Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!
Richard gave us "Autumn" as our theme for the week - and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to "raging against the dying of the light". Richard gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage. No word from other combtants yet.
Theme duties will probably fall to me...unless you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).
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INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM - DAY
JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80’s. A walker is also nearby.
JESSSIE
(showing WILBUR a photo)
And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.
WILBUR
You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He’s 3 now?
JESSSIE
Three and a half...and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.
WILBUR
He’s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I...
2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.
JESSSIE
(pulling out another photo)
Oh...and here he is pulling the goat’s tail.
WILBUR starts to get up
WILBUR
Listen honey, you need to go....now.
JESSSIE
I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.
WILBUR
I know, I’m sorry...I’ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you’ve got to go.
JESSSIE
Is something wrong Grandpa?
WILBUR
Shut up and leave...now...please!!!
JESSSIE
Oh...okay. I’ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.
WILBUR
Fine...whatever...
JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.
LES
Going somewhere, missy??
LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.
FANNY
No hurry, child....sit a spell....
FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.
ED
Well, well, well....looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.
ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.
WILBUR
That’s my granddaughter E-Dog. She’s just leaving.
ED
Nonsense...pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.
JESSSIE
I think I really should be going.
ED pulls out an automatic handgun.
ED
Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?
JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.
ED
There now, isn’t that better.
WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.
ED
Here that posse....Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain’t that convenient.
FANNY
Sounds like he’s fibbing to me E-Dog.
JESSSIE
Exuse me, but who are you people.
LES
Watch your tone, missy. You don’t know who you’re messing with.
ED
We’re the E-Wing Incontinentals.
FANNY
The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.
LES
Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.
ED
We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.
JESSSIE
Look if it’s money you want...
ED
What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can’t buy nothin’, cause there ain’t no place to buy nothin’.
LES
We need something better than money...something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.
FANNY
Butterscotches.
ED
Butterscotch is the really currency in hear...you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers....butterscotch is gold baby.
LES
Word
WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to get some...my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that’s all.
ED
You got a visitor right there Wilbur....you couldn’t phone and have her bring some?
FANNY
Like a big bag...Walgreen’s has them on sale.
LES
$3.99 for 3.
ED
Yeah Wilbur...how come you didn’t ask her to bring some?
JESSSIE
He’s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.
LES
Sugar free tastes like shit.
FANNY
Gives me the toots.
JESSSIE
Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.
LES
Watch yourself missy!
FANNY
Respect your elders, girly girl!
JESSSIE
How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.
ED
So what. We ain’t got no future in here.
LES
Damn straihgt E-dog.
ED
We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast...
FANNY
As fast as you can without hurting yourself
ED
Die young.
LES
Younger
ED
Leave a beautiful corpse
FANNY
Leave A corpse.
JESSSIE
Now wait...you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you’d have the best care possible...
ED
Bullshit....the whole world has dissed us. Once you’re our age, you don’t got respect, and you don’t got a future....so you gots to live in the now...
FANNY
And in the butterscotch....
ED
Cause there may be no tomorrow.
LES
Word
ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.
ED
And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain’t nobody respectin’ elders.
FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor
FANNY
For my homey John McCain.
LES
For Christ's sake Fanny, he's still alive
ED
But I’m gettin your respect right now, ain’t I?
FANNY
Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!
LES
Werther’s....make Her get Werthers.
ED
The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood...if you want to live I think you best be steppin’ down to Walgreen’s.
LES
Word
JESSSIE
I’m not doing anything for you - elder or not. You’re just a rude bitter old man.
ED
I’m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!
JESSSIE
Oh yeah? Well how about using it!
JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout “get her Ed, pop a cap” etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim....Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.
DERREK
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?
LES
(forced whisper to FANNY)
Shit! Five-o!
DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.
DERREK
I thought I took that away from you.
JESSSIE
That was gutsy...he could have shot you.
DERREK
He can’t load any bullets...arthritis. But that doesn’t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?
ED
Call me E-Dog.
FANNY
The man...always smacking us down.
DERREK
Look...it’s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don’t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?
JESSSIE
Thank you.
DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.
ED
(to JESSIE)
He may have taken my piece, but we ain't lettin you and your grandpa leave ‘til we get us a butterscotch deal.
ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.
JESSSIE
C’mon Grandpa - let’s get out of here!
WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.
FANNY
Awwwww...look how cute!
LES
He sure loves that goat.
ED
Oh look...he’s even holding his toy gun properly!
ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.
ED
Look at this - he’s got pudding all over his face!
FANNY
So cute.
LES
Word
BLACK OUT
3 comments:
Always comedy gold: old people acting crazy.
Gotta tell you though, since I've lived in PHX, I have a lot less tolerance for the old. They're just sooooo slow. Forget about handling a gun, they're lucky if they can turn a steering wheel!
I was actually trying for a smidge of satire, pointing out that the elderly have a lot of the same reasons for joining \ creating gangs that gang bangers do (no future, no job prospects, lack of respect, etc)...But I don't think I quite rounded that corner. Oopss!
But you've given me a great idea for a horror script - stuck on a one lane highway, two lanes full of elderly drivers, and 3 recently emptied cups of coffee.
No, no. I thought you'd hit that. I thought it was clever how they were behaving exactly like young bangers, sure they had little time to live anyway so they should live hard.
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