FSW: Trick or Treat edition

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Let's drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It's sugar free, but I won't gurantee it's razor-blade free. This week's theme was "Trick or Treat" - and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I'm sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well - so fire away).

No word from Michael, David or Richard yet....but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.

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EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside - music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes - a ghost, a witch and a devil - run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

KIDS
Trick or treat!!!

THOM
Awwww...look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

All the kids do

THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

KIDS
Thank you!!!

The kids run off to the next house

THOM
You’re very welcome - Happy Halloween!!!

KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!

THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group - IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends - ZEKE and FLOYD - wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

THOM
Oh...hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be...

IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again...more chanting ensues

IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

THOM
Stop that would you?

IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

THOM
Man that burns...what’s in that thing?

IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

THOM
What the heck are you doing?

IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

IRENE
No...not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work...to purge our neighborhood of evil.

THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

IRENE
Look...a cauldron. A tool of the witch....yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

More chanting and holy water

THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

THOM
No...stop...look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer....oh, you’re religious so, we have...

ZEKE
Any vodka?

THOM
Grey Goose.

FLOYD
Elitist

THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on....it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one - the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground ...silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

THOM
Guys, no torches in the house.

FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

IRENE starts sprinkling the house

IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and...

IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

PAT
Nice robes.

IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

PAT
Thom’s not evil....just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

IRENE
Love to!

IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

PAT
Nice

LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

THOM
Coming!!!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Mad Scientist edition

Welcome to.....FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin' mind!!!).

It's been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I'll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

Richard's also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment on Richard's sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court....therefore our theme for this week is:

Trick OR Treat
(yup....an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both....have at it gents!)
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INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(with a German accent)
IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I...

JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

JANET
Dr. Heiglschwein - Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

MRS. DAVIDSON
No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ahhhhhhhh....My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sorry Mrs. Davidson...just reminiscing.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me - it’s been a nightmare.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Red tape....always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

MRS. DAVIDSON
It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
I see...and how long has he been dead?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in...god damn HMO’s.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Is he here today?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Yes, he’s in the lobby.

The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(into intercom)
Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

JANET
(over intercom)
Right away doctor.

The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
(to Mr. Davidson)
NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ummmmm...., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him...

MRS. DAVIDSON
STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike - let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days - bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements - none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

MRS. DAVIDSON
For instance?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh geez...those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
...and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment....

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
How attached are you to.....his brain?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Not very....Walter was never a great thinker.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain....and signed this waver.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(picking up the pen)
Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh knock it off Walter.

WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
He lives!!!

MRS. DAVIDSON
I see that.
(pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
What’s going on with that?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Oh....a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

MRS. DAVIDSON
It will eventually go away, right?

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Oh you are good.
(to WALTER)
Walter, we’re going home, right now - get in the car

WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

MRS. DAVIDSON
(back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
(to WALTER)
Walter that’s a hydrangea - stop that!!!
(smiling, to the DOCTOR)
He was never this frisky before!
(Back to WALTER as she exits)
I’m coming Walter...let’s go home.

FADE TO BLACK

FSW: Best Friends Edition

Stop, hey what's that sound? Everybody look what's goin down....it's the FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - BEST FRIENDS EDITION!!! And this week, I took "war" a little too literally.

Richard gave our theme last week - not sure who theme duties fall to this week since Michael's status is up in the air, but Dave rejoined the battle week!

I'll post updated links as combatants report to the arena.

UPDATED: Michael snuck in when I wasn't looking (well before I posted actually), and gave us a tale of banks, dildos, and prarie dogs (welcome back to the blogospehere Michael - even if is just a Friday drive-by). He also provided next week's theme: Mad Scientist. More updates as others report in.

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EXT. VIETNAM JUNGLE 1968 - NIGHT
Explosions and sound of automatic gunfire can be heard from every side - we’re in the middle of a nighttime jungle firefight. People are screaming and voices can be heard barking orders in military jargon, planes streak past overhead.

SOUTHSIDE, an African-American US soldier in his early 20’s enters, supporting CHARGER, a burly square jawed white soldier also in his early 20’s who appears to be wounded. Both wear jungle camo fatigues. SOUTHSIDE sets CHARGER down on the ground and pulls off his backpack. CHARGER grunts and grabs his leg in pain as SOUTHSIDE starts pulling medical supplies out of his pack and treating CHARGER.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man, we’re gonna to get you outta here. You’re gonna make it.

CHARGER
It’s bad man....I know it’s bad. You don’t have to lie to me.

SOUTHSIDE
Stay with me Charger....do not give up!

CHARGER
I always knew I’d buy it in ‘Nam, Southside...that I’d end up dying for my country. But...I....

SOUTHSIDE
You got something to say, now’s the time.

CHARGER
There’s a hundred ways to buy it in the Nam, Southside. But I’m glad I get to go with you by my side. You’ve been the best buddy a guy could ever have...always there for me no matter what.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man...hang on....we gonna get you home, I promise you.

CHARGER
No man, I ain’t gettin’ out of this jungle alive, but you are...and you gotta live for me...gotta do the livin’ for both of us from now on, you understand?

SOUTHSIDE
Yeah, I hear you....what you want me to do for you brother?

CHARGER
Make America mean something again....make it a shining beacon of truth and justice in the world
SOUTHSIDE
I will, man, I promise I will

CHARGER
Fight for clean air...

SOUTHSIDE
Until my dying day

CHARGER
And for pure water...

SOUTHSIDE
With every ounce of my strength...

CHARGER
And fight to make sure no black man ever becomes president.

SOUTHSIDE
Excuse me?

CHARGER
You gotta make that happen for me since I can’t!

SOUTHSIDE
Did you just tell me....ME...a black man, your best friend in Vietnam....the dude tryin to save your life, to make sure a black man never becomes president???

CHARGER
Oh thank God, you understand.

SOUTHSIDE
What the fuck Man?You can NOT be that much of a redneck. We been best friends the entire time been in country, and the whole time we were in bootcamp before that. My redneck detector would have gone apeshit a long time ago if you were bullshittin this whole time..

CHARGER
Power and money is all us white guys have left.

SOUTHSIDE
Ain’t that enough?

CHARGER
No man...Black musicians are cooler than whites, black athletes are better than white atletes, black men have bigger...

SOUTHSIDE
That’s a myth.

CHARGER
Remember the barracks showers at Fort Bragg?

SOUTHSIDE
(smiling)
Okay, you got me. But look...we may be great athletes, but it’s rich white guys that own the teams.

CHARGER
Just when we’re old - it’s the only way white guys get laid after 55.

SOUTHSIDE
Good point.

CHARGER
Look man...white guys are losing all the cool stuff. Being president is the last great dream white kids can have without fear of competition.

SOUTHSIDE
So I should never let a black man be president.

CHARGER
Never

SOUTHSIDE
Not even if the whole country is going to shit and the black man in question was like super-smart and had all kinds of great ideas on how to fix things?

CHARGER
Every dumb white person in the US would move to Canada if a smart black man had to bail their asses out.

SOUTHSIDE
Might not be so bad.

CHARGER
You want a war with Canada?

SOUTHSIDE
Charger, man, I love you like a brother, but you ask too much

CHARGER
It’s my dying wish man...you gotta do this for me

SOUTHSIDE
What if our positions were reversed....what if I were dying and told you you’d HAVE to vote for a black president someday if the right guy came along?

CHARGER
I.....I don’t know....

SOUTHSIDE
What if I was dyin’ cause I took a bullet to save you?

CHARGER
Yeah..I’d do it for you...without thinking...you’re my best friend...I’d owe you my life

SOUTHSIDE
So IF you owed me your life, you’d vote for a black president someday?

CHARGER
If I owed you my life, I’d do anything to repay that debt.

SOUTHSIDE
Then you, my brother, are votin’ black.

CHARGER
What?

SOUTHSIDE
Man I stopped you bleedin’ five minutes ago. You’re gonna be fine.

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER stand up. CHARGER tests his leg, looks down and see that it isn’t bleeding.

CHARGER
Shit

SOUTHSIDE
C’mon man, let’s get you back - an evac helicopter just landed over there

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER limp offstage

SOUTHSIDE
What about a woman president?

CHARGER
No way...maybe a woman vice president if she was really hot.

SOUTHSIDE
Plays into that whole great white dream thing again doesn’t it?

CHARGER
(smiling)
Oh hell yeah.

BLACK OUT

FSW: Bailout

I've been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it - a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week - can't imagine why! And I'm posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30's, I couldn't help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard - Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I'll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week...let's see, we've had Apocalpse and Bailout....I bet he picks something like puppies :)

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn't a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression - finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes :) and Michael, who's taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard's blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

Richard also set the theme for next week's sketch war: Best Friends!
_________________________________________________________________

EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

DAISY
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

CHARLIE
Staggering view.

DAISY
C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

CHARLIE hugs DAISY

CHARLIE
You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

CHARLIE (CONT)
Wow...the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

DAISY
Now lamb chop....

CHARLIE
I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say...do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

DAISY
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

CHARLIE
There there, my darling...

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

MR. THOMPKINS
‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

CHARLIE
Sorry Mister.....

MR. THOMPKINS
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy - all my friends do.

CHARLIE
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills...

DAISY
And some big credit card debts...

CHARLIE
And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value...

DAISY
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

CHARLIE
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

DAISY
Dubuque!!!

DAISY starts crying loudly again

MR. THOMPKINS
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler...like those care free days when I was a boy.

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

MR. THOMPKINS
There...now that’s better, isn’t it?

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

MR. THOMPKINS
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

DAISY
Sorry Billy.

MR. THOMPKINS
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me...well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

DAISY
Why is that Mr. Thomp...

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

DAISY (CONT)
I mean “Billy”

MR. THOMPKINS smiles

MR. THOMPKINS
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view - it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way...

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
(singing)
When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There's a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Here, let me show you...

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now - if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

BROKER 1
Hey there....Mike Scabbers, financial genius...sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ....

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol' splat
Without his golden parachute

The music continues playing

MR. THOMPKINS
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types - the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” - like to come up here and take in the view - kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this...

(looking over the edge of the building)

Oh look - I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

BROKER 2
Dammit - I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready.....

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

MR. THOMPKINS
Ahhhhhhh...there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

CHARLIE
But Billy, isn’t that murder?

MR. THOMPKINS
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

DAISY
Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

MR. THOMPKINS
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

DAISY
Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

DAISY
(shouting)
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

CHARLIE
Hey....that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

MR. THOMPKINS
Of course they are - they’re people just like you!

DAISY
(waving at the crowd below)
You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

A cheer is heard from the street

CHARLIE
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones

DAISY
(singing)
He made stupid bets on risky debts

DAISY ANDCHARLIE
(singing)
And some fucked up subprime loans

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity

DAISY
(singing)
The greedy lout

CHARLIE
(singing)
Got a big bailout

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
For his financial depravity

CHARLIE
Hey! Let me try too!

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

CHARLIE
(shouting)
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while - a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
They’ve created a recession
But don’t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

DAISY
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street

CHARLIE
(singing)
High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete

(Key change)

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly

CHARLIE
(speak-singing)
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

DAISY
(speak-singing)
He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

MR. THOMPKINS
(speak-singing)
He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

They end with a big finish and the music stops

CHARLIE
Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

DAISY
I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

CHARLIE
Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

DAISY
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially...

CHARLIE
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

MR. THOMPKINS
That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

DAISY AND CHARLIE
Bye Billy!!!

MR. THOMPKINS
Bye bye kids!

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

GUARD 2
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

MR. THOMPKINS
Why spoil their mood.

BLACK OUT

FSW: The Apocalypse is Coming...from all sides

Alrighty everyone - it's been a lllloooonnnnggggg day. 3 hour meetings and late improv workouts do not make for early sketch publishing.

But at long last, here's my foray into apolypse-land (our theme as given by Michael last week).

So far, no sketch entry from the recently emancipated Richard, but Michael (who's probably wondering if he's playing alone this week due to my tardiness) gave us a blast from the future \ past.

I'll update as needed....which (if memory serves) will include me choosing our next theme (since I think it's rotated back to me).

UPDATED: While I was playing a mind-controlling dicator on the planet Berkeley (in an improvised Star Trek show at BATS in San Francisco) Richard played with genetics, and let me know that it is indeed my turn for theme picking.

So....our theme for next week is: Bailout

(I just pulled that out at random...no idea where it came from)

__________________________________________________________

INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A nice middle class living room with a big comfy sofa, coffee table, and a large TV - nothing fancy, just an inviting place to relax. STEPHEN enters, talking to his wife offstage

STEPHEN
Let me know if you want any help with the dishes honey...I’ll be watching “24”.

STEPHEN sits on the sofa, picks up the remote control and turns on the TV.

TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Wall Street continued it’s free fall today, losing another 300 points on news that existing housing has hit a 25 year low. The dollar dropped sharply again, and crude oil prices are expected to go up as a result.

The sound of a horse galloping comes from offstage. STEPHEN gets up and goes to the window to see what’s going on. DEATH, wearing a long black robe, with his head covered by a black hood, appears from a cloud of smoke on the opposite side of the room.

DEATH
Behold and tremble!!! For, I, Death, herald of the four horsemen, have come on my pale horse, as the seventh trumpet sounds and the seventh seal is opened. Look upon me and despair, for the day of judgement is nigh!!!

STEPHEN has to process this for several moments.

STEPHEN
Is....is that your horse on the lawn?

DEATH
Yesssssssssss. The Pale Horse of Death.

STEPHEN reacts to a sudden bad smell in the air

STEPHEN
Ummmm...is that, ummm, smell....well, not to be rude, but is that your breath?

DEATH
Yeessssssssssssss

STEPHEN
That’s..wow...that’s uhhh, pungent.

DEATH
It is the smell of souls burning in the eternal flame of repentance. Souls that will soon be joined by far more, for I am the harbinger of the coming Apocalypse.

STEPHEN
Coming...ahhh....umm, when?

DEATH
When the Lamb of God, the Son of Man, has opened the seventh seal on the scroll of the covenant.

STEPHEN
God?

DEATH
He that is the beginning and end, the alpha an omega, maker and destroyer of all things, who gave his only son to purge the sins of this world. I am his horsemen, his herald of the apocalypse.

STEPHEN
Ummmm...wow, this is awkward but, we’re not Christian.

DEATH
His wrath will be...

STEPHEN
Look, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re not Christian. I don’t think...

Another puff of smoke, and a swarthy, muscled, middle-eastern looking man with a long trumpet (literally, not a euphemism) wearing a small white toga appears - ISRAFIL. He blows a long loud blast from his trumpet, then speaks with a middle-eastern accent

ISRAFIL
The great battle approaches! True Muslims hear my call and rise up! The Dajall comes with his unholy army of Christians and nonbelievers. Allah commands me, Israfil, his angel, to blow the horn and summon true Muslims to the final battle of judgement and victory.

ISRAFIL blows his trumpet loud and long.

STEPHEN
Look, would you mind not doing that here. My neighbors live really close, and my wife hates loud noises.

ISRAFIL
I must summon good Muslims to the final battle of judgement where they will smote the Christians and non-believers before receiving their final reward.

STEPHEN
Ooookkkaayyy....look, we’re not Muslims here, so blowing your horn will only summon the cops.

DEATH
You shall hear the horns when the seventh trumpet sounds

STEPHEN
No, please..one trumpet is plenty - we don’t need seven.

ISRAFIL
(to DEATH)
Who be you? You are shrouded like a woman, but I cannot tell if you be woman or man.

DEATH
I am Death, rider of the pale horse, herald...

STEPHEN gets between DEATH and ISRAFIL, and places his hand over DEATH’S mouth

STEPHEN
(to ISRAFIL)
Don’t get him talking, please.

STEPHEN checks to see both DEATH and ISRAFIL aren’t going to do anything stupid, then starts speaking to them again.

STEPHEN
Look, ummm....guys, Angels, heralds...whatever you are, we’re not Christians or Muslims here. I appreciate the warning, really. But you should find some good Christians, aor good Muslims, people who want to prepare for this Apocalypse thing, who stand to gain something from the Apocalypse. I mean, what can I do? I lose no matter what. I’m gonna get smote or eternally burned right?

ISRAFIL
Yes

DEATH
Yesssssssssssssssssss

Both ISRAFIL and STEPHEN react to the smell of DEATH’S breath again.

STEPHEN
But neither of you is here to kill me outright, right?

ISRAFIL
No

DEATH
(breathily)
Noo..

STEPHEN cuts DEATH off and puts his hand over DEATH’s mouth

STEPHEN
Just...nod

DEATH shakes his head “no”

STEPHEN
Good, so tell people who can benefit from knowing the Apocalypse is coming, cause if I’m the one who finds out first I’m going to feel guilty....

MAGOG now appears in a cloud of smoke. He has long gray hair with the ringlet curls of a Hacidic Jew, a long gray beard, and speaks with a Yiddish accent

MAGOG
Guilt? What know you of guilt? I must attack Israel to start Armageddon, so God can destroy me. What do I know about attacking people? I should just let God win, but no, someone’s a stickler for scripture...

STEPHEN
That’s....look I’m sorry to hear that but I’m not Jewish, and I really don’t want to be the one knowing Israel is going to be attacked by some vengeful angel...

MAGOG
Angel, Ha! I wish!

ISRAFIL
Israel will fall in the final battle of judgment!

MAGOG
Listen to Mr. Macho. That’s some attitude for a trumpet-toting diaper wearer.

DEATH
All shall perishhhhhhhhhh......

Everyone reacts to DEATH’S breath

MAGOG
You know, if you ate more you wouldn’t have such a sour stomach. Skin and bones, this one....without the skin

ISRAFIL
Food shall have little meaning when the battle...

MAGOG
Violence is no solution, Mr. Too Much Testosterone

ISRAFIL
Jewish dog

MAGOG
Sticks and stones

ISRAFIL
I shall...

DEATH raises his head and exhales loud and long. STEPHEN steps in the middle of the room

STEPHEN
HEY!!! KNOCK IT OFF!!! Look you guys. Enough, okay? I’m not Christian, I’m not Jewish, I’m not Muslim - I’m an atheist all right? I believe all this Armageddon apocalypse stuff is just bullshit...stuff made up by people to keep other people in line. And even if it IS real, well, then I’m just fucked. Fucked for not being Christian Jew or Muslim, fucked for doing the right thing but not doing it in the name of some organized religion. So warning me does squat - it just scares the crap out of me waiting for you actually destroy the universe, and being helpless to stop it - so either get on with it or shut the hell up!

ISRAFIL
But we must Herald the Apocalypse for those true of faith.

DEATH and MAGOG nod in agreement

STEPHEN
Honestly, “those of true faith” are completely fucked too!!! Look, you all have some apocalypse where your followers are saved, right?
(They all agree)
Then everyone who believes something other than your faith represent gets fucked, which means NO ONE SURVIVES. Jewish apocalypse, Christians and Muslims are fucked. Christian apocalypse, Muslims and Jews are fucked. You see what I’m saying?

ODIM now appears in a cloud of smoke, with flowing golden hair, a magnificent golden beard, wearing a Viking helmet and lavish robes like something out a Wagnerian opera. He speaks with a booming voice and Swedish Accent

ODIN
The days of Ragnarok are upon us and I, Highfather Odin, have come to Midgard...

ODIN sees the others, then continues speaking in a higher pictched voice, with a slight lisp.

ODIN
Oh my God, you guys are hear too?

DEATH, MAGOG and ISRAFIL all nod. ODIN looks at Stephen, then whispers to the others.

ODIN
He doesn’t look Nordic.

DEATH, ISARFIL AND MAGOG
He isn’t!!!

Everyone looks at each other during a long quiet pause, thinking over what STEPHEN said.

ODIN
Did I come at a bad time?

STEPHEN
Look guys...I can’t tell you what to do, but why not go back to the Gods who sent you...

ODIN
I sent myself...I’m my own god

STEPHEN
Fine...Odin go think things over someplace, everyone else go back, talk to your respective gods, and tell them that an apocalypse should wait - it’s not going to help your followers or anyone else, and no one can win, okay?

ISRAFIL, DEATH, ODIN and MAGOG all sort of mumble and agree. They dejectedly walk towards STEPHEN’s front door, and exit

MAGOG
(to DEATH as they exit)
Look, I know a great deli - you want to grab a bite? Just looking at you is making me hungry.

ODIN
(to ISRAFIL as they exit)
Do you workout? I like to work out, but I can’t wear togas - too cold in Asgard and they make me look so hip-y, but it looks good on you.

STEPHEN shuts the door behind them, then goes back and sits on the couch to watch TV.

Lights flash, and smoke billows again. This time, the TERMINIATOR steps out.

TERMINATOR
I am a Cyberdyne systems model T100 terminator. I have been sent back in time to proctect you. Come with me if you want to live and stop the Judgment day that brings about my future.

STEPHEN just stares at the TERMINATOR for a moment. Then stands up.

STEPHEN
Honey, I’m going out for a bit - just gotta take care of something.

STEPHEN and the TERMINATOR exist through his front door.

BLACK OUT