The Robertson Report

FSW: We Three Kings...

2008-12-05T15:38:00.000-08:00

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I'm just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline :)

Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.

I figured I'd jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.

Richard took us to school about Harry Truman - no word from Peter yet. I'll update when others report in for battle.

But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. DESERT MUD HUT - NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

BALTHASAR
Oh yeah - that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.

CASPAR
Wow....just.....wow.

MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside...we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.

BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

CASPAR
Oh come on man...if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm...3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future...not bad. Nice...heart-warming.

MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love...sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby...they’re very germy.

CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts...

MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing...a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething...write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

BALTHASAR
Oh....I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

MELCHIOR
You bastard.

CASPAR
Oh man...you just don’t get it.

BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings....the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins...and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

CASPAR
That’s not the point man....we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane...thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff....stuff From the heart.

BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it - you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

CASPAR
Oh man...you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider...give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold - please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to...and can afford to give.

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

BALTHASAR
What’s that?

CASPAR
Oh man...it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!

BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.

MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

CASPAR
Probably not.

MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold....I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious...they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”

MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.

CASPAR
Forever.

MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?

BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!

CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut....want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

FADE TO BLACK.

FSW: Oprah Edition

2008-11-28T22:42:00.000-08:00

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire...

It's Friday Sketch War....and if you're going to come to a war, it's nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here's my foray into the world of Oprah...and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who's handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now.......heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee'sssssssss OPRAH!
___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE - DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

HENRY
...and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much - you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend...I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright.....Oprah. Oh heck - I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites - I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me...can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute...there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist - do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right...I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 - you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past - that’s amazing! How can that be...

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 - millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved....everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will...

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 - the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous source coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible...no one knows about that lab...how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me...I think you need....

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
...a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait....you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present - a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine - reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on....
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this....how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack - this is Big O...access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols...we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

2008-11-21T14:28:00.001-08:00

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!

This weeks theme was:

horrible family holidays

It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard's blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.

I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.

And...if you'd like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.

Meanwhile, in the early 1600's......

___________________________________________________________________

INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE - DAY
We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

MILES
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

MILES
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

MILES (CONT)
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg...the Moonwolves are here!

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Coming.

MILES
Come on in...make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)
Hey Tobias, Dorothy...play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

CHILDREN
(from off)
Awwwwwww

MILES
(closes the door)
Wow....it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

MASSOTIHAN
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

MILES
Hey....we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

POWANIQUA
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

MASSOTIHAN
I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

MILES
(to POWANIQUA)
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

POWANIQUA
Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

MILES
Nice furs...can I take those for you?

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

MASSOTIHAN
I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name - if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name...so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

MILES
Mmmmm...smells good. Corn?

POWANIQUA
Maize.

MILES
Oh right...sorry....forgot.

MASSOTIHAN
There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

MILES
That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

PRISCILLA
(to MILES)
I’ve been cooking all week too...don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

MILES
Hey honey...you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

PRISCILLA
Oh yeah...you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

MASSOTIHAN
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

PRISCILLA
Oh I bet it does...you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN
I play a lot of lacrosse.

PRISCILLA
So you’re good with a long stick huh?

MILES
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
And this is his wife Powaniqua - ‘Pow’ for short.

PRISCILLA
Well aren’t you a cute young thing...Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

MILES
Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

PRISCILLA
“Pow Wow”...get it? God that’s funny.

MILES
(to PRISCILLA)
I think you’ve had enough ale, turtledove.

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

PRISCILLA
Just try it.

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

MASSOTIHAN
Something smells good. Wild turkey?

MILES
Oh yeah....big bastard too. Shot it myself...just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

PRISCILLA
(to herself)
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

MILES
What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

MASSOTIHAN
My father-in-law is running for chief again.

POWANIQUA
It’d be Daddy’s third term.

MILES
Nice.

MASSOTIHAN
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

MILES
I’m with you there....I’m more a man of action myself.

PRISCILLA
Action my ass.

MILES
The church...that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

PRISCILLA
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

MILES
They never proved she was a witch.

PRISCILLA
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

MILES
It was a stream...it was six inches deep!

PRISCILLA
Pussy.

POWANIQUA
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man...

PRISCILLA
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

POWANIQUA
I was just saying...

PRISCILLA
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

POWANIQUA
Well...I never....I.....

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

MASSOTIHAN
Honey, wait....

MASSOTIHAN runs after her

PRISCILLA
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

MILES
Priscilla!

PRISCILLA
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
Once you go white, you never go back!!!

MILES
PRISCILLA!!!

PRISCILLA
I'll give you something to be thankful for...lets' lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo

MILES
Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!

PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

MILES (CONT)
Every time...EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

PRISCILLA
I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays...I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard....

MILES
I know honey.

PRISCILLA
And we haven’t been...fruitful...in so long.

MILES
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

PRISCILLA
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

MILES hugs her.

MILES
Look....why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

PRISCILLA
Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

MILES
(to the kids outside)
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

MILES
It’s just an expression.

MASSOTIHAN
Sure....no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

MILES
Okay...sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

MASSOTIHAN nods

MILES (CONT)
How’s Pow?

MASSOTIHAN
She’s pissed but she'll be fine...she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

MILES
Good...Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

MILES
I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. Trust me - we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

MILES
Does it ever get better?

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year...”maybe this year will be different”....”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

MILES
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

MASSOTIHAN
Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother....know what I mean?

MILES
Harvest?

MASSOTIHAN
Hell yeah....had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

MILES
Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

MASSOTIHAN and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

MILES (CONT)
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive....

FADE OUT.

FSW: Autumn Edition

2008-11-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!

Richard gave us "Autumn" as our theme for the week - and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to "raging against the dying of the light". Richard gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage. No word from other combtants yet.

Theme duties will probably fall to me...unless you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).

________________________________________________________________

INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM - DAY
JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80’s. A walker is also nearby.

JESSSIE
(showing WILBUR a photo)
And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.

WILBUR
You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He’s 3 now?

JESSSIE
Three and a half...and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.

WILBUR
He’s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I...

2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.

JESSSIE
(pulling out another photo)
Oh...and here he is pulling the goat’s tail.

WILBUR starts to get up

WILBUR
Listen honey, you need to go....now.

JESSSIE
I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
I know, I’m sorry...I’ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you’ve got to go.

JESSSIE
Is something wrong Grandpa?

WILBUR
Shut up and leave...now...please!!!

JESSSIE
Oh...okay. I’ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
Fine...whatever...

JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.

LES
Going somewhere, missy??

LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.

FANNY
No hurry, child....sit a spell....

FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.

ED
Well, well, well....looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.

ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.

WILBUR
That’s my granddaughter E-Dog. She’s just leaving.

ED
Nonsense...pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.

JESSSIE
I think I really should be going.

ED pulls out an automatic handgun.

ED
Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?

JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.

ED
There now, isn’t that better.

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.

ED
Here that posse....Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain’t that convenient.

FANNY
Sounds like he’s fibbing to me E-Dog.

JESSSIE
Exuse me, but who are you people.

LES
Watch your tone, missy. You don’t know who you’re messing with.

ED
We’re the E-Wing Incontinentals.

FANNY
The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.

LES
Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.

ED
We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.

JESSSIE
Look if it’s money you want...

ED
What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can’t buy nothin’, cause there ain’t no place to buy nothin’.

LES
We need something better than money...something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.

FANNY
Butterscotches.

ED
Butterscotch is the really currency in hear...you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers....butterscotch is gold baby.

LES
Word

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to get some...my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that’s all.

ED
You got a visitor right there Wilbur....you couldn’t phone and have her bring some?

FANNY
Like a big bag...Walgreen’s has them on sale.

LES
$3.99 for 3.

ED
Yeah Wilbur...how come you didn’t ask her to bring some?

JESSSIE
He’s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.

LES
Sugar free tastes like shit.

FANNY
Gives me the toots.

JESSSIE
Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.

LES
Watch yourself missy!

FANNY
Respect your elders, girly girl!

JESSSIE
How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.

ED
So what. We ain’t got no future in here.

LES
Damn straihgt E-dog.

ED
We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast...

FANNY
As fast as you can without hurting yourself

ED
Die young.

LES
Younger

ED
Leave a beautiful corpse

FANNY
Leave A corpse.

JESSSIE
Now wait...you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you’d have the best care possible...

ED
Bullshit....the whole world has dissed us. Once you’re our age, you don’t got respect, and you don’t got a future....so you gots to live in the now...

FANNY
And in the butterscotch....

ED
Cause there may be no tomorrow.

LES
Word

ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.

ED
And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain’t nobody respectin’ elders.

FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor

FANNY
For my homey John McCain.

LES
For Christ's sake Fanny, he's still alive

ED
But I’m gettin your respect right now, ain’t I?

FANNY
Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!

LES
Werther’s....make Her get Werthers.

ED
The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood...if you want to live I think you best be steppin’ down to Walgreen’s.

LES
Word

JESSSIE
I’m not doing anything for you - elder or not. You’re just a rude bitter old man.

ED
I’m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!

JESSSIE
Oh yeah? Well how about using it!

JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout “get her Ed, pop a cap” etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim....Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.

DERREK
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?

LES
(forced whisper to FANNY)
Shit! Five-o!

DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.

DERREK
I thought I took that away from you.

JESSSIE
That was gutsy...he could have shot you.

DERREK
He can’t load any bullets...arthritis. But that doesn’t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?

ED
Call me E-Dog.

FANNY
The man...always smacking us down.

DERREK
Look...it’s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don’t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?

JESSSIE
Thank you.

DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.

ED
(to JESSIE)
He may have taken my piece, but we ain't lettin you and your grandpa leave ‘til we get us a butterscotch deal.

ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.

JESSSIE
C’mon Grandpa - let’s get out of here!

WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.

FANNY
Awwwww...look how cute!

LES
He sure loves that goat.

ED
Oh look...he’s even holding his toy gun properly!

ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.

ED
Look at this - he’s got pudding all over his face!

FANNY
So cute.

LES
Word

BLACK OUT

FSW: Reconciliation

2008-11-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

What a week! California especially has been weird - Obama wins a historic predential election (thankfully!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO), California's live stock gets breathing room, and California's gay marriage rights get revoked....go figure. The good news is it ain't over til the fat lady sings, and the fat ladies life-partner sings harmony.

There's lots of reconcilition to be done out there - as historic as Obama's election is, how the 47.6 percent of US citizens handle it (the ones that like invading countries and buying guns) may be a story unfolding for many years. I'm a happy guy cause my favorite candidate won...that'll hold me for now.

Speaking of....reconciliation was our theme for the week. I decided to get a little silly (after hearing an interview with Matt Parker and Trey Stone - creators of South Park - where they said the thing that initially brought them together was a mutual fanatacism for Monty Python). So here's a very rough stab at a Python sketch inspired by "reconciliation".

No word from Michael or David yet, but Richard has taken us out of this world for his volley.

___________________________________________________________________

INT. FIFTIES-STYLE CONFERENCE ROOM

The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.

BIG CPA
Alright boys, this is it - the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink - report your progress.

RED INK
Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago - a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward - it would take an average person years to find the errors.

BIG CPA
Very nice...Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?

NICKEL
Ohhhhhh....Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.

DIME
We keep changing what expenses are allowed....

NICKEL
And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives

DIME
When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them...

NICKEL
But we don’t say which they are...so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.

DIME
Which they never will!!!!

NICKEL AND DIME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

BIG CPA
Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?

DOUBLE LEDGER
I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!

BIG CPA
Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words - like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” - just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.

NICKEL
Nice one...

DIME
Boss!

BIG CPA
In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here...so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!

RED INK
At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!

BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.

BIG CPA
Gentlemen.....I give you the Axis...
(He pulls the handle twice....ca-chink, ca-chink)
Of Accountants!!!!

ALL
THE AXIS...
(ca-chink, ca-chink)
OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!

THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.

DOUBLE LEDGER
Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!

The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.

THE RECONCILER
That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!

BIG CPA
Nickel, Dime...get him!

NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.

RED INK jumps into the fray.

RED INK
Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up....
(pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
...in the red!!!!

THE RECONCILER
Do your worst, Red Ink!

RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.

RED INK
It.....it can’t be!!!

THE RECONCILER
My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!

RED INK
No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.

BIG CPA
Double Ledger - hit him with your books!!!

DOUBLE LEDGER
I’m an accountant....I’ve never been the physical type.

DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.

THE RECONCILER
It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.

BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table

BIG CPA
Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!

THE RECONCILER
How....how did you get that?

BIG CPA
Let’s see....looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.

THE RECONCILER
That’s completely legal - I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.

BIG CPA
Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car - the Add-illac?

THE RECONCILER
It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.

BIG CPA
Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too...that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!

THE RECONCILE
Interesting....you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?

BIG CPA
Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!

THE RECONCILER
That’s what I thought...and that means you’re no longer a CPA!

BIG CPA
Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!

THE RECONCILER
The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification...you’re powerless!

The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.

THE RECONCILER
Take them away boys...and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.

MARTIN
Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?

THE RECONCILER
You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!

THE RECONCILER starts to head out.

MARTIN
Uhhh...Reconciler?

THE RECONCILER
Yes Martin?

MARTIN
My books still need cleaning up....you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?

THE RECONCILER
No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too...

MARTIN
Did you have plans over the weekend?

THE RECONCILER
Well, no...Wonder Woman is having this party though...

MARTIN
Did she invite you?

THE RECONCILER
Ummm....no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think....

MARTIN
Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.

THE RECONCILER
Ummmm....sure Martin. Whatever you say.

MARTIN
You’re a life save Reconciler!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Trick or Treat edition

2008-10-31T12:33:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Let's drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It's sugar free, but I won't gurantee it's razor-blade free. This week's theme was "Trick or Treat" - and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I'm sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well - so fire away).

No word from Michael, David or Richard yet....but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT
The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside - music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes - a ghost, a witch and a devil - run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

KIDS
Trick or treat!!!

THOM
Awwww...look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

All the kids do

THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

KIDS
Thank you!!!

The kids run off to the next house

THOM
You’re very welcome - Happy Halloween!!!

KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!

THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group - IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends - ZEKE and FLOYD - wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

THOM
Oh...hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be...

IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again...more chanting ensues

IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

THOM
Stop that would you?

IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

THOM
Man that burns...what’s in that thing?

IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

THOM
What the heck are you doing?

IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

IRENE
No...not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work...to purge our neighborhood of evil.

THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

IRENE
Look...a cauldron. A tool of the witch....yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

More chanting and holy water

THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

THOM
No...stop...look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer....oh, you’re religious so, we have...

ZEKE
Any vodka?

THOM
Grey Goose.

FLOYD
Elitist

THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on....it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one - the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground ...silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

THOM
Guys, no torches in the house.

FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

IRENE starts sprinkling the house

IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU - FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and...

IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

PAT
Nice robes.

IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

PAT
Thom’s not evil....just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

IRENE
Love to!

IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

PAT
Nice

LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

THOM
Coming!!!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Mad Scientist edition

2008-10-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to.....FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin' mind!!!).

It's been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I'll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

Richard's also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment on Richard's sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court....therefore our theme for this week is:

Trick OR Treat
(yup....an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both....have at it gents!)
__________________________________________________________

INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(with a German accent)
IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I...

JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

JANET
Dr. Heiglschwein - Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

MRS. DAVIDSON
No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ahhhhhhhh....My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sorry Mrs. Davidson...just reminiscing.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me - it’s been a nightmare.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Red tape....always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

MRS. DAVIDSON
It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
I see...and how long has he been dead?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in...god damn HMO’s.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Is he here today?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Yes, he’s in the lobby.

The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(into intercom)
Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

JANET
(over intercom)
Right away doctor.

The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
(to Mr. Davidson)
NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ummmmm...., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him...

MRS. DAVIDSON
STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike - let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days - bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements - none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

MRS. DAVIDSON
For instance?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice...

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh geez...those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
...and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment....

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
How attached are you to.....his brain?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Not very....Walter was never a great thinker.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain....and signed this waver.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(picking up the pen)
Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh knock it off Walter.

WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
He lives!!!

MRS. DAVIDSON
I see that.
(pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
What’s going on with that?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Oh....a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

MRS. DAVIDSON
It will eventually go away, right?

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Oh you are good.
(to WALTER)
Walter, we’re going home, right now - get in the car

WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

MRS. DAVIDSON
(back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
(to WALTER)
Walter that’s a hydrangea - stop that!!!
(smiling, to the DOCTOR)
He was never this frisky before!
(Back to WALTER as she exits)
I’m coming Walter...let’s go home.

FADE TO BLACK

FSW: Best Friends Edition

2008-10-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

Stop, hey what's that sound? Everybody look what's goin down....it's the FRIDAY SKETCH WAR - BEST FRIENDS EDITION!!! And this week, I took "war" a little too literally.

Richard gave our theme last week - not sure who theme duties fall to this week since Michael's status is up in the air, but Dave rejoined the battle week!

I'll post updated links as combatants report to the arena.

UPDATED: Michael snuck in when I wasn't looking (well before I posted actually), and gave us a tale of banks, dildos, and prarie dogs (welcome back to the blogospehere Michael - even if is just a Friday drive-by). He also provided next week's theme: Mad Scientist. More updates as others report in.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. VIETNAM JUNGLE 1968 - NIGHT
Explosions and sound of automatic gunfire can be heard from every side - we’re in the middle of a nighttime jungle firefight. People are screaming and voices can be heard barking orders in military jargon, planes streak past overhead.

SOUTHSIDE, an African-American US soldier in his early 20’s enters, supporting CHARGER, a burly square jawed white soldier also in his early 20’s who appears to be wounded. Both wear jungle camo fatigues. SOUTHSIDE sets CHARGER down on the ground and pulls off his backpack. CHARGER grunts and grabs his leg in pain as SOUTHSIDE starts pulling medical supplies out of his pack and treating CHARGER.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man, we’re gonna to get you outta here. You’re gonna make it.

CHARGER
It’s bad man....I know it’s bad. You don’t have to lie to me.

SOUTHSIDE
Stay with me Charger....do not give up!

CHARGER
I always knew I’d buy it in ‘Nam, Southside...that I’d end up dying for my country. But...I....

SOUTHSIDE
You got something to say, now’s the time.

CHARGER
There’s a hundred ways to buy it in the Nam, Southside. But I’m glad I get to go with you by my side. You’ve been the best buddy a guy could ever have...always there for me no matter what.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man...hang on....we gonna get you home, I promise you.

CHARGER
No man, I ain’t gettin’ out of this jungle alive, but you are...and you gotta live for me...gotta do the livin’ for both of us from now on, you understand?

SOUTHSIDE
Yeah, I hear you....what you want me to do for you brother?

CHARGER
Make America mean something again....make it a shining beacon of truth and justice in the world
SOUTHSIDE
I will, man, I promise I will

CHARGER
Fight for clean air...

SOUTHSIDE
Until my dying day

CHARGER
And for pure water...

SOUTHSIDE
With every ounce of my strength...

CHARGER
And fight to make sure no black man ever becomes president.

SOUTHSIDE
Excuse me?

CHARGER
You gotta make that happen for me since I can’t!

SOUTHSIDE
Did you just tell me....ME...a black man, your best friend in Vietnam....the dude tryin to save your life, to make sure a black man never becomes president???

CHARGER
Oh thank God, you understand.

SOUTHSIDE
What the fuck Man?You can NOT be that much of a redneck. We been best friends the entire time been in country, and the whole time we were in bootcamp before that. My redneck detector would have gone apeshit a long time ago if you were bullshittin this whole time..

CHARGER
Power and money is all us white guys have left.

SOUTHSIDE
Ain’t that enough?

CHARGER
No man...Black musicians are cooler than whites, black athletes are better than white atletes, black men have bigger...

SOUTHSIDE
That’s a myth.

CHARGER
Remember the barracks showers at Fort Bragg?

SOUTHSIDE
(smiling)
Okay, you got me. But look...we may be great athletes, but it’s rich white guys that own the teams.

CHARGER
Just when we’re old - it’s the only way white guys get laid after 55.

SOUTHSIDE
Good point.

CHARGER
Look man...white guys are losing all the cool stuff. Being president is the last great dream white kids can have without fear of competition.

SOUTHSIDE
So I should never let a black man be president.

CHARGER
Never

SOUTHSIDE
Not even if the whole country is going to shit and the black man in question was like super-smart and had all kinds of great ideas on how to fix things?

CHARGER
Every dumb white person in the US would move to Canada if a smart black man had to bail their asses out.

SOUTHSIDE
Might not be so bad.

CHARGER
You want a war with Canada?

SOUTHSIDE
Charger, man, I love you like a brother, but you ask too much

CHARGER
It’s my dying wish man...you gotta do this for me

SOUTHSIDE
What if our positions were reversed....what if I were dying and told you you’d HAVE to vote for a black president someday if the right guy came along?

CHARGER
I.....I don’t know....

SOUTHSIDE
What if I was dyin’ cause I took a bullet to save you?

CHARGER
Yeah..I’d do it for you...without thinking...you’re my best friend...I’d owe you my life

SOUTHSIDE
So IF you owed me your life, you’d vote for a black president someday?

CHARGER
If I owed you my life, I’d do anything to repay that debt.

SOUTHSIDE
Then you, my brother, are votin’ black.

CHARGER
What?

SOUTHSIDE
Man I stopped you bleedin’ five minutes ago. You’re gonna be fine.

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER stand up. CHARGER tests his leg, looks down and see that it isn’t bleeding.

CHARGER
Shit

SOUTHSIDE
C’mon man, let’s get you back - an evac helicopter just landed over there

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER limp offstage

SOUTHSIDE
What about a woman president?

CHARGER
No way...maybe a woman vice president if she was really hot.

SOUTHSIDE
Plays into that whole great white dream thing again doesn’t it?

CHARGER
(smiling)
Oh hell yeah.

BLACK OUT

FSW: Bailout

2008-10-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

I've been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it - a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week - can't imagine why! And I'm posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30's, I couldn't help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard - Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I'll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week...let's see, we've had Apocalpse and Bailout....I bet he picks something like puppies :)

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn't a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression - finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes :) and Michael, who's taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard's blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

Richard also set the theme for next week's sketch war: Best Friends!
_________________________________________________________________

EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK - DAY
A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

DAISY
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

CHARLIE
Staggering view.

DAISY
C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

CHARLIE hugs DAISY

CHARLIE
You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

CHARLIE (CONT)
Wow...the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

DAISY
Now lamb chop....

CHARLIE
I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say...do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

DAISY
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

CHARLIE
There there, my darling...

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

MR. THOMPKINS
‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

CHARLIE
Sorry Mister.....

MR. THOMPKINS
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy - all my friends do.

CHARLIE
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills...

DAISY
And some big credit card debts...

CHARLIE
And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value...

DAISY
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

CHARLIE
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

DAISY
Dubuque!!!

DAISY starts crying loudly again

MR. THOMPKINS
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler...like those care free days when I was a boy.

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

MR. THOMPKINS
There...now that’s better, isn’t it?

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

MR. THOMPKINS
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

DAISY
Sorry Billy.

MR. THOMPKINS
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me...well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

DAISY
Why is that Mr. Thomp...

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

DAISY (CONT)
I mean “Billy”

MR. THOMPKINS smiles

MR. THOMPKINS
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view - it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way...

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
(singing)
When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There's a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Here, let me show you...

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now - if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

BROKER 1
Hey there....Mike Scabbers, financial genius...sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ....

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol' splat
Without his golden parachute

The music continues playing

MR. THOMPKINS
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types - the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” - like to come up here and take in the view - kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this...

(looking over the edge of the building)

Oh look - I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

BROKER 2
Dammit - I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready.....

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

MR. THOMPKINS
Ahhhhhhh...there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

CHARLIE
But Billy, isn’t that murder?

MR. THOMPKINS
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

DAISY
Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

MR. THOMPKINS
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

DAISY
Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

DAISY
(shouting)
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

CHARLIE
Hey....that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

MR. THOMPKINS
Of course they are - they’re people just like you!

DAISY
(waving at the crowd below)
You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

A cheer is heard from the street

CHARLIE
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones

DAISY
(singing)
He made stupid bets on risky debts

DAISY ANDCHARLIE
(singing)
And some fucked up subprime loans

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity

DAISY
(singing)
The greedy lout

CHARLIE
(singing)
Got a big bailout

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
For his financial depravity

CHARLIE
Hey! Let me try too!

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

CHARLIE
(shouting)
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while - a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
They’ve created a recession
But don’t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

DAISY
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street

CHARLIE
(singing)
High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete

(Key change)

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly

CHARLIE
(speak-singing)
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

DAISY
(speak-singing)
He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

MR. THOMPKINS
(speak-singing)
He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

They end with a big finish and the music stops

CHARLIE
Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

DAISY
I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

CHARLIE
Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

DAISY
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially...

CHARLIE
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

MR. THOMPKINS
That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

DAISY AND CHARLIE
Bye Billy!!!

MR. THOMPKINS
Bye bye kids!

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

GUARD 2
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

MR. THOMPKINS
Why spoil their mood.

BLACK OUT

FSW: The Apocalypse is Coming...from all sides

2008-10-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Alrighty everyone - it's been a lllloooonnnnggggg day. 3 hour meetings and late improv workouts do not make for early sketch publishing.

But at long last, here's my foray into apolypse-land (our theme as given by Michael last week).

So far, no sketch entry from the recently emancipated Richard, but Michael (who's probably wondering if he's playing alone this week due to my tardiness) gave us a blast from the future \ past.

I'll update as needed....which (if memory serves) will include me choosing our next theme (since I think it's rotated back to me).

UPDATED: While I was playing a mind-controlling dicator on the planet Berkeley (in an improvised Star Trek show at BATS in San Francisco) Richard played with genetics, and let me know that it is indeed my turn for theme picking.

So....our theme for next week is: Bailout

(I just pulled that out at random...no idea where it came from)

__________________________________________________________

INT. - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A nice middle class living room with a big comfy sofa, coffee table, and a large TV - nothing fancy, just an inviting place to relax. STEPHEN enters, talking to his wife offstage

STEPHEN
Let me know if you want any help with the dishes honey...I’ll be watching “24”.

STEPHEN sits on the sofa, picks up the remote control and turns on the TV.

TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Wall Street continued it’s free fall today, losing another 300 points on news that existing housing has hit a 25 year low. The dollar dropped sharply again, and crude oil prices are expected to go up as a result.

The sound of a horse galloping comes from offstage. STEPHEN gets up and goes to the window to see what’s going on. DEATH, wearing a long black robe, with his head covered by a black hood, appears from a cloud of smoke on the opposite side of the room.

DEATH
Behold and tremble!!! For, I, Death, herald of the four horsemen, have come on my pale horse, as the seventh trumpet sounds and the seventh seal is opened. Look upon me and despair, for the day of judgement is nigh!!!

STEPHEN has to process this for several moments.

STEPHEN
Is....is that your horse on the lawn?

DEATH
Yesssssssssss. The Pale Horse of Death.

STEPHEN reacts to a sudden bad smell in the air

STEPHEN
Ummmm...is that, ummm, smell....well, not to be rude, but is that your breath?

DEATH
Yeessssssssssssss

STEPHEN
That’s..wow...that’s uhhh, pungent.

DEATH
It is the smell of souls burning in the eternal flame of repentance. Souls that will soon be joined by far more, for I am the harbinger of the coming Apocalypse.

STEPHEN
Coming...ahhh....umm, when?

DEATH
When the Lamb of God, the Son of Man, has opened the seventh seal on the scroll of the covenant.

STEPHEN
God?

DEATH
He that is the beginning and end, the alpha an omega, maker and destroyer of all things, who gave his only son to purge the sins of this world. I am his horsemen, his herald of the apocalypse.

STEPHEN
Ummmm...wow, this is awkward but, we’re not Christian.

DEATH
His wrath will be...

STEPHEN
Look, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re not Christian. I don’t think...

Another puff of smoke, and a swarthy, muscled, middle-eastern looking man with a long trumpet (literally, not a euphemism) wearing a small white toga appears - ISRAFIL. He blows a long loud blast from his trumpet, then speaks with a middle-eastern accent

ISRAFIL
The great battle approaches! True Muslims hear my call and rise up! The Dajall comes with his unholy army of Christians and nonbelievers. Allah commands me, Israfil, his angel, to blow the horn and summon true Muslims to the final battle of judgement and victory.

ISRAFIL blows his trumpet loud and long.

STEPHEN
Look, would you mind not doing that here. My neighbors live really close, and my wife hates loud noises.

ISRAFIL
I must summon good Muslims to the final battle of judgement where they will smote the Christians and non-believers before receiving their final reward.

STEPHEN
Ooookkkaayyy....look, we’re not Muslims here, so blowing your horn will only summon the cops.

DEATH
You shall hear the horns when the seventh trumpet sounds

STEPHEN
No, please..one trumpet is plenty - we don’t need seven.

ISRAFIL
(to DEATH)
Who be you? You are shrouded like a woman, but I cannot tell if you be woman or man.

DEATH
I am Death, rider of the pale horse, herald...

STEPHEN gets between DEATH and ISRAFIL, and places his hand over DEATH’S mouth

STEPHEN
(to ISRAFIL)
Don’t get him talking, please.

STEPHEN checks to see both DEATH and ISRAFIL aren’t going to do anything stupid, then starts speaking to them again.

STEPHEN
Look, ummm....guys, Angels, heralds...whatever you are, we’re not Christians or Muslims here. I appreciate the warning, really. But you should find some good Christians, aor good Muslims, people who want to prepare for this Apocalypse thing, who stand to gain something from the Apocalypse. I mean, what can I do? I lose no matter what. I’m gonna get smote or eternally burned right?

ISRAFIL
Yes

DEATH
Yesssssssssssssssssss

Both ISRAFIL and STEPHEN react to the smell of DEATH’S breath again.

STEPHEN
But neither of you is here to kill me outright, right?

ISRAFIL
No

DEATH
(breathily)
Noo..

STEPHEN cuts DEATH off and puts his hand over DEATH’s mouth

STEPHEN
Just...nod

DEATH shakes his head “no”

STEPHEN
Good, so tell people who can benefit from knowing the Apocalypse is coming, cause if I’m the one who finds out first I’m going to feel guilty....

MAGOG now appears in a cloud of smoke. He has long gray hair with the ringlet curls of a Hacidic Jew, a long gray beard, and speaks with a Yiddish accent

MAGOG
Guilt? What know you of guilt? I must attack Israel to start Armageddon, so God can destroy me. What do I know about attacking people? I should just let God win, but no, someone’s a stickler for scripture...

STEPHEN
That’s....look I’m sorry to hear that but I’m not Jewish, and I really don’t want to be the one knowing Israel is going to be attacked by some vengeful angel...

MAGOG
Angel, Ha! I wish!

ISRAFIL
Israel will fall in the final battle of judgment!

MAGOG
Listen to Mr. Macho. That’s some attitude for a trumpet-toting diaper wearer.

DEATH
All shall perishhhhhhhhhh......

Everyone reacts to DEATH’S breath

MAGOG
You know, if you ate more you wouldn’t have such a sour stomach. Skin and bones, this one....without the skin

ISRAFIL
Food shall have little meaning when the battle...

MAGOG
Violence is no solution, Mr. Too Much Testosterone

ISRAFIL
Jewish dog

MAGOG
Sticks and stones

ISRAFIL
I shall...

DEATH raises his head and exhales loud and long. STEPHEN steps in the middle of the room

STEPHEN
HEY!!! KNOCK IT OFF!!! Look you guys. Enough, okay? I’m not Christian, I’m not Jewish, I’m not Muslim - I’m an atheist all right? I believe all this Armageddon apocalypse stuff is just bullshit...stuff made up by people to keep other people in line. And even if it IS real, well, then I’m just fucked. Fucked for not being Christian Jew or Muslim, fucked for doing the right thing but not doing it in the name of some organized religion. So warning me does squat - it just scares the crap out of me waiting for you actually destroy the universe, and being helpless to stop it - so either get on with it or shut the hell up!

ISRAFIL
But we must Herald the Apocalypse for those true of faith.

DEATH and MAGOG nod in agreement

STEPHEN
Honestly, “those of true faith” are completely fucked too!!! Look, you all have some apocalypse where your followers are saved, right?
(They all agree)
Then everyone who believes something other than your faith represent gets fucked, which means NO ONE SURVIVES. Jewish apocalypse, Christians and Muslims are fucked. Christian apocalypse, Muslims and Jews are fucked. You see what I’m saying?

ODIM now appears in a cloud of smoke, with flowing golden hair, a magnificent golden beard, wearing a Viking helmet and lavish robes like something out a Wagnerian opera. He speaks with a booming voice and Swedish Accent

ODIN
The days of Ragnarok are upon us and I, Highfather Odin, have come to Midgard...

ODIN sees the others, then continues speaking in a higher pictched voice, with a slight lisp.

ODIN
Oh my God, you guys are hear too?

DEATH, MAGOG and ISRAFIL all nod. ODIN looks at Stephen, then whispers to the others.

ODIN
He doesn’t look Nordic.

DEATH, ISARFIL AND MAGOG
He isn’t!!!

Everyone looks at each other during a long quiet pause, thinking over what STEPHEN said.

ODIN
Did I come at a bad time?

STEPHEN
Look guys...I can’t tell you what to do, but why not go back to the Gods who sent you...

ODIN
I sent myself...I’m my own god

STEPHEN
Fine...Odin go think things over someplace, everyone else go back, talk to your respective gods, and tell them that an apocalypse should wait - it’s not going to help your followers or anyone else, and no one can win, okay?

ISRAFIL, DEATH, ODIN and MAGOG all sort of mumble and agree. They dejectedly walk towards STEPHEN’s front door, and exit

MAGOG
(to DEATH as they exit)
Look, I know a great deli - you want to grab a bite? Just looking at you is making me hungry.

ODIN
(to ISRAFIL as they exit)
Do you workout? I like to work out, but I can’t wear togas - too cold in Asgard and they make me look so hip-y, but it looks good on you.

STEPHEN shuts the door behind them, then goes back and sits on the couch to watch TV.

Lights flash, and smoke billows again. This time, the TERMINIATOR steps out.

TERMINATOR
I am a Cyberdyne systems model T100 terminator. I have been sent back in time to proctect you. Come with me if you want to live and stop the Judgment day that brings about my future.

STEPHEN just stares at the TERMINATOR for a moment. Then stands up.

STEPHEN
Honey, I’m going out for a bit - just gotta take care of something.

STEPHEN and the TERMINATOR exist through his front door.

BLACK OUT

FSW: Job Hunting

2008-09-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to another Friday Sketch War! WOOHOOO!!

This week, Richard gave us the topic of "Job Hunting". And even though I know everyone and their brother \ sister \ cross-dressing uncle has written a Sarah Palin sketch, I just couldn't resist.

I'll update links to the other battlers as they come in....

UPDATED: Richard is doing some heavy recruiting and Michael shows us that there are great jobs out there, even for those wishing they only had a brain. And Michael gave us next weeks theme: Apocalypse. I'm guessing he's been into the financial reports again :-)
____________________________________________________________________

INT. - TALK SHOW LIVING ROOM SET - DAY
Soft jazzy flute music plays and pink and green graphic comes up: “Job Hunting with Sarah Palin”. The graphic fades out to reveal SARAH sitting in a lovely living-room talk-show set, sipping a big mug of coffee.

SARAH
Welcome back to “Job Hunting ” everyone. I’m your host of course, Sarah Palin. Today we’re talking about how to get a job in a tough economy. I’m doing this because...

JOHN (O.S.)
“We” Sarah

SARAH
Thank you John....WE’RE doing this...

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you Sarah

SARAH
...because we want every American to feel confident they can get a decent job even in tough times....just in case, you know, things don’t get better any time soon. And if you have those skills, you won’t blame your government for being unemployed, so John and me...

JOHN (O.S.)
Thank you

SARAH
...can work on important things like banning gay marriage, invading Iran, and blaming things on the Democrats. Now many of you are probably thinking “Sarah, what do you know getting a jobs in a tough market?” Folks, let me tell you something. In Alaska there are 15,472 men for every 3 women, and yet I got elected to two different public offices with only "Third Place Beauty Pageant contestant" and "Sports Reporter" to show for experience. Trust me, I know tough job markets.

Speaking of experience, did you know that’s the number one thing that keeps people from getting the job they really want - lack of experience? Most people will never apply for a job for which they have absolutely no experience. But I think God has qualified each and every one of us to be whatever we can apply for, and delusions of grandeur are just God’s way of saying “go get ‘em!”

So I’ve developed...

JOHN (O.S.)
WE

SARAH
WE’VE developed (thank you John) some unique but tested strategies to land that dream job whether you’re qualified or not.

First of all, let’s talk interview outfit. Pick something that’s a little conservative, then sexy it up a bit - shorten the skirt a little, leave an extra button on the blouse undone, etc. Think “sexy librarian”. The sexy gets them hot, but the conservative says “no touching”. Just let them try to think about your experience when you’re sitting down and that skirt is riding up. And if you’ve ever been in a beauty pageant, mention that in the interview...a lot. And don’t forget those glasses - a good pair of glasses both enhances and tones down the sexy - they’re just a little accessory miracle.

Obviously, that last bit of advice is only for the job-hunting women out there. It goes without saying that any man thinking about putting on a skirt is a homosexual, and deserves to burn in hell.

Now, when you show up to the interview, see if you can bring along an elderly person, preferably a war veteran, or even better an ex-prisoner of war with some sort of lingering torture injury. When you’re with someone like that, interviewers think “wow, this person must be reliable and trustworthy if a feeble old geezer like that is hanging out with them.” At the very least, interviewers will be thinking “how nice that they’re hanging out with the elderly”. So really, you really can’t lose with a senior citizen in tow.

So now let’s move on to the interview. You’re sitting there, and the interviewer is looking over your resume’.

Well, there’s your first mistake - NEVER let anyone see your resume’. If they see it, they have hard evidence that you’re unqualified. Instead just say things like “I think my resume’ speaks for itself”, and let them imagine just how great your resume’ must be.

Now, how do you handle that question we all hate:

“So, what qualifies you for this position?”

Wow....that’s A scary one, huh? But here’s a way to answer that question perfectly every time. Remember the word “ONCE” - O...N...C...E. That stands for Old job, new job, cosmetic enhancement. For example, let’s say you’ve been a garbage man and your applying to be the CEO of Sony. When the interviewer says “So what makes you think you could be the CEO of a major multinational company, just say “You know the difference between a garbage man and a Sony CEO? A good hair cut”. Trust me - it doesn’t have to make sense, just say it like it’s completely self evident, then let them figure it out. They’ll just smile and go along with you rather than admit they don’t get what it has to do with anything!

Ladies, try to use “lipstick” as your that cosmetic enhancement - that reminds them of that conservative sexy look you’ve been cultivating.

You can also claim “experience by proximity”. They say you’ve never been a CEO of a major corporation. You reply “well I live within 100 miles of dozens of CEO’s - so I’m probably over-qualified”.

If they keep pushing it, just turn the tables on them . They’ve never been a CEO or they wouldn’t be interviewing you, so they don’t have enough experience to be asking YOU about YOU CEO experience, do they? See how nicely that works?

Now, as a last resort, if they keep pushing you about experience, just accuse them of being a liberal intellectual elitist who’s completely out of touch with the American public. They may come back and argue with you about this, but you will have successfully taken all focus off your lack of experience. Mission accomplished!

Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today.

Thanks for tuning in everyone, and join me...

JOHN (O.S.)
US!

SARAH
...join US (thank you John) tomorrow when we tell you how to take out the competition by stealing their strategy and taking everything they say about you as a sexist assault. Bye bye now!

FSW: Sports Edition

2008-09-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

Thank God its Friday Sketch War!!!

So I chose the theme for the week - and I went with something to take our minds off politics and failing financial giants....SPORTS!!!

I'll update links to the other sketches as combatants enter the arena, but here's my offering....a tribute to fans of bad NFL teams everywhere (I know your pain :).

UPDATE: Richard shows us which candidate(s) have game and Michael helped us on a new career path, which shows some serious esp, since Richard has given us "Job Hunting" for next weeks theme.

P.S. - Congrats to Richard on his upcoming release from hell...I mean 2 week countdown to departure from his current job!!! WOOHOOO!_________________________________________________________________

INT. - SPORTS BAR - DAY

Rod, Gary and Frank - 3 middle aged, balding, mustached, overweight men - sit at a table, wearing football jerseys, faces painted in team colors, wearing baseball caps for their favorite team. The table is littered with the remains of beers, hot wings, popcorn, peanuts, and several other paper-covered plastic baskets that contained foods we can only imagine. These are superfans, but now they sit, staring at an unseen television, mouths agape as if they just witnessed the most horrific accident in the history of man in close-up slow motion.

ROD
Hol-eeeeee shit.

GARY
63 to 2

ROD
Hol-eeeeeeee shit.

FRANK
How’d we even score 2?

GARY
The other team deliberately dropped the ball in their own end zone...

ROD
Holeeeeee...

GARY
...one of our guys tripped and accidentally fell on it.

ROD
shit.

FRANK
This is the worst. 4 lousy losing seasons, 3 number one draft picks, and we still get the ever-loving-crap kicked out of us on Monday Night Football.

ROD
This team sucks balls.

GARY
Big ones

FRANK
Big hairy ones

ROD
Sweaty and hairy

GARY
And dangly....big sweaty hairy dangly loser balls.

FRANK
That’s the kind of balls this team sucks.

ROD
Goddamn Ball suckers

GARY
They can’t get any worse.

ROD
Bottom feeding ballsuckers

FRANK
We said that last year.

GARY
We did?

FRANK
And the year before.

ROD
Chronic bottom feeding ball suckers

GARY
Shit.

GARY pauses a moment...they sit in silence, depressed, until an idea hits GARY

GARY (CONT)
You know what? I’m through.

FRANK
Through?

ROD
You mean with the wings?

GARY
Nah....I’m done being a fan. I will never cheer for this lousy stinkin’ team ever again.

GARY throws his baseball cap on the table and starts wiping colored makeup off his face

FRANK
You gonna switch to some other team?

GARY
Fuck that....I mean I’m done, period. End of story. No more football, ever.

ROD
Holeeeeee shit!

GARY
Think about it...what has football ever given us?

FRANK
Heartburn

ROD
Depression

FRANK
Suffering

ROD
And sorrow

GARY
Right....and what have you given to football?

FRANK
Piles of money

ROD
Every Sunday from September to February.

FRANK
Those Monday nights too.

ROD
My youth

FRANK
My waistline

ROD
My pre-spastic colon

GARY
I lost my first wife because of football.

ROD
Yeah?

GARY
And my second.

FRANK
My wife barely talks to me any more...and we ain’t had sex in two years.

ROD
Football?

FRANK
Damn straight - she wanted to have sex this time two years ago when a game was on, and I ignored her.

ROD
Shit

FRANK
So she went and dressed up like a cheerleader, then bounced around doing splits...I got pissed cause she was wearing the wrong colors and blocking the screen.

ROD
Shit

FRANK
So she leaves, comes back in, butt naked this time, bouncing around doing splits...

GARY
And...?

FRANK
You guys have seen my wife - naked was not step up. I haven’t watched a game at home since.

ROD
Shit

GARY
What about you Rod?

ROD
What about what?

FRANK
Football made any girl trouble for you?

ROD looks like a deer in the headlights

ROD
No...no issues with, um, girls, at all

GARY
Look...let’s make a pact....right here, right now, the three of us...NO MORE FOOTBALL

ROD AND FRANK
(in unison)
NO MORE FOOTBALL!!!

GARY
We’ll find other things to get exited about

FRANK
To dedicate our lives to!

ROD
To get fanatical about!

GARY
Other reasons to drink beer!

FRANK
To eat nachos!

ROD
To dress up

FRANK and GARY look at ROD for a moment, thinking about that one

GARY
We’ll talk about other things

FRANK
Watch something besides ESPN!

ROD
Read other parts of the paper!

GARY
We don’t need football to be men, do we?

ROD AND FRANK
HELL NO!!!

GARY
We’ll be the type of men who lived before football was invented!

FRANK
We’ll read books!

GARY
Watch plays

ROD
Go dancing!

FRANK
Debate issues!

GARY
Explore shit!

ROD
Go dancing!

GARY
And never, ever, EVER again will we let some stupid silly game control our emotions, wreck our self esteem

FRANK
Make us dress up like idiots

ROD
Shout like retarded cavemen

GARY
Or dictate our schedules and isolate us in dingy bars. And never again will football come between us and our children...

FRANK
Our wives...

ROD
Our parents...

GARY
A-fucking-men! From now on it’s real conversations about real shit with the people we care about....OR NOTHING!!!

GARY raises a near empty beer mug, the other follow suit

GARY
Gentlemen.....FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

ROD
(in unison)
FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

They clink glasses and chug down the last swigs of beer in their mugs. They slam the mugs down on the table in triumph. Then, as they look around at each other, they become aware of how quiet it is. Each tries a few times to think of something to say, starts to say something to the others, then thinks about it, and doesn’t say a word. All three look at each other with a growing sadness, frustration and fear.

GARY finally breaks the silence.

GARY
Uhhhh....

ROD and FRANK hang on for his next word.

GARY
Who do we play next week?

ROD
New Orleans

GARY
Oh hell yeah, we should be able to kick the shit out of them!!!

Animated excited conversation resumes

BLACK OUT

FSW: Spare Changes

2008-09-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

If I keep this up, the west coast guy is going to get a reputation for consistently being late to post! What can I say - we San Franciscans just get lost in our gay marriages and medical marijuana :)

Speaking of such radical things, this weeks theme (provided by Michael), was "change" . I decided to play with the word change on two levels, as well as working on a more relationship \ character based slice of life scene (with a healthy does of satirical social commentary as well...t least I HOPE that's how it comes off :)

RICHARD (not Robert...sorry about that Richard....see aformementioned note about medical marijuana) gave us the kind of change we could only get through super-powers ("form of a pig...with lipstick"), and Michael helps us look at the bright side of life (feel free to whistle along, Monty Python fans).

And....since it appears I've been given the honor of picking the topic for next week...

I was very tempted to pick "lipstick on a pig" as our theme, but I'll veer away from political inspiration this round.

Instead, our theme will be (drum roll, please)........SPORTS
in honor of this being the time of year when Baseball winds down and footbal ramps up.

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. - COMMUTER TRAIN STATION - DAY

CHARLIE, a well dressed business man in a suit, stands waiting for the morning train into the city, Wall Street Journal tucked under one arm, sipping a Grande Starbuck’s coffee. A few other well heeled commuters also stand around the platform waiting for their train.

RAOUL, a ragged homeless-looking black man stumbles up onto the platform. He approaches a few of the commuters panhandling. All of them turn him down, ignore him, or just step away in disgust. Finally, RAOUL approaches CHARLIE.

RAOUL
Hey man, can you help a brother out?

CHARLIE
Sorry....I Don’t have any change.

RAOUL
Change?? I didn’t say shit about change....can’t buy shit with change now days. I asked for some help...but you wanna share some cash I’ll haul off a few dead presidents for you! Ha ha!

CHARLIE
I don’t have anything smaller than a twenty.

RAOUL holds out his hand with a smile, waiting for CHARLIE to hand it over.

CHARLIE
I’m not giving you 20 dollars.

RAOUL
Tell you what...give me that twenty, and I’ll go get change for you.

RAOUL holds out his hand and smiles again
CHARLIE just stares at RAOUL for a moment in disbelief

CHARLIE
I forgot....I don’t have any cash on me right now...I didn’t have a chance to go by an ATM last night.

RAOUL
You got NO cash on you at all???

CHARLIE
Nope

RAOUL
Rich lookin’ muthafucka like you?

CHARLIE
Zilch

RAOUL
Not even single ratty old Benjamin you keep stuffed in your shoe for emergencies?

CHARLIE
Not a single bill.

RAOUL
So how’d you pay for that coffee?

CHARLIE
Starbuck’s card.

RAOUL looks frustrated, and starts to go, then turns back.

RAOUL
Train fare?

CHARLIE
Commuter card.

RAOUL
Shit

Starts to leave again....but gets an idea for one last go

RAOUL
How you buyin’ your lunch?

CHARLIE
Debit-ATM card.

RAOUL
Goddamn plastic cards everywhere man - no wonder the planet’s fucked.

CHARLIE
Excuse me.

RAOUL
Planet-fucking asshole.

CHARLIE
You have no right to pass any judgment on me, my stinky little friend!

RAOUL
I have every damn right man! You middle class money-sluts fuck up everything you touch. I’m out here living the utopian ideal.

CHARLIE
Oh please!

RAOUL
Man, dig this - I don’t commute, so I don’t pollute. I eat what other people were going to throw away. I wear what others are done wearing.

CHARLIE
And you smell like a baboon.

RAOUL
I don’t fuckin’ shower man...I don’t waste no water!!! I live wherever I want, under whatever I find, no house made from no cut-down forest, don’t use no electricity generated from no fossil fuels, don’t use no air conditioning leaking toxic chemicals....

CHARLIE
You pay no property taxes so you do nothing to help the community. You pay no income tax, so you do nothing to help clean up the environment or get homeless people off the streets. You consume no fuel, so you create no profit for companies developing alternative energy sources...

RAOUL
Blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah. You’re just scramblin’ your ass off to fix what you fucked up. I’m not fucking nothing up to begin with, so it ain’t my job to pay for fixin’ it.

CHARLIE
Give me a break. You’re just making excuses for being a worthless drain on society.

RAOUL
And you’re living your entire life in denial, trying to buy off your guilt for messing things up.

CHARLIE
I have nothing to feel guilty about. I live a good environmentally conscientious Christians lifestyle.

RAOUL
Man, you’re a middle class white guy....every last bit of shit in the world is your fucking fault! Racism, sexism, holy wars, genocide, diabetes, heart disease, Michael Bolton, keeping “Two and a Half Men” at the top of the Nielsen ratings....ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!

CHARLIE
Look, you’re getting a little loud, let’s calm down...

RAOUL
Oh....the homeless black man is getting a little too uppity for the nice white man...overstepping his station in life...

CHARLIE
(Looking around the platform)
People are starting to stare...let’s just tone this down.

RAOUL
You can’t even look at me, can you....you look at me and all you see is guilt...guilt for sucking up money that could be distributed amongst everyone in society instead of being hoovered up by the elitist white minority to upgrade their iPhones.

CHARLIE
I haven’t upgraded, I’m waiting for them to fix the 3G issues....

RAOUL
When you look at me, you see thousands of years of oppression, of your kind screwing over people that didn’t look like you, didn’t pray like you, or just plain got a bit too uppity for you

CHARLIE
Quiet down friend...people are starting to stare.

RAOUL
Man, I ain’t you’re god damn friend! I am your goddamn stepping stool!!

CHARLIE
Look, pal...

RAOUL
I’m a man...respect me and call me by the name my mama gave me!!!

CHARLIE
You haven’t told me your name!!!

RAOUL
That’s your own goddamn fault!

CHARLIE
(noticing people staring)
Just, please...quiet down....you’re making a scene.

RAOUL
Ohhhhhh....I see how it is. Big bad money-making white dude can’t handle a helpless little homeless man. Mr. middle-class gettin’ all embarrassed that other white folks see him crumble in the face of the ugly truth.

CHARLIE
I’m....I feel no guilt...it’s my fault you’re homeless....it’s your choices that have..

RAOUL
(to the crowd)
THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE....MR. WALL STREET FUCKING-JOURNAL HERE CAN’T HANDLE ONE DOWN ON HIS LUCK BLACK MAN!!! MR. MONEY BAGS WOULD RATHER SPEND HIS WHOLE LIFE SHOVELING MONEY INTO A CORRUPT SYSTEM...A SYSTEM THAT HIDES PEOPLE IN SHELTERS!!! HE WANTS A WORLD WHERE HIS VIEW ISN’T CLUTTERED WITH POOR PEOPLE SO HE CAN DRINK HIS LATTE IN PEACE!!!

CHARLIE
Oh God....

RAOUL
HE WANTS SOME CORPORATE MEGAPOWER TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE POOR BLACK PEOPLE INTO CLEAN BURNING FUEL FOR HIS GODDAMN LEXUS!!!

CHARLIE
I never said that...I...

RAOUL
I COULD BE THE SECOND GODDAMN COMING OF JESUS-FUCKING-CHRIST, BUT AS LONG AS I’M A POOR BLACK MAN THIS RICH FUCKER HERE WOULD TURN JEW BEFORE HE GAVE ME A SINGLE DOLLAR!!!

CHARLIE
Look...I just remembered I keep some money in my briefcase...here’s a ten.

RAOUL
I ain’t takin’ that.

CHARLIE
What?

RAOUL
I ain’t takin your goddamn dirty money. I will not be pulled out of Utopia by your hush-money, Satan.

CHARLIE
But this all started with...

RAOUL
(for the benefit of other commuters)
I DO NOT WANT YOUR GOD DAMN GUILT MONEY, WHITE DEVIL!!! YOU CAN’T BUY YOUR CONSCIENCE BACK FROM ME, OPPRESSOR!!!

CHARLIE
Look....here’s a twenty....you said you’d take a twenty earlier, right?

RAOUL
(again performing)
RICH WHITE MAN BUYS CONSCIENCE FROM POOR NIGGER FOR TWENTY BUCKS...FILM AT ELEVEN!!!

CHARLIE
Oh dear God...look, here’s a hundred and fifteen dollars, and my Starbuck’s card...there’s still thirty-five dollars on it...all yours if you’ll just stop this...please!!!

RAOUL thinks it over

RAOUL
Can you get them breakfast sandwiches with that card?

CHARLIE
Yes...it’s Good for anything in the place

RAOUL
Whole bean coffee?

CHARLIE
Yes...everything

RAOUL thinks it over even more

RAOUL
Alright...I accept your guilt money, and your environment-destroying cash card to the white supremacist coffee empire, in the name of restoring peace to my Utopia.

CHARLIE
Thank you.

RAOUL
I can see you feel real regret, and have rethought your place in the world.

CHARLIE
You have no idea.

RAOUL
This doesn’t absolve you from your crimes or relieve you of your guilt.

CHARLIE
I know.

RAOUL
Alright. You’ve got a a good heart under that oppressor’s skin.

CHARLIE
Thank you. And I'm truly sorry for everything my people have ever done to yours...I'll spend the rest of my life being unbelievably aware of that, and trying to find a way to make it right.

RAOUL walks off stage. CHARLIE closes up his briefcase, relived that it’s all over.

RAOUL suddenly darts back on stage and over to CHARLIE

RAOUL
Say, you gonna be back for the morning commute tomorrow?

BLACK OUT

FSW: Putting the fun in Funeral

2008-09-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

Ahhh Friday, and the hills are alive with the sound of sketches!

I'm a little tardy posting today - I've been off work this week, so I've been slacking on everything!

The topic this week was funerals, and I have to admit, for the first half of the week, I was really stuck - all I could picture was the famous Bill Braskey funeral sketch written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrel for Saturday Night Live a few years back. Every sketch idea I had seemed to be a variation on that. But once I was able to get past that, some nice ideas started breaking, and in the end it came down to a Bill Brasky variation, a Viking funeral sketch, or this, which is more filmic commercial parody and less character driven (which is a fancy way of saying "this is pure unadulterated silliness with lots of visual gags"). But it's definitely different from what I usually tend towards writing, and ended up being dialogue light ("show, don't tell" is something I try to work towards more and more with sketches).

Well, enough of my rambling....Michael let us sit in on a funeral WITH the deceased watching and Robert whacked a super-villain's lackey.

And here's my funeral offering for the week....next week's theme is "Change".

___________________________________________________________

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An austere but reverent viewing room. An open casket surrounded by flowers is at the front of the room and a line of mourners file by paying their respects

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s never easy to lose a loved one....

The widow stands over the casket with 2 sons flanking either side, all looking down into the casket and shaking their heads slowly. The camera moves in closer to the casket

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun!

The camera pans down into the casket to show the deceased packed in ice set with cold bottles of bear. Against the corpse’s chest is a small flat screen TV showing an NFL game, held between the deceased’s hands. Tortilla chips inset with bowls of salsa and nacho cheese ring the deceased’s head.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOUR - DAY

The place looks somber from the outside, except for the TGI Friday’s style sign and red \ white striped awnings

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
At P.T. Bucketkicker’s Funeral Parlour we create the kind of funerals that people look forward to! Want to turn those tears of loss in tears of laughter? Try our “Jack in the Casket”

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
An elderly couple walks up to view the casket. A “SPROING” sound is heard and the corpse immediately sits upright in the casket. The elderly woman laughs, the elderly man clutches his chest and falls to the floor.

On the screen, a disclaimer is superimposed:
“Jack in a Casket option must be selected prior to rigor mortis”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Saying goodbye makes wake attendees more aware their own days are coming to end. You can make them feel like a kid again with Wakey - our funereal clown!

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another wake, people sit in front of an open casket while others file past to pay their respects. WAKEY is also in line mocking the other mourners with exaggerated wiping of tears and other mimed gestures. WAKEY is a traditional party clown with white face, big orange hair, red nose, etc, except his jumpsuit and shoes are black and white, like a clown tuxedo, and he has crosses attached to each shoulder.

WAKEY makes a big “shush” gesture to the sitting mourners, and as standing mourner leans in over the body, WAKEY pulls out an oversized box with a big red button. When the standing mourner is looking into the casket, WAKEY pushes the button, and an arm pops up from the casket hitting the standing mourner square in the face with a pie. WAKEY mimes laughing as the pie-dripping mourner stands bakc upright. As the pie-smacked mourner turns to look at WAKEY, a powerful stream of seltzer sprays from the coffin hitting the him right in the face.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of kids, don’t you hate bringing them to funerals? P.T. Bucketkicker’s is the only funeral parlor in the tri-state area with a state-of-the-art video game arcade AND bowling alley.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Another funeral wake, mourners sit respectfully as BRUCE stands before them. The sounds of bowling can be head loudly as BRUCE starts to speak

BRUCE
I’d like to thank you all for coming. I know my mother would have been touched that all of you are here for her.

The “whoo-whoo-whoo” sound of PAC-MAN hitting a ghost is heard.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Losing a spouse is especially hard. You haven’t been to a party alone in years. So why should you go to a funeral alone? P.T. Bucketkicker’s can provide you with a funereal escort so you don’t have to face this all alone.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR HALLWAY
A man holds a door open as mourners file into a viewing room. The widow walks in on the arm of a topless rippled Chippendale’s dancer, complete with black spandex pants and fake white wrist cuffs. She pauses, turns and waves behind her to an elderly man entering another view room. The elderly man is in a wheel chair, very frail looking, wearing an oxygen mask attached to a bottle on his chair. The elderly man is wheeled in by a stiletto-heeled-boot wearing, leather bustier, leather shorts and fishnet clad Pussycat Doll. The elderly man smiles, and gives a thumbs up and we hear a deep pull on that oxygen.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Speaking of spouses, you began your married life with that romantic first dance. Shouldn’t you have a last dance to say goodbye? At P.T. Bucketkicker’s, we can make that happen.

CUT TO:

INT. - FUNERAL PARLOUR
Chairs have line the sides and a big area is cleared in the middle of the view room. The lights go down except for a spotlight in the center. The widow steps into the light and “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” starts playing. The deceased is wheeled in by a well-dressed funeral director on a hand truck, upright, with arms splayed in waltz position like a mannequin. The widow steps in an arranges herself so the deceased’s arms hit in the right places, which takes some time. The funeral director puts his arms under the deceased’s to help. They finally start dancing, awkwardly, with the funeral director wheeling the deceased around, and the widow doing her best to keep up.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Don’t you hate those people at the eulogy who try to make the deceased sound like a saint just because they’re dead? Let them try that with our eulogy lie detector.

CUT TO:

INT. - CHURCH - DAY
Mourners sit in the church as CHARLIE stands up at the pulpit. He stands under a wooden frame, like an airport metal detector, with a large red and a green light at the top of the frame

CHARLIE
Dan was a giving man, a loving father, and a devoted husband

A loud BUZZ sounds, and the red light lights up. Charlie and The congregated mourners burst into laughter

CHARLIE (CONT)
Oh geez...alright...let’s face it, Dan loved his underage hookers! He lived life like a penicillin tycoon on a Bangkok shore leave!

The green light lights up as a bell sounds, everyone laughs, except the widow who looks surprised and appalled, and starts crying even harder.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Finding it hard to say that final goodbye? With the Pop-up Pit, you won’t have to!

CUT TO:

EXT. - CEMETARY - DAY
All of the mourners stand grave-side as the casket is lowered into the earth. The mourners turn to leave, weeping loudly, and the casket is launched up out of the hole and lands on the ground next to the pit.

CUT TO:

EXT. - P.T. BUCKETKICKERS FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
With so many options, you can customize your funeral to suit YOUR kind of fun!

A list of options starts scrolling up the screen:
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT NOVELY WREATHS
PARTY HUMMER-HEARSE (WITH HOT TUB)
“WHOOPEE” CASKETS
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK EMBALMING FLUID
OUR PROFESSIONAL SLAPSTICK PALLBEARING TEAM - “THE PALLIES!”
EXOTIC DANCERS FOR ALL FAITHS AND DENOMINATIONS
STAND-UP PRIESTS (FROM LAS VEGAS)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
So if you’ve got someone to bury why not bring them on down to P.T. Bucketkicker’s...where we put the FUN back in Funeral!

The camera pans over slightly so the marquee sign in front of the Funeral Parlor can be seen. On the sign:
“Lenderman viewing: Mon 3-7
Ladies Night: Weds 7-Midnight”

FADE OUT

FSW: Green Witches

2008-08-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

Well....here's my second salvo in the fabulous Friday Sketch Wars. This time, I decided to get medieval on someone's ass! (might have something to do with the fact I'm in an Improvised Shakespeare show Friday night, and an improviosed Tarantino show Saturday night).

Anyway....our theme this week was "Gatherings" - I'll update links as soon as the other combatants report in!

____________________________________________________________________________________

EXT. - A CLEARING IN A CREEPY FOREST - NIGHT
Lightning and thunder above, a big cauldron sits in the clearing, wolves howl, unseen critters scamper past in the dark, the sound of bat-wings flapping overhead, and only a thin shaft of moonlight reveals anything more than the black silhouettes of twisted ancient trees.

HILDA, and old scraggly woman with a crooked nose, long straggly gray hair, slightly green skin, huge hair warts om her face, gnarled hands, wearing a long tattered ratty black dress and pointy black hat, enters from out of the woods with the use of a gnarled wooden stick as a cane. She is carrying a burlap sack filled with stuff.

HILDA
The creatures of darkness stir and cry out for mischief! The skies blacken and split...the time for evil has come!

HILDA waves her hands at the cauldron and a fire bursts out under it. Steam also starts rising from whatever is in the cauldron

HILDA
Come forth my sisters and join me now! Bring forth your gifts and place them in our cauldron - let now our machinations begin!

HELGA who looks like a variation on HILDA comes out of the woods, carrying a similar sack.

HELGA
Run cold blood, and good cheer flee
When joined in mischief, we sisters three!

HARPA now enters from the woods, the third sister, with another sack

HARPA
By raven’s caw, and toadlet’s croak,
Mother night our dark deeds cloak

HILDA
To our labors bend your mind,
A poor souls fate we must unwind

All three gather around the cauldron and pull items from their sacks

HELGA
The fingers of a baby abandoned to die

HELGA dumps them in the cauldron, and a puff of steam belches out of the cauldron

HILDA
Festering meat from a possum’s thigh

HILDA dumps it in - another belch

HARPA
Nightshade planted on Hallow’s eve

Dump...belch

HELGA
The tears of a widow, shed as she grieved

Dump...belch

HILDA
Fang of an adder that struck a priest

Dump...belch

HARPA
Organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

HILDA and HELGA look at each other upon hearing this.

HARPA starts to dump it in....HILDA stops her hand with her cane-stick

HILDA
Wait....what didst thou say?

HARPA
Ummmm.....organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

HILDA
Why not regular old wormwood?

HELGA
From the east?

HARPA
This tis much better....for twas grown without pesticides or chemicals. So tis better for the environment, and healthier to eat.

HILDA
Wormwood is a poison...eating it doth kill a man in minutes.

HARPA
All the more reason to go organic....why wouldst one want more toxins in something already so lethal?

HILDA
Enough of this. I didst agree when you wanted to use only free-range newt in our potions....

HELGA
And when thou didst say the cauldron should only be lit after 7pm on hot days to reduce airborne pollutants...

HILDA
AND when thou didst say we needed to stop making the gingerbread houses we use to entrap children out of refined sugar, and use the raw brown stuff instead...

HELGA
Looks like bad stucco.

HILDA
But this is beyond all measure of reason.

HARPA
Good Hilda, we must consider said things....we doth live in the woods and useth the plants of the earth for all our work....we shouldst be the first to consider about what servers environment and the people the best.

HELGA
I miss serving people, especially to other people.

HILDA glares at HELGA, who smiles and quietly slinks back behind HILDA

HILDA
Harpa, I hat a business to run here. People doth pay us to put curses upon their enemies, to make people fall in love with them, or foretell their futures. They carest not if the person we turn into a frog for them gets cancer

HARPA
Hath they said that to you?

HELGA
Frog cancer tis so sad

HILDA
They doth not NEED to say it! People do not have other people turned into frogs because they wisheth them health and happiness!!!

HELGA
Yeah, but frog cancer tis sooooooo sad

HILDA smacks HELGA in the head

HILDA
Who’s side art thou on???

HARPA
I know it doth cost more but...

HILDA
Costs? What dost thou mean, cost? What didst thou pay for that?

HARPA
Twas just a little bit more than....

HILDA
WHAT DIDST THOU PAY FOR IT?

HARPA
Three dracmas.

HILDA fumes

HARPA (CONT)
Tis not too bad

HILDA
Regular wormwood is free!!! Thou mayst go and pick it up off the ground! It doth grow wild in the forest!

HARPA
True but who doth know what it hath been treated with, or what sort of pesticides are on it.

HILDA
Tis free!!! It could be buried in pig poop, and WE WOULD NOT CARE!!! We put it in a boiling cauldron and make potions with it! POTIONS THAT DO EVIL THINGS TO PEOPLE!!!!

HARPA
Surely thou wouldst not want a potion to taste like pig poop?

HILDA
WHY NOT? TIS AN EVIL POTION!!!! GIVEN TO SOMEONE THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOESN’T LIKE TO SOMETHING EVIL TO THEM!!! WHY SHOULDN’T IT NOT TASTE EVIL???

HELGA
Pig poop doth taste more nasty than it doth taste evil.

HILDA
THOU ART AN IDIOT!!!

Everyone pauses a moment....catching their breath. HARPA finally breaks the silence, resigned

HARPA
Fine....no more shall I bring organic ingredients for potion-making.

HILDA
Good

HARPA
I shalt stop suggesting uses for the rest of the lizard after we use it’s tongue for curses.

HILDA
Thank you

HARPA
And never more shall I bring up all the reasons we shouldst fly hemp-brooms instead of straw-brooms ever again, even though straw tis a resource intensive crop and has to be shipped in from...

HILDA
KNOCKST IT OFF!

HARPA
Sorry...old habit

HILDA
Darest not let it happen again. Now, mayst we finish this potion and go home?

HARPA isn’t happy, but recovers herself and goes back to the cauldron

HARPA
Wormwood, that may or may not be organic, brought from the east

Dump....belch

HILDA
Wing of bat that has freshly fed

HELGA
Rust from the axe that takes men’s heads....

A knight, SIR ELDRIDGE, enters carrying a torch in one hand an a sword in the other wearing chain mail, a helmet, and a tunic with a royal looking crest on it

SIR ELDRIDGE
Halt Hags! Stay where thou art, and movest not!!!

The sisters all freeze, scared of SIR ELDRIDGE

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
I am from his Majesty’s Environmental Protection Agency. We hath heard rumors of potions being illegally dumped in these woods. Dost know of such a thing?

All of the witches respond with “oh no, haven’t heard of anything like that”, “didn’t see anyone dumping”, “how rude”, “the nerve of some people”, etc.

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
His Majesty’s fish pond hath been fouled with a frog-making potion that didst smell of pig poop......

Again the witches respond over the of each other “of how awful”, “how inconsiderate”, etc.)

SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
Pray tell hags, what manner of potion be this?

HILDA
Tis but a generic potion....more like a potion base

HELGA
Potion starter

Sir Eldridge sniffs it

SIR ELDRIDGE
Methinks it doth smell vaguely of pig droppings

HARPA
Oh no kind sir, you must be mistaken. For this potion doth use only organic ingredients.

Sir Eldridge considers this for a moment

SIR ELDRIDGE
Doth not organic ingredients cost a great deal more?

HARPA
Aye, they do, but we feel the result be worth the price, and we doth simply charge those buying potions slightly more.

SIR ELDRIDGE
In truth, I’d pay more for an organic potion. Sir Halston didst purchase a common frog-making potion which he gave to his enemy, the Black Knight of Leeds. Turned the Knight into a frog, AND didst give him frog cancer.

HELGA
How sad

SIR ELDRIDGE
‘Tis true. Sir Halston didst ends his days wracked with guilt. Pray thee, let me watch thee make thy organic potion.

HARPA
Thou art welcome to watch Sir knight, is he not good sisters.

HELGA and HILDA answer “oh yes”, “sure”, etc. HILDA looks annoyed at HARPA, but has no choice but to go on

HARPA
Organically farmed wormwood, brought from the east

HILDA
Eye of.....free range...newt

SIR ELDRIDGE
Dost thou keep the rest of the newt after using only it’s eye?

HELGA
Aye, we make newt bread out of it

SIR ELDRIDGE
My mother didst make the most wondrous newt bread in my youth, with walnuts and raisins!

FADE OUT.

Friday Sketch War - No Child Left Behind

2008-08-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

After being a long-time reader (and fan) of the Friday Sketch Wars, I decided to toss my hat into the ring (aka - get my ass in gear and get something written in time to play with the other kids :) ). This weeks theme was "Back to School".

UPDATE:

Richard got us dressed for school, and Michael made sure we got to class - so go check 'em out! And....they even kind enough to invite me to toss down the theme for next week (oh, the pressure).

Sooooooooo.......in honor of the Democratic National Convention next week, let's say the theme this week is: Gatherings

___________________________________________________________________

INT. HIGHSCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
Several students are milling about before class, talking to each other, flirting, the class nerd trying to be as invisible as possible....the usual classroom goings-on.

The school bell rings, the classroom door opens, and in walks the teacher, MR. PHILLIPS

MR. PHILLIPS
Everyone settle down, settle down....I know you all have a lot to talk about after spending all summer hanging out together, but it’s learning time now.

The students grumblingly sit down.

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Alright.....welcome to your senior year at William Taft highschool. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mr. Phillips, and I will be your homeroom teacher for first semester. You will meet here first thing every morning, I will go over any announcements, hand out any official paperwork, and send you on your merry way. I will also be the first person you talk to if you have any questions or problems, and I will be the person who proctors the many standardized tests now required by the state throughout the year. Are there any questions?

TIFFANY raises her hand

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Morelli.

TIFFANY
When can we buy yearbooks?

MR. PHILLIPS
Year books will be available for pre-purchase at the yearbook office after the new year.

Another hand goes up - it’s LEILA’s

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes, Ms. Gray?

LEILA
What about student tickets for the football games?

MR. PHILLIPS
Student tickets for Taft Golden Wombats’ football games, either for individual games or season tickets, will be available for purchase from your homeroom teacher, in this case myself. This also applies to all other varsity sports throughout the year.

A hand goes up from one of the boys in the back of the class

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Yes Mr., uhhhh, Clarkson is it?

CHIP
Yes sir, Chip Clarkson.

MR. PHILLIPS
What’s your question Mr. Clarkson?

CHIP
I wanted choir this fall, but it’s not on my schedule. Can I get that changed?

MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately Mr. Clarkson the entire music program has been eliminated due to budget cuts.

The students break out grumbling amongst themselves

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
We’ve also lost the drama program...

More grumbling

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
home economics....

More grumbling

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
...and Field Hockey.

Not a peep

MR. PHILLIPS
The entire national economy is in the crapper right now people, and school budgets are stretched right to the breaking point. State and federal government wants us to focus solely on reading, math and sciences, because the U.S. is behind almost every other industrialized nation in those disciplines. They want regular standardized tests to gauge progress, and our funding will be directly related to how well you kids do on those tests. Low scores on those tests will result in lower funding and more cut programs, possibly even varsity sports.

A grumble goes up from the entire class

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Which reminds me....Mr. Williams, are you here today? Tyson Williams?

TYSON, one of the cool kids, athletic, stylish, and obviously a heartbreaker, stands up. He’s wearing a athletic letterman jacket and stylish tousled blonde hair, looking like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.

TYSON
Right here, yo!

MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Williams, you’ve been the captain of the basketball team for the last two years, an all-state wrestling champion, and a star half-back for the Golden Wombats, have you not?

TYSON
You left out rock star and pimp of the nation bro!!!

The class hoots and applauds at TYSON’s brashness. Mr. Phillips looks at Tyson’s record on his desk

MR. PHILLIPS
You barely passed your last two years of algebra, and earned a combined score of less than 500 on your practice SAT’s last year, which means you didn’t even spell you name correctly on the test.

TYSON
What can I say? I’m naturally gifted! GOLDEN WOMBATS RULE!!!

While TYSON is talking, Mr. Phillips rings a little bell sitting on his desk. Two men in dark suits with dark sunglasses rush in through the door. Phillip’s points out Tyson, and the two men run over to him. They taser the boy, then pick him up and rush him out of the classroom. This all happens with the speed and precision of a military special forces operation.

TIFFANY
Oh my God Mr P! Those men just took Tyson!

MR. PHILLIPS
This is just a part of how things are going to be done at William Taft High from now on!

CHIP
What? We’re going to be tasered and kidnapped and never seen again?

MR. PHILLIPS
On the contrary - Mr. Williams is fine. Look...he’s coming back into the classroom right now.

A thin small Indian teen, SANJEET, steps into the doorway, wearing Tyson’s letter jacket, which hangs on him, and wearing a blonde wig similar to Tyson’s hair. SANJEET speaks shyly with a heavy Indian accent He tries to speak hip, but has absolutely no clue how.

MR. PHILLIPS
There you are Mr. Williams. Welcome back. Please take your seat now that you’ve returned from using the restroom.

SANJEET
Thank you Mr. P. What is up my home skillets....I am wicked refreshed now that I my lizard has been successfully drained.

Everyone stares as SANJEET takes TYSON’s seat

TIFFANY
That is NOT Tyson Mr. P.

CHIP
It’s some Indian dude!

MR. PHILLIPS
WRONG!!! This is the NEW Tyson Williams, former athletic wonder, who, thanks to an epiphany about where his low grades would lead him, has returned from Summer vacation an expert in complex mathematics and theoretical physics.

SANJEET
Quarks are my bitches!

MR. PHILLIPS
Now, if we can continue....

TIFFANY
NO!!! THIS IS SO TOTALLY WRONG!!! WHAT’S HAVE YOU DONE WITH TYSON???

MR. PHILLIPS
Ms. Morelli, your reading comprehension scores were embarrassingly low last year, weren’t they?

TIFFANY
DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT MR PHILLIPS! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TYSON!!!

MR. PHILLIPS rings a little bell sitting on his desk. TIFFANY falls to the floor as if dragged down below her desk where we cannot see her, and the electric crackle of a taser is heard. After a few seconds an Asian girl, YEI, dressed like Tiffany and wearing a wig identical to Tiffany’s hair, sits back up in Tiffany’s chair. YEI speaks with a Chinese accent, and the same awkwardness as SANJEET

YEI
Forgive please, Mr. Phillips. I drop number 2 pencil to floor. Please continue.

MR. PHILLIPS
That’s quite alright Ms. Morelli. I’m sure that someone like you, who, at your age has already completed two entire books analyzing the works of Lord Byron, which may or may not have been written in your native language, must be very attached to her number 2 pencils.

Every student except SANJEET and YEI glance nervously around, afraid to move, but trying to make sure there is no one on the floor around them.

LEILA gingerly and nervously raises her hand.

MR. PHILLIPS
Yes, Ms. Gray?

LEILA
Mr. P....I’m not saying that something just happened, in fact I’m sure absolutely nothing just happened, and I defintiely didn’t see anything just happen, and I’d swear to that on a stack of bibles even though my parents have raised me Budhist...but IF something just happened, which it didn’t, why would it have just happened?

MR. PHILLIPS
That is a well thought out question Ms. Gray. As I said before, educational funding, which includes my salary and tenure possibilities, is now being determined solely by student scores on standardized tests. A teacher may be fired, have their salary reduced, or be denied tenure simply if their students score too low on those aforementioned tests, whether or not it is the fault of the teacher, the failure of apathetic parents to properly motivate their children, or whether the children in question are simply morons. A teacher will ultimately pay the price for the failure of his or her students, even if the teacher in question was once a member of U.S. Military special forces who still has close friends in covert operations. Does that answer your question Ms. Gray?

LEILA
(scared out of her mind and almost stuttering)
Y...y...y.....yes, Mr. Phillips.

MR. PHILLIPS
I think it’s a great shame that there are so many bright ambitious students in poorer countries around the world, who would give anything for the quality education American students take for granted, and that those same foreign students are being denied that opportunity while American students take it for granted and waste it. I wish I could find a way to address that injustice, to provide those motivated hard-working foreign students with a solid education, don’t you Ms. Gray.

LEILA
(still scared out of her mind)
Y...y...y.....yes I do , Mr. Phillips.

MR. PHILLIPS
In fact, I very confident that the students in this classroom who have, shall we say, discovered a new dedication to their education, are smart and driven enough to earn merit scholarships from some of the best universities in the world. And I feel certain that the rest of you will be motivated to work harder simply by their example, won’t you class?

No one says a word. MR. PHILLIPS snaps his fingers and the two men in dark suits step inside the doorway, looking ominous.

MR. PHILLIPS
I SAID ‘WON’T WE CLASS’???

THE ENTIRE CLASS
(in unison)
YES MR. PHILLIPS

MR. PHILLIPS waves the two goons off....they Leave

MR. PHILLIPS
Any other questions before we proceed?

CHIP carefully raises his hand

MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
Mr. Clarkson....what is your question?

CHIP
(extremely nervous)
Mr. Phillips....sir....with all due respect....we live in the in a country where kidnapping and torture of citizens is illegal and a complete violation of our the Constitution. The United States was founded on principals that directly refute such police state tactics.

MR. PHILLIPS stares at CHIP, then slowly raises his little bell to eye level. MR PHILLIPS rings his bell again. The students on either side of CHIP slide down out of view, and tasering can be heard. Two new students of obvious foreign descent, wearing clothing and wigs that vaguely resembles that of the students they just replaced, pop up as if nothing had happened.

MR. PHILLIPS
Mr. Clarkson, your test scores have been exemplary, so I will tolerate your outburst. However, students with borderline test scores will be placed in seats around you at all times. Should you feel the need to deliver a civics speech, those students will suffer to the consequences of your actions and your arrogance. Are we clear Mr. Clarkson?

CHIP
Crystal, sir. Thank you sir.

CHIP sits back down gingerly and quietly. LEILA carefully and slowly raises her hand.

MR. PHILLIPS
Another question already Ms. Gray?

MR. PHILLIPS picks up the bell and holds it for LEILA to see, but doesn’t ring it.

LEILA
Sir...ummmm...won’t the parents of the students who have, umm, altered their appearance slightly here today, notice that they look different?

MR. PHILLIPS
You’re teenagers Ms. Gray - your parents never see you anyway.

PRINCIPAL WATERS stands in the doorway and knocks on the frame

MR. PHILLIPS
Ah, Principal Waters, please come on in. We were just discussing the standardized test process for this year.

PRINCIPAL WATERS
That’s exactly what I came by to discuss. As I understand it, you had several students in your classes last year who scored lower than desired on their state-mandated tests, is that correct.

MR. PHILLIPS
Unfortunately it is Principal Waters. However, we were just discussing how everyone in this room has re-dedicated themselves to good study habits and....

The taser noise is heard again, and MR. PHILLIPS collapses to the floor disappearing behind his desk. A middle eastern man, GABRIEL, stands up wearing the same sweater as MR. PHILLIPS

PRINCIPAL WATERS
By the way kids, Mr. Phillips spent the summer in an Israeali kibbutz, where he picked up a slight accent, but earned two PHd’s in 18th century English literature and quantum physics. He also got a quite a tan, but we all agree he bears absolutely no resemblance to any Mossad agent who might be hiding out int the United States, don’t we??

PRINCIPAL WATERS grabs the bell and holds it up threateningly for all to see

THE ENTIRE CLASS
Yes Principal Waters!

PRINCIPAL WATERS
Excellent, children! Have a wonderful school year Mr. Phillips!

GABRIEL
Go Wombats!

Fade out

Government Unveils “Bunny Ear” Air-Quotes Program in Iranian Press Conference

2008-04-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

April 25, 2008

WASHINGTON – A potentially volatile incident in the Persian Gulf Friday showed a silver-lining Friday, when it provided the perfect opportunity for the government to reveal the results of top secret program. Commander Lydia Robertson, spokeswomen for the U.S. Navy’s Fifth Fleet demonstrated the program in a press conference:

Robertson began speaking with her hands flat on the podium.

“A cargo ship” said Robertson, who then raised both hands palms approximately level with her forehead, forefinger and middle finger extended on both hands, before making the bunny-ears \ air quotes bouncing finger gesture…

…“contracted”…

At this point Robertson lowered her hands and continued speaking.

…”by the US Government, fired several” (bunny-ears gesture) ”warning shots” (ears down) ”when the vessel was approach by two small” (ears) ”unidentified” (ears down)”watercraft.”

At this moment every attending member of the press corps in broke into wild applause.

“Stunning, absolutely stunning” said Eli Watson, covering the conference for the New York Times. “They’ve discovered a way to be both recklessly aggressive and diplomatic at the same time The Bush administration has never been known for their command of the spoken language, but I’ve got to hand it to them….this is impressive”.

Research into bunny-ear technology began during World War II in Los Alamos, New Mexico alongside atomic bomb research. Bunny-ear technology was shelved before it could be weaponized when atomic research yielded success ,, The technology languished until 4 years ago when the original research was re-discovered. “We stumbled on it when President Bush commissioned us to develop killer rabbits for mid-east combat” says Ronald Westmore, head of Raytheon’s Military Research Division. “We’ve been refining the technology ever since.”
A spokesman for the Iranian navy said his government would like to be upset for being falsely accused of aggressive naval activity, but that Tehran couldn’t be sure it was being accused due to the ambiguity of the bunny-ear air-quotes. “We think they’re accusing us of trying to start a firefight” said the Iranian spokesman, “but it could be an attempt at sarcasm or humor – we’re still trying to figure it out”.

“Iran has been reduced to a position where they cannot respond in any meaningful way” says Westmore. “This is better than a first strike weapon. It’s a last-strike weapon”.

“The President is very happy with the results from the bunny-ear program, especially the stealth aspects of it” said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, “and he thinks that the Iranians are (ears) being completely truthful about the gulf incident (ears down)”.

Perino added “the President is very happy this technology can be unveiled on the same day his (ears) stimulus package rebates (ears down) start getting mailed to people. He believes (ears) it’ll REALLY help.”

Perino exited the room with her bunny-ears still up.

Democrats Fuse Obama and Clinton into Single Person to Counter Potential Rice Vice Presidency Bid

2008-04-14T10:13:00.001-07:00

April 8, 2008 – WASHINGTON
The Democratic Party has taken swift and dramatic action after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice refused to reject a possible spot as Republican front-runner John McCain’s running mate – they have fused their leading presidential candidates into a single being.

“We didn’t see the Condie thing coming” says Roger Smaltz, senior Democratic strategist. “Republicans would never field an African American or female presidential candidate, so we threw our weight behind Senators Obama and Clinton. But Rice as a vice presidential candidate blindsided us. A black-woman in the white house - even one in a non-functional role - is the last thing we expected from the GOP.”

Senators Obama and Clinton were advised of the situation Monday evening, and immediately agreed to the fusing procedure, which was performed early Tuesday morning at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland. Both candidates made brief statements before the process saying how much easier this process would be if the Bush administration had not placed bans on stem-cell research.

“The procedure went very smoothly” said Dr. Leonard Matthis, Chief of Fuseological Medicine at Bethesda. “There were many attachment points that fit together nicely. There was some rejection in places, but it was mostly superficial.”

Hours after the procedure, the newly-fused uber-candidate exited from the hospital, wept briefly then made a brief statement about improving health care and strongly condemning the Iraq war.

“We did not vote for this war” stated the fused candidate, “because we did not exist at that time – we were separate, but now we are one”.

“It’s exciting” said Smaltz, “for the first time in memory that the Democratic Party has a unified message and no in-fighting.”

Many Americans have been pleasantly surprised that the leading democratic candidates were a woman and an African American. “We feel it will really pay off in the debates between the party nominees” says Smaltz. “If a Republican candidate, inevitably a white male, calls a woman or African American opponent stupid, the Republican candidate looks sexist or racist. Our previous strategy, where we debated someone widely regarded as a complete imbecile and let them hang themselves with their own words – proved less successful during the last 2 elections than we’d hoped.”

There was some concern that the new fused candidate would be considered less than a year old and therefore unelectable under the US constitution. However, the Supreme Court determined that the combined age of the fused candidates was well over 100 years, which easily exceeded the minimum age of 35 required by the constitution while remaining younger than John McCain.

“We’re still determining what to call this new super-candidate” says Smaltz. “We’re leaning towards ‘Hilbama Oblinton’ - the lilt in the last name is polling well with Irish Americans.”

The Democratic Party next plans to find potential running mates to further shore up their position. They are seeking Hispanic-Native American-Irish-Asian-Italian-Caucasian hermaphrodites from Ohio or Pennsylvania with abiguous sexual preferences, moderately liberal stances on health care and strong non-binding rhetoric about economic recovery packages. “There are several congressional members that fit that definition” says Smaltz, “the problem is finding one who hasn’t hired a call girl in the last six months.”

In response to the fusing, John McCain is expected to grow older.

Massachusetts Governor Feels Bad State is Left Out of Scandals – Vows to Take Action

2008-03-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

March 11, 2008

BOSTON – In 1995 the state of Connecticut was rocked when it was revealed then-Governor John Rowland had accepted free home improvements from state contractors. In 2004, the state of New Jersey was rocked when then-Governor Jim McGreevey revealed he was gay and having an affair with a male aid. Now New York state is being rocked by the news that Governor Eliot Spitzer paid handsomely for the services of high-priced prostitutes. Three Northeastern states, three democratic governors, three headline-grabbing scandals. Americans shake their heads and ask one burning question:

What the fuck is your problem, Massachusetts?

“It’s embarrassing” says current Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, “American history is littered with scandals from Massachusetts, many involving sex. Somewhere along the way we’ve lost our edge.”

Even a 2004 measure making Massachusetts the first state in the union to allow same sex marriages has paled in comparison to other scandals. “Gays can get married…big whoop” says “Big” Walter Latham of Marlborough MA, “…the Governor of Jersey was bangin’ some guy who was workin’ for him while he was married to some hot lookin’ chick. Now that’s the way you cause controversy! I bet that Jersey Gov was even wearing buttless chaps to staff meetings just to make SURE he got noticed – there’s a guy who knows how to get headlines!”

“After a slew of scandal-free democratic governors, we elected a republican governor who was also a Mormon” says 74 year old Rose Turtlebaum of Waltham, MA, referring to former governor and former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, “…with so much conservative pressure you’d think that guy was bound to blow a gasket. But that do-gooding jackass didn’t sleep around and only had one wife. What a waste of a perfectly good Mormon!”

Famous patriots such as Samuel Adams, John Hancock, Paul Revere and Benjamin Franklin have all been noted for their controversial sides. In the 20th century the Kennedy’s have provided a plethora of controversy for Massachusetts and kept the state a pubic-hair away from titillating headlines for over 50 years.

“We’re just so fucking boring nowadays” mourns Simon Balder of Concord, “ our last controversy was when the New England Patriots spied on another football team…. on the field, not even, like, with web-cams in their locker-room showers or nothin’!”

“In the colonial days people dressed up like Indians and threw shit off boats” says Neil Scheff of Sudbury, MA, “...but try that now and people just think you’re just a good history student. Maybe the Governor should dress up like an Indian and throw a hooker off a boat – call it the Boston Tit-Party.”

“I promise the good people of Massachusetts that we are doing everything in our power to create a headline grabbing scandal within the next 4 years” says Governor Patrick. “We will be able to embarrass this administration or die trying!”

The Governor’s office has set-up scandal think-tanks in cooperation with Harvard University and Boston College, and provided substantial financial incentives to fraternities in those respective schools for their assistance. Plans for a multimedia scandal research lab at MIT were abandoned when MIT students asked the governor’s office to define sex.