FSW: Green Witches

Well....here's my second salvo in the fabulous Friday Sketch Wars. This time, I decided to get medieval on someone's ass! (might have something to do with the fact I'm in an Improvised Shakespeare show Friday night, and an improviosed Tarantino show Saturday night).

Anyway....our theme this week was "Gatherings" - I'll update links as soon as the other combatants report in!

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EXT. - A CLEARING IN A CREEPY FOREST - NIGHT
Lightning and thunder above, a big cauldron sits in the clearing, wolves howl, unseen critters scamper past in the dark, the sound of bat-wings flapping overhead, and only a thin shaft of moonlight reveals anything more than the black silhouettes of twisted ancient trees.

HILDA, and old scraggly woman with a crooked nose, long straggly gray hair, slightly green skin, huge hair warts om her face, gnarled hands, wearing a long tattered ratty black dress and pointy black hat, enters from out of the woods with the use of a gnarled wooden stick as a cane. She is carrying a burlap sack filled with stuff.

HILDA
The creatures of darkness stir and cry out for mischief! The skies blacken and split...the time for evil has come!

HILDA waves her hands at the cauldron and a fire bursts out under it. Steam also starts rising from whatever is in the cauldron

HILDA
Come forth my sisters and join me now! Bring forth your gifts and place them in our cauldron - let now our machinations begin!

HELGA who looks like a variation on HILDA comes out of the woods, carrying a similar sack.

HELGA
Run cold blood, and good cheer flee
When joined in mischief, we sisters three!

HARPA now enters from the woods, the third sister, with another sack

HARPA
By raven’s caw, and toadlet’s croak,
Mother night our dark deeds cloak

HILDA
To our labors bend your mind,
A poor souls fate we must unwind

All three gather around the cauldron and pull items from their sacks

HELGA
The fingers of a baby abandoned to die

HELGA dumps them in the cauldron, and a puff of steam belches out of the cauldron

HILDA
Festering meat from a possum’s thigh

HILDA dumps it in - another belch

HARPA
Nightshade planted on Hallow’s eve

Dump...belch

HELGA
The tears of a widow, shed as she grieved

Dump...belch

HILDA
Fang of an adder that struck a priest

Dump...belch

HARPA
Organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

HILDA and HELGA look at each other upon hearing this.

HARPA starts to dump it in....HILDA stops her hand with her cane-stick

HILDA
Wait....what didst thou say?

HARPA
Ummmm.....organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

HILDA
Why not regular old wormwood?

HELGA
From the east?

HARPA
This tis much better....for twas grown without pesticides or chemicals. So tis better for the environment, and healthier to eat.

HILDA
Wormwood is a poison...eating it doth kill a man in minutes.

HARPA
All the more reason to go organic....why wouldst one want more toxins in something already so lethal?

HILDA
Enough of this. I didst agree when you wanted to use only free-range newt in our potions....

HELGA
And when thou didst say the cauldron should only be lit after 7pm on hot days to reduce airborne pollutants...

HILDA
AND when thou didst say we needed to stop making the gingerbread houses we use to entrap children out of refined sugar, and use the raw brown stuff instead...

HELGA
Looks like bad stucco.

HILDA
But this is beyond all measure of reason.

HARPA
Good Hilda, we must consider said things....we doth live in the woods and useth the plants of the earth for all our work....we shouldst be the first to consider about what servers environment and the people the best.

HELGA
I miss serving people, especially to other people.

HILDA glares at HELGA, who smiles and quietly slinks back behind HILDA

HILDA
Harpa, I hat a business to run here. People doth pay us to put curses upon their enemies, to make people fall in love with them, or foretell their futures. They carest not if the person we turn into a frog for them gets cancer

HARPA
Hath they said that to you?

HELGA
Frog cancer tis so sad

HILDA
They doth not NEED to say it! People do not have other people turned into frogs because they wisheth them health and happiness!!!

HELGA
Yeah, but frog cancer tis sooooooo sad

HILDA smacks HELGA in the head

HILDA
Who’s side art thou on???

HARPA
I know it doth cost more but...

HILDA
Costs? What dost thou mean, cost? What didst thou pay for that?

HARPA
Twas just a little bit more than....

HILDA
WHAT DIDST THOU PAY FOR IT?

HARPA
Three dracmas.

HILDA fumes

HARPA (CONT)
Tis not too bad

HILDA
Regular wormwood is free!!! Thou mayst go and pick it up off the ground! It doth grow wild in the forest!

HARPA
True but who doth know what it hath been treated with, or what sort of pesticides are on it.

HILDA
Tis free!!! It could be buried in pig poop, and WE WOULD NOT CARE!!! We put it in a boiling cauldron and make potions with it! POTIONS THAT DO EVIL THINGS TO PEOPLE!!!!

HARPA
Surely thou wouldst not want a potion to taste like pig poop?

HILDA
WHY NOT? TIS AN EVIL POTION!!!! GIVEN TO SOMEONE THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOESN’T LIKE TO SOMETHING EVIL TO THEM!!! WHY SHOULDN’T IT NOT TASTE EVIL???

HELGA
Pig poop doth taste more nasty than it doth taste evil.

HILDA
THOU ART AN IDIOT!!!

Everyone pauses a moment....catching their breath. HARPA finally breaks the silence, resigned

HARPA
Fine....no more shall I bring organic ingredients for potion-making.

HILDA
Good

HARPA
I shalt stop suggesting uses for the rest of the lizard after we use it’s tongue for curses.

HILDA
Thank you

HARPA
And never more shall I bring up all the reasons we shouldst fly hemp-brooms instead of straw-brooms ever again, even though straw tis a resource intensive crop and has to be shipped in from...

HILDA
KNOCKST IT OFF!

HARPA
Sorry...old habit

HILDA
Darest not let it happen again. Now, mayst we finish this potion and go home?

HARPA isn’t happy, but recovers herself and goes back to the cauldron

HARPA
Wormwood, that may or may not be organic, brought from the east

Dump....belch

HILDA
Wing of bat that has freshly fed

HELGA
Rust from the axe that takes men’s heads....

A knight, SIR ELDRIDGE, enters carrying a torch in one hand an a sword in the other wearing chain mail, a helmet, and a tunic with a royal looking crest on it

SIR ELDRIDGE
Halt Hags! Stay where thou art, and movest not!!!

The sisters all freeze, scared of SIR ELDRIDGE

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
I am from his Majesty’s Environmental Protection Agency. We hath heard rumors of potions being illegally dumped in these woods. Dost know of such a thing?

All of the witches respond with “oh no, haven’t heard of anything like that”, “didn’t see anyone dumping”, “how rude”, “the nerve of some people”, etc.

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
His Majesty’s fish pond hath been fouled with a frog-making potion that didst smell of pig poop......

Again the witches respond over the of each other “of how awful”, “how inconsiderate”, etc.)

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
Pray tell hags, what manner of potion be this?

HILDA
Tis but a generic potion....more like a potion base

HELGA
Potion starter

Sir Eldridge sniffs it

SIR ELDRIDGE
Methinks it doth smell vaguely of pig droppings

HARPA
Oh no kind sir, you must be mistaken. For this potion doth use only organic ingredients.

Sir Eldridge considers this for a moment

SIR ELDRIDGE
Doth not organic ingredients cost a great deal more?

HARPA
Aye, they do, but we feel the result be worth the price, and we doth simply charge those buying potions slightly more.

SIR ELDRIDGE
In truth, I’d pay more for an organic potion. Sir Halston didst purchase a common frog-making potion which he gave to his enemy, the Black Knight of Leeds. Turned the Knight into a frog, AND didst give him frog cancer.

HELGA
How sad

SIR ELDRIDGE
‘Tis true. Sir Halston didst ends his days wracked with guilt. Pray thee, let me watch thee make thy organic potion.

HARPA
Thou art welcome to watch Sir knight, is he not good sisters.

HELGA and HILDA answer “oh yes”, “sure”, etc. HILDA looks annoyed at HARPA, but has no choice but to go on

HARPA
Organically farmed wormwood, brought from the east

HILDA
Eye of.....free range...newt

SIR ELDRIDGE
Dost thou keep the rest of the newt after using only it’s eye?

HELGA
Aye, we make newt bread out of it

SIR ELDRIDGE
My mother didst make the most wondrous newt bread in my youth, with walnuts and raisins!

FADE OUT.

Friday Sketch War - No Child Left Behind

After being a long-time reader (and fan) of the Friday Sketch Wars, I decided to toss my hat into the ring (aka - get my ass in gear and get something written in time to play with the other kids :) ). This weeks theme was "Back to School".

UPDATE:

Richard got us dressed for school, and Michael made sure we got to class - so go check 'em out! And....they even kind enough to invite me to toss down the theme for next week (oh, the pressure).

Sooooooooo.......in honor of the Democratic National Convention next week, let's say the theme this week is: Gatherings

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INT. HIGHSCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
Several students are milling about before class, talking to each other, flirting, the class nerd trying to be as invisible as possible....the usual classroom goings-on.

The school bell rings, the classroom door opens, and in walks the teacher, MR. PHILLIPS

MR. PHILLIPS
Everyone settle down, settle down....I know you all have a lot to talk about after spending all summer hanging out together, but it’s learning time now.

The students grumblingly sit down.

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Alright.....welcome to your senior year at William Taft highschool. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mr. Phillips, and I will be your homeroom teacher for first semester. You will meet here first thing every morning, I will go over any announcements, hand out any official paperwork, and send you on your merry way. I will also be the first person you talk to if you have any questions or problems, and I will be the person who proctors the many standardized tests now required by the state throughout the year. Are there any questions?

TIFFANY raises her hand

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Morelli.

TIFFANY
When can we buy yearbooks?

MR. PHILLIPS
Year books will be available for pre-purchase at the yearbook office after the new year.

Another hand goes up - it’s LEILA’s

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Gray?

LEILA
What about student tickets for the football games?

MR. PHILLIPS
Student tickets for Taft Golden Wombats’ football games, either for individual games or season tickets, will be available for purchase from your homeroom teacher, in this case myself. This also applies to all other varsity sports throughout the year.

A hand goes up from one of the boys in the back of the class

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes Mr., uhhhh, Clarkson is it?

CHIP
Yes sir, Chip Clarkson.

MR. PHILLIPS
What’s your question Mr. Clarkson?

CHIP
I wanted choir this fall, but it’s not on my schedule. Can I get that changed?

MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately Mr. Clarkson the entire music program has been eliminated due to budget cuts.

The students break out grumbling amongst themselves

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
We’ve also lost the drama program...

More grumbling

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
home economics....

More grumbling

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
...and Field Hockey.

Not a peep

MR. PHILLIPS
The entire national economy is in the crapper right now people, and school budgets are stretched right to the breaking point. State and federal government wants us to focus solely on reading, math and sciences, because the U.S. is behind almost every other industrialized nation in those disciplines. They want regular standardized tests to gauge progress, and our funding will be directly related to how well you kids do on those tests. Low scores on those tests will result in lower funding and more cut programs, possibly even varsity sports.

A grumble goes up from the entire class

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Which reminds me....Mr. Williams, are you here today? Tyson Williams?

TYSON, one of the cool kids, athletic, stylish, and obviously a heartbreaker, stands up. He’s wearing a athletic letterman jacket and stylish tousled blonde hair, looking like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.

TYSON
Right here, yo!

MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Williams, you’ve been the captain of the basketball team for the last two years, an all-state wrestling champion, and a star half-back for the Golden Wombats, have you not?

TYSON
You left out rock star and pimp of the nation bro!!!

The class hoots and applauds at TYSON’s brashness. Mr. Phillips looks at Tyson’s record on his desk

MR. PHILLIPS
You barely passed your last two years of algebra, and earned a combined score of less than 500 on your practice SAT’s last year, which means you didn’t even spell you name correctly on the test.

TYSON
What can I say? I’m naturally gifted! GOLDEN WOMBATS RULE!!!

While TYSON is talking, Mr. Phillips rings a little bell sitting on his desk. Two men in dark suits with dark sunglasses rush in through the door. Phillip’s points out Tyson, and the two men run over to him. They taser the boy, then pick him up and rush him out of the classroom. This all happens with the speed and precision of a military special forces operation.

TIFFANY
Oh my God Mr P! Those men just took Tyson!

MR. PHILLIPS
This is just a part of how things are going to be done at William Taft High from now on!

CHIP
What? We’re going to be tasered and kidnapped and never seen again?

MR. PHILLIPS
On the contrary - Mr. Williams is fine. Look...he’s coming back into the classroom right now.

A thin small Indian teen, SANJEET, steps into the doorway, wearing Tyson’s letter jacket, which hangs on him, and wearing a blonde wig similar to Tyson’s hair. SANJEET speaks shyly with a heavy Indian accent He tries to speak hip, but has absolutely no clue how.

MR. PHILLIPS
There you are Mr. Williams. Welcome back. Please take your seat now that you’ve returned from using the restroom.

SANJEET
Thank you Mr. P. What is up my home skillets....I am wicked refreshed now that I my lizard has been successfully drained.

Everyone stares as SANJEET takes TYSON’s seat

TIFFANY
That is NOT Tyson Mr. P.

CHIP
It’s some Indian dude!

MR. PHILLIPS
WRONG!!! This is the NEW Tyson Williams, former athletic wonder, who, thanks to an epiphany about where his low grades would lead him, has returned from Summer vacation an expert in complex mathematics and theoretical physics.

SANJEET
Quarks are my bitches!

MR. PHILLIPS
Now, if we can continue....

TIFFANY
NO!!! THIS IS SO TOTALLY WRONG!!! WHAT’S HAVE YOU DONE WITH TYSON???

MR. PHILLIPS
Ms. Morelli, your reading comprehension scores were embarrassingly low last year, weren’t they?

TIFFANY
DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT MR PHILLIPS! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TYSON!!!

MR. PHILLIPS rings a little bell sitting on his desk. TIFFANY falls to the floor as if dragged down below her desk where we cannot see her, and the electric crackle of a taser is heard. After a few seconds an Asian girl, YEI, dressed like Tiffany and wearing a wig identical to Tiffany’s hair, sits back up in Tiffany’s chair. YEI speaks with a Chinese accent, and the same awkwardness as SANJEET

YEI
Forgive please, Mr. Phillips. I drop number 2 pencil to floor. Please continue.

MR. PHILLIPS
That’s quite alright Ms. Morelli. I’m sure that someone like you, who, at your age has already completed two entire books analyzing the works of Lord Byron, which may or may not have been written in your native language, must be very attached to her number 2 pencils.

Every student except SANJEET and YEI glance nervously around, afraid to move, but trying to make sure there is no one on the floor around them.

LEILA gingerly and nervously raises her hand.

MR. PHILLIPS
Yes, Ms. Gray?

LEILA
Mr. P....I’m not saying that something just happened, in fact I’m sure absolutely nothing just happened, and I defintiely didn’t see anything just happen, and I’d swear to that on a stack of bibles even though my parents have raised me Budhist...but IF something just happened, which it didn’t, why would it have just happened?

MR. PHILLIPS
That is a well thought out question Ms. Gray. As I said before, educational funding, which includes my salary and tenure possibilities, is now being determined solely by student scores on standardized tests. A teacher may be fired, have their salary reduced, or be denied tenure simply if their students score too low on those aforementioned tests, whether or not it is the fault of the teacher, the failure of apathetic parents to properly motivate their children, or whether the children in question are simply morons. A teacher will ultimately pay the price for the failure of his or her students, even if the teacher in question was once a member of U.S. Military special forces who still has close friends in covert operations. Does that answer your question Ms. Gray?

LEILA
(scared out of her mind and almost stuttering)
Y...y...y.....yes, Mr. Phillips.

MR. PHILLIPS
I think it’s a great shame that there are so many bright ambitious students in poorer countries around the world, who would give anything for the quality education American students take for granted, and that those same foreign students are being denied that opportunity while American students take it for granted and waste it. I wish I could find a way to address that injustice, to provide those motivated hard-working foreign students with a solid education, don’t you Ms. Gray.

LEILA
(still scared out of her mind)
Y...y...y.....yes I do , Mr. Phillips.

MR. PHILLIPS
In fact, I very confident that the students in this classroom who have, shall we say, discovered a new dedication to their education, are smart and driven enough to earn merit scholarships from some of the best universities in the world. And I feel certain that the rest of you will be motivated to work harder simply by their example, won’t you class?

No one says a word. MR. PHILLIPS snaps his fingers and the two men in dark suits step inside the doorway, looking ominous.

MR. PHILLIPS
I SAID ‘WON’T WE CLASS’???

THE ENTIRE CLASS
(in unison)
YES MR. PHILLIPS

MR. PHILLIPS waves the two goons off....they Leave

MR. PHILLIPS
Any other questions before we proceed?

CHIP carefully raises his hand

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Mr. Clarkson....what is your question?

CHIP
(extremely nervous)
Mr. Phillips....sir....with all due respect....we live in the in a country where kidnapping and torture of citizens is illegal and a complete violation of our the Constitution. The United States was founded on principals that directly refute such police state tactics.

MR. PHILLIPS stares at CHIP, then slowly raises his little bell to eye level. MR PHILLIPS rings his bell again. The students on either side of CHIP slide down out of view, and tasering can be heard. Two new students of obvious foreign descent, wearing clothing and wigs that vaguely resembles that of the students they just replaced, pop up as if nothing had happened.

MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Clarkson, your test scores have been exemplary, so I will tolerate your outburst. However, students with borderline test scores will be placed in seats around you at all times. Should you feel the need to deliver a civics speech, those students will suffer to the consequences of your actions and your arrogance. Are we clear Mr. Clarkson?

CHIP
Crystal, sir. Thank you sir.

CHIP sits back down gingerly and quietly. LEILA carefully and slowly raises her hand.

MR. PHILLIPS
Another question already Ms. Gray?

MR. PHILLIPS picks up the bell and holds it for LEILA to see, but doesn’t ring it.

LEILA
Sir...ummmm...won’t the parents of the students who have, umm, altered their appearance slightly here today, notice that they look different?

MR. PHILLIPS
You’re teenagers Ms. Gray - your parents never see you anyway.

PRINCIPAL WATERS stands in the doorway and knocks on the frame

MR. PHILLIPS
Ah, Principal Waters, please come on in. We were just discussing the standardized test process for this year.

PRINCIPAL WATERS
That’s exactly what I came by to discuss. As I understand it, you had several students in your classes last year who scored lower than desired on their state-mandated tests, is that correct.

MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately it is Principal Waters. However, we were just discussing how everyone in this room has re-dedicated themselves to good study habits and....

The taser noise is heard again, and MR. PHILLIPS collapses to the floor disappearing behind his desk. A middle eastern man, GABRIEL, stands up wearing the same sweater as MR. PHILLIPS

PRINCIPAL WATERS
By the way kids, Mr. Phillips spent the summer in an Israeali kibbutz, where he picked up a slight accent, but earned two PHd’s in 18th century English literature and quantum physics. He also got a quite a tan, but we all agree he bears absolutely no resemblance to any Mossad agent who might be hiding out int the United States, don’t we??

PRINCIPAL WATERS grabs the bell and holds it up threateningly for all to see

THE ENTIRE CLASS
Yes Principal Waters!

PRINCIPAL WATERS
Excellent, children! Have a wonderful school year Mr. Phillips!

GABRIEL
Go Wombats!


Fade out