FSW: Job Hunting

Welcome back to another Friday Sketch War! WOOHOOO!!

This week, Richard gave us the topic of "Job Hunting". And even though I know everyone and their brother \ sister \ cross-dressing uncle has written a Sarah Palin sketch, I just couldn't resist.

I'll update links to the other battlers as they come in....

UPDATED: Richard is doing some heavy recruiting and Michael shows us that there are great jobs out there, even for those wishing they only had a brain. And Michael gave us next weeks theme: Apocalypse. I'm guessing he's been into the financial reports again :-)
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INT. - TALK SHOW LIVING ROOM SET - DAY
Soft jazzy flute music plays and pink and green graphic comes up: “Job Hunting with Sarah Palin”. The graphic fades out to reveal SARAH sitting in a lovely living-room talk-show set, sipping a big mug of coffee.

SARAH
Welcome back to “Job Hunting ” everyone. I’m your host of course, Sarah Palin. Today we’re talking about how to get a job in a tough economy. I’m doing this because...

JOHN (O.S.)
“We” Sarah

SARAH
Thank you John....WE’RE doing this...

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you Sarah

SARAH
...because we want every American to feel confident they can get a decent job even in tough times....just in case, you know, things don’t get better any time soon. And if you have those skills, you won’t blame your government for being unemployed, so John and me...

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you

SARAH
...can work on important things like banning gay marriage, invading Iran, and blaming things on the Democrats. Now many of you are probably thinking “Sarah, what do you know getting a jobs in a tough market?” Folks, let me tell you something. In Alaska there are 15,472 men for every 3 women, and yet I got elected to two different public offices with only "Third Place Beauty Pageant contestant" and "Sports Reporter" to show for experience. Trust me, I know tough job markets.

Speaking of experience, did you know that’s the number one thing that keeps people from getting the job they really want - lack of experience? Most people will never apply for a job for which they have absolutely no experience. But I think God has qualified each and every one of us to be whatever we can apply for, and delusions of grandeur are just God’s way of saying “go get ‘em!”

So I’ve developed...

JOHN (O.S.)
WE

SARAH
WE’VE developed (thank you John) some unique but tested strategies to land that dream job whether you’re qualified or not.

First of all, let’s talk interview outfit. Pick something that’s a little conservative, then sexy it up a bit - shorten the skirt a little, leave an extra button on the blouse undone, etc. Think “sexy librarian”. The sexy gets them hot, but the conservative says “no touching”. Just let them try to think about your experience when you’re sitting down and that skirt is riding up. And if you’ve ever been in a beauty pageant, mention that in the interview...a lot. And don’t forget those glasses - a good pair of glasses both enhances and tones down the sexy - they’re just a little accessory miracle.

Obviously, that last bit of advice is only for the job-hunting women out there. It goes without saying that any man thinking about putting on a skirt is a homosexual, and deserves to burn in hell.

Now, when you show up to the interview, see if you can bring along an elderly person, preferably a war veteran, or even better an ex-prisoner of war with some sort of lingering torture injury. When you’re with someone like that, interviewers think “wow, this person must be reliable and trustworthy if a feeble old geezer like that is hanging out with them.” At the very least, interviewers will be thinking “how nice that they’re hanging out with the elderly”. So really, you really can’t lose with a senior citizen in tow.

So now let’s move on to the interview. You’re sitting there, and the interviewer is looking over your resume’.

Well, there’s your first mistake - NEVER let anyone see your resume’. If they see it, they have hard evidence that you’re unqualified. Instead just say things like “I think my resume’ speaks for itself”, and let them imagine just how great your resume’ must be.

Now, how do you handle that question we all hate:

“So, what qualifies you for this position?”

Wow....that’s A scary one, huh? But here’s a way to answer that question perfectly every time. Remember the word “ONCE” - O...N...C...E. That stands for Old job, new job, cosmetic enhancement. For example, let’s say you’ve been a garbage man and your applying to be the CEO of Sony. When the interviewer says “So what makes you think you could be the CEO of a major multinational company, just say “You know the difference between a garbage man and a Sony CEO? A good hair cut”. Trust me - it doesn’t have to make sense, just say it like it’s completely self evident, then let them figure it out. They’ll just smile and go along with you rather than admit they don’t get what it has to do with anything!

Ladies, try to use “lipstick” as your that cosmetic enhancement - that reminds them of that conservative sexy look you’ve been cultivating.

You can also claim “experience by proximity”. They say you’ve never been a CEO of a major corporation. You reply “well I live within 100 miles of dozens of CEO’s - so I’m probably over-qualified”.

If they keep pushing it, just turn the tables on them . They’ve never been a CEO or they wouldn’t be interviewing you, so they don’t have enough experience to be asking YOU about YOU CEO experience, do they? See how nicely that works?

Now, as a last resort, if they keep pushing you about experience, just accuse them of being a liberal intellectual elitist who’s completely out of touch with the American public. They may come back and argue with you about this, but you will have successfully taken all focus off your lack of experience. Mission accomplished!

Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today.

Thanks for tuning in everyone, and join me...

JOHN (O.S.)
US!

SARAH
...join US (thank you John) tomorrow when we tell you how to take out the competition by stealing their strategy and taking everything they say about you as a sexist assault. Bye bye now!

FSW: Sports Edition

Thank God its Friday Sketch War!!!

So I chose the theme for the week - and I went with something to take our minds off politics and failing financial giants....SPORTS!!!

I'll update links to the other sketches as combatants enter the arena, but here's my offering....a tribute to fans of bad NFL teams everywhere (I know your pain :).

UPDATE: Richard shows us which candidate(s) have game and Michael helped us on a new career path, which shows some serious esp, since Richard has given us "Job Hunting" for next weeks theme.

P.S. - Congrats to Richard on his upcoming release from hell...I mean 2 week countdown to departure from his current job!!! WOOHOOO!_________________________________________________________________

INT. - SPORTS BAR - DAY

Rod, Gary and Frank - 3 middle aged, balding, mustached, overweight men - sit at a table, wearing football jerseys, faces painted in team colors, wearing baseball caps for their favorite team. The table is littered with the remains of beers, hot wings, popcorn, peanuts, and several other paper-covered plastic baskets that contained foods we can only imagine. These are superfans, but now they sit, staring at an unseen television, mouths agape as if they just witnessed the most horrific accident in the history of man in close-up slow motion.

ROD
Hol-eeeeee shit.

GARY
63 to 2

ROD
Hol-eeeeeeee shit.

FRANK
How’d we even score 2?

GARY
The other team deliberately dropped the ball in their own end zone...

ROD
Holeeeeee...

GARY
...one of our guys tripped and accidentally fell on it.

ROD
shit.

FRANK
This is the worst. 4 lousy losing seasons, 3 number one draft picks, and we still get the ever-loving-crap kicked out of us on Monday Night Football.

ROD
This team sucks balls.

GARY
Big ones

FRANK
Big hairy ones

ROD
Sweaty and hairy

GARY
And dangly....big sweaty hairy dangly loser balls.

FRANK
That’s the kind of balls this team sucks.

ROD
Goddamn Ball suckers

GARY
They can’t get any worse.

ROD
Bottom feeding ballsuckers

FRANK
We said that last year.

GARY
We did?

FRANK
And the year before.

ROD
Chronic bottom feeding ball suckers

GARY
Shit.

GARY pauses a moment...they sit in silence, depressed, until an idea hits GARY

GARY (CONT)
You know what? I’m through.

FRANK
Through?

ROD
You mean with the wings?

GARY
Nah....I’m done being a fan. I will never cheer for this lousy stinkin’ team ever again.

GARY throws his baseball cap on the table and starts wiping colored makeup off his face

FRANK
You gonna switch to some other team?

GARY
Fuck that....I mean I’m done, period. End of story. No more football, ever.

ROD
Holeeeeee shit!

GARY
Think about it...what has football ever given us?

FRANK
Heartburn

ROD
Depression

FRANK
Suffering

ROD
And sorrow

GARY
Right....and what have you given to football?

FRANK
Piles of money

ROD
Every Sunday from September to February.

FRANK
Those Monday nights too.

ROD
My youth

FRANK
My waistline

ROD
My pre-spastic colon

GARY
I lost my first wife because of football.

ROD
Yeah?

GARY
And my second.

FRANK
My wife barely talks to me any more...and we ain’t had sex in two years.

ROD
Football?

FRANK
Damn straight - she wanted to have sex this time two years ago when a game was on, and I ignored her.

ROD
Shit

FRANK
So she went and dressed up like a cheerleader, then bounced around doing splits...I got pissed cause she was wearing the wrong colors and blocking the screen.

ROD
Shit

FRANK
So she leaves, comes back in, butt naked this time, bouncing around doing splits...

GARY
And...?

FRANK
You guys have seen my wife - naked was not step up. I haven’t watched a game at home since.

ROD
Shit

GARY
What about you Rod?

ROD
What about what?

FRANK
Football made any girl trouble for you?

ROD looks like a deer in the headlights

ROD
No...no issues with, um, girls, at all


GARY
Look...let’s make a pact....right here, right now, the three of us...NO MORE FOOTBALL

ROD AND FRANK
(in unison)
NO MORE FOOTBALL!!!

GARY
We’ll find other things to get exited about

FRANK
To dedicate our lives to!

ROD
To get fanatical about!

GARY
Other reasons to drink beer!

FRANK
To eat nachos!

ROD
To dress up

FRANK and GARY look at ROD for a moment, thinking about that one

GARY
We’ll talk about other things

FRANK
Watch something besides ESPN!

ROD
Read other parts of the paper!

GARY
We don’t need football to be men, do we?

ROD AND FRANK
HELL NO!!!

GARY
We’ll be the type of men who lived before football was invented!

FRANK
We’ll read books!

GARY
Watch plays

ROD
Go dancing!

FRANK
Debate issues!

GARY
Explore shit!

ROD
Go dancing!

GARY
And never, ever, EVER again will we let some stupid silly game control our emotions, wreck our self esteem

FRANK
Make us dress up like idiots

ROD
Shout like retarded cavemen

GARY
Or dictate our schedules and isolate us in dingy bars. And never again will football come between us and our children...

FRANK
Our wives...

ROD
Our parents...

GARY
A-fucking-men! From now on it’s real conversations about real shit with the people we care about....OR NOTHING!!!

GARY raises a near empty beer mug, the other follow suit

GARY
Gentlemen.....FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

ROD
(in unison)
FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

They clink glasses and chug down the last swigs of beer in their mugs. They slam the mugs down on the table in triumph. Then, as they look around at each other, they become aware of how quiet it is. Each tries a few times to think of something to say, starts to say something to the others, then thinks about it, and doesn’t say a word. All three look at each other with a growing sadness, frustration and fear.

GARY finally breaks the silence.

GARY
Uhhhh....

ROD and FRANK hang on for his next word.

GARY
Who do we play next week?

ROD
New Orleans

GARY
Oh hell yeah, we should be able to kick the shit out of them!!!

Animated excited conversation resumes

BLACK OUT

FSW: Spare Changes

If I keep this up, the west coast guy is going to get a reputation for consistently being late to post! What can I say - we San Franciscans just get lost in our gay marriages and medical marijuana :)

Speaking of such radical things, this weeks theme (provided by Michael), was "change" . I decided to play with the word change on two levels, as well as working on a more relationship \ character based slice of life scene (with a healthy does of satirical social commentary as well...t least I HOPE that's how it comes off :)

RICHARD (not Robert...sorry about that Richard....see aformementioned note about medical marijuana) gave us the kind of change we could only get through super-powers ("form of a pig...with lipstick"), and Michael helps us look at the bright side of life (feel free to whistle along, Monty Python fans).

And....since it appears I've been given the honor of picking the topic for next week...

I was very tempted to pick "lipstick on a pig" as our theme, but I'll veer away from political inspiration this round.

Instead, our theme will be (drum roll, please)........SPORTS
in honor of this being the time of year when Baseball winds down and footbal ramps up.

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. - COMMUTER TRAIN STATION - DAY

CHARLIE, a well dressed business man in a suit, stands waiting for the morning train into the city, Wall Street Journal tucked under one arm, sipping a Grande Starbuck’s coffee. A few other well heeled commuters also stand around the platform waiting for their train.

RAOUL, a ragged homeless-looking black man stumbles up onto the platform. He approaches a few of the commuters panhandling. All of them turn him down, ignore him, or just step away in disgust. Finally, RAOUL approaches CHARLIE.

RAOUL
Hey man, can you help a brother out?

CHARLIE
Sorry....I Don’t have any change.

RAOUL
Change?? I didn’t say shit about change....can’t buy shit with change now days. I asked for some help...but you wanna share some cash I’ll haul off a few dead presidents for you! Ha ha!

CHARLIE
I don’t have anything smaller than a twenty.

RAOUL holds out his hand with a smile, waiting for CHARLIE to hand it over.

CHARLIE
I’m not giving you 20 dollars.

RAOUL
Tell you what...give me that twenty, and I’ll go get change for you.

RAOUL holds out his hand and smiles again
CHARLIE just stares at RAOUL for a moment in disbelief

CHARLIE
I forgot....I don’t have any cash on me right now...I didn’t have a chance to go by an ATM last night.

RAOUL
You got NO cash on you at all???

CHARLIE
Nope

RAOUL
Rich lookin’ muthafucka like you?

CHARLIE
Zilch

RAOUL
Not even single ratty old Benjamin you keep stuffed in your shoe for emergencies?

CHARLIE
Not a single bill.

RAOUL
So how’d you pay for that coffee?

CHARLIE
Starbuck’s card.

RAOUL looks frustrated, and starts to go, then turns back.

RAOUL
Train fare?

CHARLIE
Commuter card.

RAOUL
Shit

Starts to leave again....but gets an idea for one last go

RAOUL
How you buyin’ your lunch?

CHARLIE
Debit-ATM card.

RAOUL
Goddamn plastic cards everywhere man - no wonder the planet’s fucked.

CHARLIE
Excuse me.

RAOUL
Planet-fucking asshole.

CHARLIE
You have no right to pass any judgment on me, my stinky little friend!

RAOUL
I have every damn right man! You middle class money-sluts fuck up everything you touch. I’m out here living the utopian ideal.

CHARLIE
Oh please!

RAOUL
Man, dig this - I don’t commute, so I don’t pollute. I eat what other people were going to throw away. I wear what others are done wearing.

CHARLIE
And you smell like a baboon.

RAOUL
I don’t fuckin’ shower man...I don’t waste no water!!! I live wherever I want, under whatever I find, no house made from no cut-down forest, don’t use no electricity generated from no fossil fuels, don’t use no air conditioning leaking toxic chemicals....

CHARLIE
You pay no property taxes so you do nothing to help the community. You pay no income tax, so you do nothing to help clean up the environment or get homeless people off the streets. You consume no fuel, so you create no profit for companies developing alternative energy sources...

RAOUL
Blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah. You’re just scramblin’ your ass off to fix what you fucked up. I’m not fucking nothing up to begin with, so it ain’t my job to pay for fixin’ it.

CHARLIE
Give me a break. You’re just making excuses for being a worthless drain on society.

RAOUL
And you’re living your entire life in denial, trying to buy off your guilt for messing things up.

CHARLIE
I have nothing to feel guilty about. I live a good environmentally conscientious Christians lifestyle.

RAOUL
Man, you’re a middle class white guy....every last bit of shit in the world is your fucking fault! Racism, sexism, holy wars, genocide, diabetes, heart disease, Michael Bolton, keeping “Two and a Half Men” at the top of the Nielsen ratings....ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!

CHARLIE
Look, you’re getting a little loud, let’s calm down...

RAOUL
Oh....the homeless black man is getting a little too uppity for the nice white man...overstepping his station in life...

CHARLIE
(Looking around the platform)
People are starting to stare...let’s just tone this down.

RAOUL
You can’t even look at me, can you....you look at me and all you see is guilt...guilt for sucking up money that could be distributed amongst everyone in society instead of being hoovered up by the elitist white minority to upgrade their iPhones.

CHARLIE
I haven’t upgraded, I’m waiting for them to fix the 3G issues....

RAOUL
When you look at me, you see thousands of years of oppression, of your kind screwing over people that didn’t look like you, didn’t pray like you, or just plain got a bit too uppity for you

CHARLIE
Quiet down friend...people are starting to stare.

RAOUL
Man, I ain’t you’re god damn friend! I am your goddamn stepping stool!!

CHARLIE
Look, pal...

RAOUL
I’m a man...respect me and call me by the name my mama gave me!!!

CHARLIE
You haven’t told me your name!!!

RAOUL
That’s your own goddamn fault!

CHARLIE
(noticing people staring)
Just, please...quiet down....you’re making a scene.

RAOUL
Ohhhhhh....I see how it is. Big bad money-making white dude can’t handle a helpless little homeless man. Mr. middle-class gettin’ all embarrassed that other white folks see him crumble in the face of the ugly truth.

CHARLIE
I’m....I feel no guilt...it’s my fault you’re homeless....it’s your choices that have..

RAOUL
(to the crowd)
THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE....MR. WALL STREET FUCKING-JOURNAL HERE CAN’T HANDLE ONE DOWN ON HIS LUCK BLACK MAN!!! MR. MONEY BAGS WOULD RATHER SPEND HIS WHOLE LIFE SHOVELING MONEY INTO A CORRUPT SYSTEM...A SYSTEM THAT HIDES PEOPLE IN SHELTERS!!! HE WANTS A WORLD WHERE HIS VIEW ISN’T CLUTTERED WITH POOR PEOPLE SO HE CAN DRINK HIS LATTE IN PEACE!!!

CHARLIE
Oh God....

RAOUL
HE WANTS SOME CORPORATE MEGAPOWER TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE POOR BLACK PEOPLE INTO CLEAN BURNING FUEL FOR HIS GODDAMN LEXUS!!!

CHARLIE
I never said that...I...

RAOUL
I COULD BE THE SECOND GODDAMN COMING OF JESUS-FUCKING-CHRIST, BUT AS LONG AS I’M A POOR BLACK MAN THIS RICH FUCKER HERE WOULD TURN JEW BEFORE HE GAVE ME A SINGLE DOLLAR!!!

CHARLIE
Look...I just remembered I keep some money in my briefcase...here’s a ten.

RAOUL
I ain’t takin’ that.

CHARLIE
What?

RAOUL
I ain’t takin your goddamn dirty money. I will not be pulled out of Utopia by your hush-money, Satan.

CHARLIE
But this all started with...

RAOUL
(for the benefit of other commuters)
I DO NOT WANT YOUR GOD DAMN GUILT MONEY, WHITE DEVIL!!! YOU CAN’T BUY YOUR CONSCIENCE BACK FROM ME, OPPRESSOR!!!

CHARLIE
Look....here’s a twenty....you said you’d take a twenty earlier, right?

RAOUL
(again performing)
RICH WHITE MAN BUYS CONSCIENCE FROM POOR NIGGER FOR TWENTY BUCKS...FILM AT ELEVEN!!!

CHARLIE
Oh dear God...look, here’s a hundred and fifteen dollars, and my Starbuck’s card...there’s still thirty-five dollars on it...all yours if you’ll just stop this...please!!!

RAOUL thinks it over

RAOUL
Can you get them breakfast sandwiches with that card?

CHARLIE
Yes...it’s Good for anything in the place

RAOUL
Whole bean coffee?

CHARLIE
Yes...everything

RAOUL thinks it over even more

RAOUL
Alright...I accept your guilt money, and your environment-destroying cash card to the white supremacist coffee empire, in the name of restoring peace to my Utopia.

CHARLIE
Thank you.

RAOUL
I can see you feel real regret, and have rethought your place in the world.

CHARLIE
You have no idea.

RAOUL
This doesn’t absolve you from your crimes or relieve you of your guilt.

CHARLIE
I know.

RAOUL
Alright. You’ve got a a good heart under that oppressor’s skin.

CHARLIE
Thank you. And I'm truly sorry for everything my people have ever done to yours...I'll spend the rest of my life being unbelievably aware of that, and trying to find a way to make it right.

RAOUL walks off stage. CHARLIE closes up his briefcase, relived that it’s all over.

RAOUL suddenly darts back on stage and over to CHARLIE

RAOUL
Say, you gonna be back for the morning commute tomorrow?

BLACK OUT

FSW: Putting the fun in Funeral

Ahhh Friday, and the hills are alive with the sound of sketches!

I'm a little tardy posting today - I've been off work this week, so I've been slacking on everything!

The topic this week was funerals, and I have to admit, for the first half of the week, I was really stuck - all I could picture was the famous Bill Braskey funeral sketch written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrel for Saturday Night Live a few years back. Every sketch idea I had seemed to be a variation on that. But once I was able to get past that, some nice ideas started breaking, and in the end it came down to a Bill Brasky variation, a Viking funeral sketch, or this, which is more filmic commercial parody and less character driven (which is a fancy way of saying "this is pure unadulterated silliness with lots of visual gags"). But it's definitely different from what I usually tend towards writing, and ended up being dialogue light ("show, don't tell" is something I try to work towards more and more with sketches).

Well, enough of my rambling....Michael let us sit in on a funeral WITH the deceased watching and Robert whacked a super-villain's lackey.

And here's my funeral offering for the week....next week's theme is "Change".

___________________________________________________________

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An austere but reverent viewing room. An open casket surrounded by flowers is at the front of the room and a line of mourners file by paying their respects

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s never easy to lose a loved one....

The widow stands over the casket with 2 sons flanking either side, all looking down into the casket and shaking their heads slowly. The camera moves in closer to the casket

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun!

The camera pans down into the casket to show the deceased packed in ice set with cold bottles of bear. Against the corpse’s chest is a small flat screen TV showing an NFL game, held between the deceased’s hands. Tortilla chips inset with bowls of salsa and nacho cheese ring the deceased’s head.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOUR - DAY

The place looks somber from the outside, except for the TGI Friday’s style sign and red \ white striped awnings

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
At P.T. Bucketkicker’s Funeral Parlour we create the kind of funerals that people look forward to! Want to turn those tears of loss in tears of laughter? Try our “Jack in the Casket”

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An elderly couple walks up to view the casket. A “SPROING” sound is heard and the corpse immediately sits upright in the casket. The elderly woman laughs, the elderly man clutches his chest and falls to the floor.

On the screen, a disclaimer is superimposed:
“Jack in a Casket option must be selected prior to rigor mortis”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saying goodbye makes wake attendees more aware their own days are coming to end. You can make them feel like a kid again with Wakey - our funereal clown!

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another wake, people sit in front of an open casket while others file past to pay their respects. WAKEY is also in line mocking the other mourners with exaggerated wiping of tears and other mimed gestures. WAKEY is a traditional party clown with white face, big orange hair, red nose, etc, except his jumpsuit and shoes are black and white, like a clown tuxedo, and he has crosses attached to each shoulder.

WAKEY makes a big “shush” gesture to the sitting mourners, and as standing mourner leans in over the body, WAKEY pulls out an oversized box with a big red button. When the standing mourner is looking into the casket, WAKEY pushes the button, and an arm pops up from the casket hitting the standing mourner square in the face with a pie. WAKEY mimes laughing as the pie-dripping mourner stands bakc upright. As the pie-smacked mourner turns to look at WAKEY, a powerful stream of seltzer sprays from the coffin hitting the him right in the face.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of kids, don’t you hate bringing them to funerals? P.T. Bucketkicker’s is the only funeral parlor in the tri-state area with a state-of-the-art video game arcade AND bowling alley.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another funeral wake, mourners sit respectfully as BRUCE stands before them. The sounds of bowling can be head loudly as BRUCE starts to speak

BRUCE
I’d like to thank you all for coming. I know my mother would have been touched that all of you are here for her.

The “whoo-whoo-whoo” sound of PAC-MAN hitting a ghost is heard.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Losing a spouse is especially hard. You haven’t been to a party alone in years. So why should you go to a funeral alone? P.T. Bucketkicker’s can provide you with a funereal escort so you don’t have to face this all alone.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR HALLWAY
A man holds a door open as mourners file into a viewing room. The widow walks in on the arm of a topless rippled Chippendale’s dancer, complete with black spandex pants and fake white wrist cuffs. She pauses, turns and waves behind her to an elderly man entering another view room. The elderly man is in a wheel chair, very frail looking, wearing an oxygen mask attached to a bottle on his chair. The elderly man is wheeled in by a stiletto-heeled-boot wearing, leather bustier, leather shorts and fishnet clad Pussycat Doll. The elderly man smiles, and gives a thumbs up and we hear a deep pull on that oxygen.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of spouses, you began your married life with that romantic first dance. Shouldn’t you have a last dance to say goodbye? At P.T. Bucketkicker’s, we can make that happen.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Chairs have line the sides and a big area is cleared in the middle of the view room. The lights go down except for a spotlight in the center. The widow steps into the light and “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” starts playing. The deceased is wheeled in by a well-dressed funeral director on a hand truck, upright, with arms splayed in waltz position like a mannequin. The widow steps in an arranges herself so the deceased’s arms hit in the right places, which takes some time. The funeral director puts his arms under the deceased’s to help. They finally start dancing, awkwardly, with the funeral director wheeling the deceased around, and the widow doing her best to keep up.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Don’t you hate those people at the eulogy who try to make the deceased sound like a saint just because they’re dead? Let them try that with our eulogy lie detector.

CUT TO:

INT. - CHURCH - DAY
Mourners sit in the church as CHARLIE stands up at the pulpit. He stands under a wooden frame, like an airport metal detector, with a large red and a green light at the top of the frame

CHARLIE
Dan was a giving man, a loving father, and a devoted husband

A loud BUZZ sounds, and the red light lights up. Charlie and The congregated mourners burst into laughter

CHARLIE (CONT)
Oh geez...alright...let’s face it, Dan loved his underage hookers! He lived life like a penicillin tycoon on a Bangkok shore leave!

The green light lights up as a bell sounds, everyone laughs, except the widow who looks surprised and appalled, and starts crying even harder.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Finding it hard to say that final goodbye? With the Pop-up Pit, you won’t have to!

CUT TO:

EXT. - CEMETARY - DAY
All of the mourners stand grave-side as the casket is lowered into the earth. The mourners turn to leave, weeping loudly, and the casket is launched up out of the hole and lands on the ground next to the pit.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
With so many options, you can customize your funeral to suit YOUR kind of fun!

A list of options starts scrolling up the screen:
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT NOVELY WREATHS
PARTY HUMMER-HEARSE (WITH HOT TUB)
“WHOOPEE” CASKETS
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK EMBALMING FLUID
OUR PROFESSIONAL SLAPSTICK PALLBEARING TEAM - “THE PALLIES!”
EXOTIC DANCERS FOR ALL FAITHS AND DENOMINATIONS
STAND-UP PRIESTS (FROM LAS VEGAS)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
So if you’ve got someone to bury why not bring them on down to P.T. Bucketkicker’s...where we put the FUN back in Funeral!

The camera pans over slightly so the marquee sign in front of the Funeral Parlor can be seen. On the sign:
“Lenderman viewing: Mon 3-7
Ladies Night: Weds 7-Midnight”

FADE OUT