March 11, 2008
BOSTON – In 1995 the state of Connecticut was rocked when it was revealed then-Governor John Rowland had accepted free home improvements from state contractors. In 2004, the state of New Jersey was rocked when then-Governor Jim McGreevey revealed he was gay and having an affair with a male aid. Now New York state is being rocked by the news that Governor Eliot Spitzer paid handsomely for the services of high-priced prostitutes. Three Northeastern states, three democratic governors, three headline-grabbing scandals. Americans shake their heads and ask one burning question:
What the fuck is your problem, Massachusetts?
“It’s embarrassing” says current Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, “American history is littered with scandals from Massachusetts, many involving sex. Somewhere along the way we’ve lost our edge.”
Even a 2004 measure making Massachusetts the first state in the union to allow same sex marriages has paled in comparison to other scandals. “Gays can get married…big whoop” says “Big” Walter Latham of Marlborough MA, “…the Governor of Jersey was bangin’ some guy who was workin’ for him while he was married to some hot lookin’ chick. Now that’s the way you cause controversy! I bet that Jersey Gov was even wearing buttless chaps to staff meetings just to make SURE he got noticed – there’s a guy who knows how to get headlines!”
“After a slew of scandal-free democratic governors, we elected a republican governor who was also a Mormon” says 74 year old Rose Turtlebaum of Waltham, MA, referring to former governor and former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “…with so much conservative pressure you’d think that guy was bound to blow a gasket. But that do-gooding jackass didn’t sleep around and only had one wife. What a waste of a perfectly good Mormon!”
Famous patriots such as Samuel Adams, John Hancock, Paul Revere and Benjamin Franklin have all been noted for their controversial sides. In the 20th century the Kennedy’s have provided a plethora of controversy for Massachusetts and kept the state a pubic-hair away from titillating headlines for over 50 years.
“We’re just so fucking boring nowadays” mourns Simon Balder of Concord, “ our last controversy was when the New England Patriots spied on another football team…. on the field, not even, like, with web-cams in their locker-room showers or nothin’!”
“In the colonial days people dressed up like Indians and threw shit off boats” says Neil Scheff of Sudbury, MA, “...but try that now and people just think you’re just a good history student. Maybe the Governor should dress up like an Indian and throw a hooker off a boat – call it the Boston Tit-Party.”
“I promise the good people of Massachusetts that we are doing everything in our power to create a headline grabbing scandal within the next 4 years” says Governor Patrick. “We will be able to embarrass this administration or die trying!”
The Governor’s office has set-up scandal think-tanks in cooperation with Harvard University and Boston College, and provided substantial financial incentives to fraternities in those respective schools for their assistance. Plans for a multimedia scandal research lab at MIT were abandoned when MIT students asked the governor’s office to define sex.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
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