FSW: Putting the fun in Funeral

Ahhh Friday, and the hills are alive with the sound of sketches!

I'm a little tardy posting today - I've been off work this week, so I've been slacking on everything!

The topic this week was funerals, and I have to admit, for the first half of the week, I was really stuck - all I could picture was the famous Bill Braskey funeral sketch written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrel for Saturday Night Live a few years back. Every sketch idea I had seemed to be a variation on that. But once I was able to get past that, some nice ideas started breaking, and in the end it came down to a Bill Brasky variation, a Viking funeral sketch, or this, which is more filmic commercial parody and less character driven (which is a fancy way of saying "this is pure unadulterated silliness with lots of visual gags"). But it's definitely different from what I usually tend towards writing, and ended up being dialogue light ("show, don't tell" is something I try to work towards more and more with sketches).

Well, enough of my rambling....Michael let us sit in on a funeral WITH the deceased watching and Robert whacked a super-villain's lackey.

And here's my funeral offering for the week....next week's theme is "Change".

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INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An austere but reverent viewing room. An open casket surrounded by flowers is at the front of the room and a line of mourners file by paying their respects

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s never easy to lose a loved one....

The widow stands over the casket with 2 sons flanking either side, all looking down into the casket and shaking their heads slowly. The camera moves in closer to the casket

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun!

The camera pans down into the casket to show the deceased packed in ice set with cold bottles of bear. Against the corpse’s chest is a small flat screen TV showing an NFL game, held between the deceased’s hands. Tortilla chips inset with bowls of salsa and nacho cheese ring the deceased’s head.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOUR - DAY

The place looks somber from the outside, except for the TGI Friday’s style sign and red \ white striped awnings

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
At P.T. Bucketkicker’s Funeral Parlour we create the kind of funerals that people look forward to! Want to turn those tears of loss in tears of laughter? Try our “Jack in the Casket”

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An elderly couple walks up to view the casket. A “SPROING” sound is heard and the corpse immediately sits upright in the casket. The elderly woman laughs, the elderly man clutches his chest and falls to the floor.

On the screen, a disclaimer is superimposed:
“Jack in a Casket option must be selected prior to rigor mortis”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saying goodbye makes wake attendees more aware their own days are coming to end. You can make them feel like a kid again with Wakey - our funereal clown!

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another wake, people sit in front of an open casket while others file past to pay their respects. WAKEY is also in line mocking the other mourners with exaggerated wiping of tears and other mimed gestures. WAKEY is a traditional party clown with white face, big orange hair, red nose, etc, except his jumpsuit and shoes are black and white, like a clown tuxedo, and he has crosses attached to each shoulder.

WAKEY makes a big “shush” gesture to the sitting mourners, and as standing mourner leans in over the body, WAKEY pulls out an oversized box with a big red button. When the standing mourner is looking into the casket, WAKEY pushes the button, and an arm pops up from the casket hitting the standing mourner square in the face with a pie. WAKEY mimes laughing as the pie-dripping mourner stands bakc upright. As the pie-smacked mourner turns to look at WAKEY, a powerful stream of seltzer sprays from the coffin hitting the him right in the face.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of kids, don’t you hate bringing them to funerals? P.T. Bucketkicker’s is the only funeral parlor in the tri-state area with a state-of-the-art video game arcade AND bowling alley.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another funeral wake, mourners sit respectfully as BRUCE stands before them. The sounds of bowling can be head loudly as BRUCE starts to speak

BRUCE
I’d like to thank you all for coming. I know my mother would have been touched that all of you are here for her.

The “whoo-whoo-whoo” sound of PAC-MAN hitting a ghost is heard.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Losing a spouse is especially hard. You haven’t been to a party alone in years. So why should you go to a funeral alone? P.T. Bucketkicker’s can provide you with a funereal escort so you don’t have to face this all alone.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR HALLWAY
A man holds a door open as mourners file into a viewing room. The widow walks in on the arm of a topless rippled Chippendale’s dancer, complete with black spandex pants and fake white wrist cuffs. She pauses, turns and waves behind her to an elderly man entering another view room. The elderly man is in a wheel chair, very frail looking, wearing an oxygen mask attached to a bottle on his chair. The elderly man is wheeled in by a stiletto-heeled-boot wearing, leather bustier, leather shorts and fishnet clad Pussycat Doll. The elderly man smiles, and gives a thumbs up and we hear a deep pull on that oxygen.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of spouses, you began your married life with that romantic first dance. Shouldn’t you have a last dance to say goodbye? At P.T. Bucketkicker’s, we can make that happen.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Chairs have line the sides and a big area is cleared in the middle of the view room. The lights go down except for a spotlight in the center. The widow steps into the light and “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” starts playing. The deceased is wheeled in by a well-dressed funeral director on a hand truck, upright, with arms splayed in waltz position like a mannequin. The widow steps in an arranges herself so the deceased’s arms hit in the right places, which takes some time. The funeral director puts his arms under the deceased’s to help. They finally start dancing, awkwardly, with the funeral director wheeling the deceased around, and the widow doing her best to keep up.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Don’t you hate those people at the eulogy who try to make the deceased sound like a saint just because they’re dead? Let them try that with our eulogy lie detector.

CUT TO:

INT. - CHURCH - DAY
Mourners sit in the church as CHARLIE stands up at the pulpit. He stands under a wooden frame, like an airport metal detector, with a large red and a green light at the top of the frame

CHARLIE
Dan was a giving man, a loving father, and a devoted husband

A loud BUZZ sounds, and the red light lights up. Charlie and The congregated mourners burst into laughter

CHARLIE (CONT)
Oh geez...alright...let’s face it, Dan loved his underage hookers! He lived life like a penicillin tycoon on a Bangkok shore leave!

The green light lights up as a bell sounds, everyone laughs, except the widow who looks surprised and appalled, and starts crying even harder.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Finding it hard to say that final goodbye? With the Pop-up Pit, you won’t have to!

CUT TO:

EXT. - CEMETARY - DAY
All of the mourners stand grave-side as the casket is lowered into the earth. The mourners turn to leave, weeping loudly, and the casket is launched up out of the hole and lands on the ground next to the pit.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
With so many options, you can customize your funeral to suit YOUR kind of fun!

A list of options starts scrolling up the screen:
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT NOVELY WREATHS
PARTY HUMMER-HEARSE (WITH HOT TUB)
“WHOOPEE” CASKETS
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK EMBALMING FLUID
OUR PROFESSIONAL SLAPSTICK PALLBEARING TEAM - “THE PALLIES!”
EXOTIC DANCERS FOR ALL FAITHS AND DENOMINATIONS
STAND-UP PRIESTS (FROM LAS VEGAS)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
So if you’ve got someone to bury why not bring them on down to P.T. Bucketkicker’s...where we put the FUN back in Funeral!

The camera pans over slightly so the marquee sign in front of the Funeral Parlor can be seen. On the sign:
“Lenderman viewing: Mon 3-7
Ladies Night: Weds 7-Midnight”

FADE OUT