The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I'm just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline :)
Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.
I figured I'd jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.
Richard took us to school about Harry Truman - no word from Peter yet. I'll update when others report in for battle.
But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:
___________________________________________________________________
EXT. DESERT MUD HUT - NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky
BALTHASAR
Oh yeah - that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.
MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.
CASPAR
Wow....just.....wow.
MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside...we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.
CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.
BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.
CASPAR
Oh come on man...if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.
BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm...3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future...not bad. Nice...heart-warming.
MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.
BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?
CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love...sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.
MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby...they’re very germy.
CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts...
MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing...a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!
CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething...write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.
BALTHASAR
Oh....I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.
MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR
MELCHIOR
You bastard.
CASPAR
Oh man...you just don’t get it.
BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.
MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.
CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.
BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?
CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings....the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?
MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins...and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!
BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.
CASPAR
That’s not the point man....we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane...thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”
MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.
CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff....stuff From the heart.
BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”
MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.
BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.
MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!
BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it - you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.
MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.
CASPAR
Oh man...you two are bumming me out so bad right now.
MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.
CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider...give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?
MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold - please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”
BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to...and can afford to give.
CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.
CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?
MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.
BALTHASAR
What’s that?
CASPAR
Oh man...it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.
MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.
CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!
BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.
CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.
MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.
BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.
CASPAR
Probably not.
MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold....I mean, anybody can get gold, right?
BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.
CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious...they’ll, like, have to go look those up.
MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”
CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”
MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.
CASPAR
Forever.
MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?
CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.
BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.
CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?
BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!
CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?
MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?
CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut....want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?
MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.
MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit
FADE TO BLACK.
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky
BALTHASAR
Oh yeah - that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.
MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.
CASPAR
Wow....just.....wow.
MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside...we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.
CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.
BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.
CASPAR
Oh come on man...if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.
BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm...3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future...not bad. Nice...heart-warming.
MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.
BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?
CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love...sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.
MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby...they’re very germy.
CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts...
MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing...a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!
CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething...write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.
BALTHASAR
Oh....I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.
MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR
MELCHIOR
You bastard.
CASPAR
Oh man...you just don’t get it.
BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.
MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.
CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.
BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?
CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings....the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?
MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins...and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!
BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.
CASPAR
That’s not the point man....we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane...thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”
MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.
CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff....stuff From the heart.
BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”
MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.
BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.
MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!
BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it - you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.
MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.
CASPAR
Oh man...you two are bumming me out so bad right now.
MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.
CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider...give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?
MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold - please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”
BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to...and can afford to give.
CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.
CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?
MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.
BALTHASAR
What’s that?
CASPAR
Oh man...it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.
MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.
CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!
BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.
CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.
MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.
BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.
CASPAR
Probably not.
MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold....I mean, anybody can get gold, right?
BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.
CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious...they’ll, like, have to go look those up.
MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”
CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”
MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.
CASPAR
Forever.
MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?
CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.
BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.
CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?
BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!
CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?
MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?
CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut....want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?
MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.
MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit
FADE TO BLACK.
