April 25, 2008
WASHINGTON – A potentially volatile incident in the Persian Gulf Friday showed a silver-lining Friday, when it provided the perfect opportunity for the government to reveal the results of top secret program. Commander Lydia Robertson, spokeswomen for the U.S. Navy’s Fifth Fleet demonstrated the program in a press conference:
Robertson began speaking with her hands flat on the podium.
“A cargo ship” said Robertson, who then raised both hands palms approximately level with her forehead, forefinger and middle finger extended on both hands, before making the bunny-ears \ air quotes bouncing finger gesture…
…“contracted”…
At this point Robertson lowered her hands and continued speaking.
…”by the US Government, fired several” (bunny-ears gesture) ”warning shots” (ears down) ”when the vessel was approach by two small” (ears) ”unidentified” (ears down)”watercraft.”
At this moment every attending member of the press corps in broke into wild applause.
“Stunning, absolutely stunning” said Eli Watson, covering the conference for the New York Times. “They’ve discovered a way to be both recklessly aggressive and diplomatic at the same time The Bush administration has never been known for their command of the spoken language, but I’ve got to hand it to them….this is impressive”.
Research into bunny-ear technology began during World War II in Los Alamos, New Mexico alongside atomic bomb research. Bunny-ear technology was shelved before it could be weaponized when atomic research yielded success ,, The technology languished until 4 years ago when the original research was re-discovered. “We stumbled on it when President Bush commissioned us to develop killer rabbits for mid-east combat” says Ronald Westmore, head of Raytheon’s Military Research Division. “We’ve been refining the technology ever since.”
A spokesman for the Iranian navy said his government would like to be upset for being falsely accused of aggressive naval activity, but that Tehran couldn’t be sure it was being accused due to the ambiguity of the bunny-ear air-quotes. “We think they’re accusing us of trying to start a firefight” said the Iranian spokesman, “but it could be an attempt at sarcasm or humor – we’re still trying to figure it out”.
“Iran has been reduced to a position where they cannot respond in any meaningful way” says Westmore. “This is better than a first strike weapon. It’s a last-strike weapon”.
“The President is very happy with the results from the bunny-ear program, especially the stealth aspects of it” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “and he thinks that the Iranians are (ears) being completely truthful about the gulf incident (ears down)”.
Perino added “the President is very happy this technology can be unveiled on the same day his (ears) stimulus package rebates (ears down) start getting mailed to people. He believes (ears) it’ll REALLY help.”
Perino exited the room with her bunny-ears still up.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Democrats Fuse Obama and Clinton into Single Person to Counter Potential Rice Vice Presidency Bid
April 8, 2008 – WASHINGTON
The Democratic Party has taken swift and dramatic action after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice refused to reject a possible spot as Republican front-runner John McCain’s running mate – they have fused their leading presidential candidates into a single being.
“We didn’t see the Condie thing coming” says Roger Smaltz, senior Democratic strategist. “Republicans would never field an African American or female presidential candidate, so we threw our weight behind Senators Obama and Clinton. But Rice as a vice presidential candidate blindsided us. A black-woman in the white house - even one in a non-functional role - is the last thing we expected from the GOP.”
Senators Obama and Clinton were advised of the situation Monday evening, and immediately agreed to the fusing procedure, which was performed early Tuesday morning at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland. Both candidates made brief statements before the process saying how much easier this process would be if the Bush administration had not placed bans on stem-cell research.
“The procedure went very smoothly” said Dr. Leonard Matthis, Chief of Fuseological Medicine at Bethesda. “There were many attachment points that fit together nicely. There was some rejection in places, but it was mostly superficial.”
Hours after the procedure, the newly-fused uber-candidate exited from the hospital, wept briefly then made a brief statement about improving health care and strongly condemning the Iraq war.
“We did not vote for this war” stated the fused candidate, “because we did not exist at that time – we were separate, but now we are one”.
“It’s exciting” said Smaltz, “for the first time in memory that the Democratic Party has a unified message and no in-fighting.”
Many Americans have been pleasantly surprised that the leading democratic candidates were a woman and an African American. “We feel it will really pay off in the debates between the party nominees” says Smaltz. “If a Republican candidate, inevitably a white male, calls a woman or African American opponent stupid, the Republican candidate looks sexist or racist. Our previous strategy, where we debated someone widely regarded as a complete imbecile and let them hang themselves with their own words – proved less successful during the last 2 elections than we’d hoped.”
There was some concern that the new fused candidate would be considered less than a year old and therefore unelectable under the US constitution. However, the Supreme Court determined that the combined age of the fused candidates was well over 100 years, which easily exceeded the minimum age of 35 required by the constitution while remaining younger than John McCain.
“We’re still determining what to call this new super-candidate” says Smaltz. “We’re leaning towards ‘Hilbama Oblinton’ - the lilt in the last name is polling well with Irish Americans.”
The Democratic Party next plans to find potential running mates to further shore up their position. They are seeking Hispanic-Native American-Irish-Asian-Italian-Caucasian hermaphrodites from Ohio or Pennsylvania with abiguous sexual preferences, moderately liberal stances on health care and strong non-binding rhetoric about economic recovery packages. “There are several congressional members that fit that definition” says Smaltz, “the problem is finding one who hasn’t hired a call girl in the last six months.”
In response to the fusing, John McCain is expected to grow older.
The Democratic Party has taken swift and dramatic action after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice refused to reject a possible spot as Republican front-runner John McCain’s running mate – they have fused their leading presidential candidates into a single being.
“We didn’t see the Condie thing coming” says Roger Smaltz, senior Democratic strategist. “Republicans would never field an African American or female presidential candidate, so we threw our weight behind Senators Obama and Clinton. But Rice as a vice presidential candidate blindsided us. A black-woman in the white house - even one in a non-functional role - is the last thing we expected from the GOP.”
Senators Obama and Clinton were advised of the situation Monday evening, and immediately agreed to the fusing procedure, which was performed early Tuesday morning at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland. Both candidates made brief statements before the process saying how much easier this process would be if the Bush administration had not placed bans on stem-cell research.
“The procedure went very smoothly” said Dr. Leonard Matthis, Chief of Fuseological Medicine at Bethesda. “There were many attachment points that fit together nicely. There was some rejection in places, but it was mostly superficial.”
Hours after the procedure, the newly-fused uber-candidate exited from the hospital, wept briefly then made a brief statement about improving health care and strongly condemning the Iraq war.
“We did not vote for this war” stated the fused candidate, “because we did not exist at that time – we were separate, but now we are one”.
“It’s exciting” said Smaltz, “for the first time in memory that the Democratic Party has a unified message and no in-fighting.”
Many Americans have been pleasantly surprised that the leading democratic candidates were a woman and an African American. “We feel it will really pay off in the debates between the party nominees” says Smaltz. “If a Republican candidate, inevitably a white male, calls a woman or African American opponent stupid, the Republican candidate looks sexist or racist. Our previous strategy, where we debated someone widely regarded as a complete imbecile and let them hang themselves with their own words – proved less successful during the last 2 elections than we’d hoped.”
There was some concern that the new fused candidate would be considered less than a year old and therefore unelectable under the US constitution. However, the Supreme Court determined that the combined age of the fused candidates was well over 100 years, which easily exceeded the minimum age of 35 required by the constitution while remaining younger than John McCain.
“We’re still determining what to call this new super-candidate” says Smaltz. “We’re leaning towards ‘Hilbama Oblinton’ - the lilt in the last name is polling well with Irish Americans.”
The Democratic Party next plans to find potential running mates to further shore up their position. They are seeking Hispanic-Native American-Irish-Asian-Italian-Caucasian hermaphrodites from Ohio or Pennsylvania with abiguous sexual preferences, moderately liberal stances on health care and strong non-binding rhetoric about economic recovery packages. “There are several congressional members that fit that definition” says Smaltz, “the problem is finding one who hasn’t hired a call girl in the last six months.”
In response to the fusing, John McCain is expected to grow older.
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