t say which they are...so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.

DIME
Which they never will!!!!

NICKEL AND DIME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

BIG CPA
Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?

DOUBLE LEDGER
I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!

BIG CPA
Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words - like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” - just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.

NICKEL
Nice one...

DIME
Boss!

BIG CPA
In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here...so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!

RED INK
At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!

BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.

BIG CPA
Gentlemen.....I give you the Axis...
(He pulls the handle twice....ca-chink, ca-chink)
Of Accountants!!!!

ALL
THE AXIS...
(ca-chink, ca-chink)
OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!

THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.

DOUBLE LEDGER
Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!

The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.

THE RECONCILER
That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!

BIG CPA
Nickel, Dime...get him!

NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.

RED INK jumps into the fray.

RED INK
Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up....
(pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
...in the red!!!!

THE RECONCILER
Do your worst, Red Ink!

RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.

RED INK
It.....it can’t be!!!

THE RECONCILER
My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!

RED INK
No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.

BIG CPA
Double Ledger - hit him with your books!!!

DOUBLE LEDGER
I’m an accountant....I’ve never been the physical type.

DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.

THE RECONCILER
It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.

BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table

BIG CPA
Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!

THE RECONCILER
How....how did you get that?

BIG CPA
Let’s see....looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.

THE RECONCILER
That’s completely legal - I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.

BIG CPA
Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car - the Add-illac?

THE RECONCILER
It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.

BIG CPA
Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too...that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!

THE RECONCILE
Interesting....you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?

BIG CPA
Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!

THE RECONCILER
That’s what I thought...and that means you’re no longer a CPA!

BIG CPA
Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!

THE RECONCILER
The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification...you’re powerless!

The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.

THE RECONCILER
Take them away boys...and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.

MARTIN
Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?

THE RECONCILER
You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!

THE RECONCILER starts to head out.

MARTIN
Uhhh...Reconciler?

THE RECONCILER
Yes Martin?

MARTIN
My books still need cleaning up....you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?

THE RECONCILER
No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too...

MARTIN
Did you have plans over the weekend?

THE RECONCILER
Well, no...Wonder Woman is having this party though...

MARTIN
Did she invite you?

THE RECONCILER
Ummm....no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think....

MARTIN
Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.

THE RECONCILER
Ummmm....sure Martin. Whatever you say.

MARTIN
You’re a life save Reconciler!

BLACK OUT